Friday, April 25, 2014

Well, since I couldn't sleep, I'll blog.

I did sleep, fairly soundly for 2 or 3 hours. Then came the fast moving cycle of awake, asleep, awake, asleep... etc, etc, etc. Then, in between the awake parts, was this strange dream...  I can still see it as a movie, but can't properly recall it in writing. It looked a lot like the old Mad Max movies, weird surroundings, costumes, strange vehicles, battles...   It was about a group of people trying to get somewhere. I don't even know what our destination was, but we were traveling. I remember feeling very afraid in most of it, just trying to stay alive and get to our end point. I don't know if we ever did; I woke up.
Yes, easily psycho-analyzed, I know.
Funny that my brain made it into something like Beyond Thunderdome...

I am still frustrated that my hours are being cut at my "other job". First Wednesdays, and soon to be some Fridays. Wednesdays I won't miss. It's the last day of the week that I have Dawson, and I'd much rather spend that precious time with him. And one day doesn't hurt the purse too badly. But Fridays too?? Perhaps as often as every other??? Now, it's no big secret that I have been less than thrilled with this job, but it's a job, and I need that. And I work hard (and honestly) when I'm there. And still, I am the outcast. I don't fit in. I'm not part of the pack. 

Off topic... I had an "I miss my dad" moment last night. Completely random. Well, not completely... Troy and I were watching a DVR'd episode of "Fargo" (delightfully weird show, by the way!)... They started talking about gum, Hubba Bubba, to be exact... And I nearly choked on my dinner. That was always how Dad greeted Dawson.. "Hi Dzadzu!", Dawson would say... "Hubba Bubba!", Dad would reply...
It's those little things that come out of the blue and get you, right in the gut. I miss my dad. A lot.

The move to Troy's apartment has been painfully slow. I'm still in Glenburn, for now. But we hope to make the move this coming week. Most of our things are packed, and we've lugged a lot of it down into the garage. Still, nothing has made it's way into the portables! Waiting for extra helping hands to get the big stuff into them first (hutch, entertainment center, dressers, etc). The entertainment center itself weighs about 400 pounds. Yuk... I still may need to rent one more portable. Still looking for bodies this weekend to help us lug stuff. Troy looks big and strong, I know. And as much as he'd love to think he can move it all single-handedly, he's not supposed to be doing any of it. Between his back and his heart, he simply can't. So, we need help. 

Speaking of moving... I hate to even mention it (for fear of cursing ourselves), but it appears that we have a house all nailed down. We've been working on it for a month or so now. Oddly, it was a man who responded to my "housing wanted" ad on Craigslist, rather than something that was advertised. His family lives in Vermont, but he owns a home in Veazie. Him and I have been talking via email and phone, and his current tenants finally were able to show us the house this week. We loved it, and we love the neighborhood. We spoke again with him on the phone and nailed down some details. He seems like a very reasonable landlord, and a very nice man. We have sent him our references, and he is preparing a three year lease (we wanted long-term). It's a very large, beautiful colonial in a wonderful cul-de-sac neighborhood. The house isn't ready until July 1st. So, the waiting begins.

I am not happy about having to move twice, sending my dogs to my mother's temporarily, storing all my stuff, living in an apartment for two months.... But I just keep reminding myself- the end is worth the means. A temporary inconvenience, all for the greater good.

And I'm trying (albeit perhaps unsuccessfully) to be one of those people who counts my blessings every morning I wake up...
I woke up today (even though I hardly slept). I have two jobs (for now). I'm not homeless (yet). My daughter's not pregnant (that I know of)...
I jest, of course.
I woke up, I'm breathing, I'm alive! My kids are healthy and well cared for, and happy (most of the time!). I have one job and work family that I love. I have a wonderful husband. I have a great family, nuclear and extended. I have at least two very, very close friends, and a handful of extended friendships. I have a beautiful home and neighborhood to look forward to...

Ba humbug.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Wow, I haven't written in a while.
Well, I guess that's not entirely true... I had written, twice, I think, and then deleted the posts. Too much, too soon. But fear not, readers, it will be re-written again, all in due time.
But for now, just a quick update for all you voyeurs out there, and a little venting session for myself.

As you all well know, I am still on the mad hunt for appropriate housing for my family.
We had an opportunity recently to enter into a lease agreement on a rent-to-own property. Although the home was nice (albeit a bit small), I just couldn't go into it with a commitment to purchase in two years. Firstly, we probably wouldn't credit-qualify for financing by then, and secondly, the home had an outrageous price-tag. And so, we'd just end up moving again in two years. And as much as it would have solved our immediate housing issue, it just wasn't the right decision for us.
And so, since I have now overstayed my welcome in this house, Dawson and I will temporarily move into Troy's apartment while we continue to look for a home for all of us (We think we have one lined up, but it will not be ready until July 1st).
Although this sounds like a relatively easy solution to our problems, it is by far not so easy...
I am trying to figure out how to move all of my belongings into storage. Or, rent portable storage units to leave here temporarily, IF I obtain permission from the property owner. Either way, I will incur expenses from the storage, and potentially renting a uhaul if I don't use portables.
And then- what fun!- I'll get to pay for a uhaul all over again when it's time to move all the crap to the new house, if I don't use the portables.
The portables come with convenience, but also concern... safety of our items, cost...
So... rent a uhaul and move it all to storage, and then rent a uhal again to move it all out? Or portables? Argh!!!!
Many of you have offered to help, but realistically, we know how difficult it is to gather a group of people and trucks, all at the same time (with everyone's busy lives), and get it all done. It just seems far too overwhelming.
This also means I will have to begin driving Dawson to and from school in Glenburn every day. But then again, I was prepared to do that once we moved out of Glenburn, so it will be good practice for the next couple years.
Not to mention, the dogs cannot come with us to the apartment. Mom has graciously offered to take them into her home for the next few months. Although, she is gone to Portland every other weekend, and so I will have to figure out what to do for the dogs on those weekends. I am hoping Logan will agree to stay at her house every other weekend. I'm sure some cold hard cash will persuade her. I'm also hoping that the boys don't get too confused or stressed out with their temporary living arrangements. Mom's trailer is tight enough with her and her two dogs, and all her stuff, as it is. It's not ideal, but it's our only option.
And moving TWICE. Ugh. Enough said about that.
And hopefully it won't be SO disruptive for all of us (me, Troy, and the kids as well) that we all stress out and kill each other.

~Brief off-topic, speaking of the dogs... Herc's orthopedic issues have gotten progressively worse this winter. He is having a harder and harder time getting around, and yet he is still so happy and goofy... It is SO MADDENING to know that his mind and spirit are still so young, and yet his body is failing him. I am afraid I will have to put him down before another winter comes. I hate this. I am crying just writing it. He has been the one constant man in my life for the last several years; my one consistent source of love and comfort.

These added moving/storage expenses weren't such a panic button until recently... when I discovered that my hours were getting cut at my day job. I have lost one day shift for now (Wednesdays), and will evidently be losing another one (Fridays), perhaps as often as bi-weekly, starting sometime next month. The new owners have decided they want to work those days, so that they have more of a presence there. I understand that. However, there are many shifts to choose from. It stinks that they chose mine. I've suspected that I am "on my way out" there for a while now, since I am the low/new man on the totem pole. But I had hoped that wasn't the case. I feel that I am slowly getting pushed/phased out, as apposed to having to directly fire me.
This couldn't have happened at a more inopportune time for us. Regardless of how I felt about the job, I was fully willing to push forward and make the most of it, since we truly need that income now. Financially, it makes sense for me to look for another job. I guess I will have to.

Besides all the current stressors in life, other things are going pretty okay...
Dawson is doing well, given all the upheaval for us right now. It still amazes me how resilient children are. Of course it gets to him sometimes too, but he has better coping skills than I give him credit for, and probably far better coping skills than I do. He has genuinely missed Troy, and it is obvious how relieved he is that we are a family again. He is looking forward to once again living with his sister. He tells Troy he loves him, unprovoked, every day. It reaffirms my decisions.
Logan is doing well, from what I gather. She is excelling in college, and I am so proud of her. She's back to work now as well, so I will probably see her even less than I already do. I don't know when she grew up and flew the nest. Why does that have to happen?
And Troy and I, well, we probably couldn't be doing any better. I don't know what "clicked" for us this time around, but something did. Perhaps those many months apart were just what we needed... To work on ourselves individually, to recognize the absence of one another, to see the changes we needed to make for ourselves and for each other... Instead of trying to psycho-analyze it (which I always do), I'm just going to try and simply be thankful for it.
Hell, we are both under a TON of stress right now, and we haven't killed each other. That's gotta count for something.  :)

Well, I suppose I've wasted enough of the day. Time to get back to work around here.