Perhaps when the bills start filling the mailbox, it will feel real.
I sit here and write this before work, looking out my windows...
Ahhh..
The lake.
If it were right outside my door it would be that much better. But I'll settle for this view.
Speaking of settle...
I feel like I've been doing a lot of that lately. Personally, professionally. In probably every single aspect of my life.
Perhaps it's just that feeling of lack of total fulfillment. Is that even an attainable thing? I doubt it. I would "settle" for even partial fulfillment.
I thought this house, this having my own home thing, would bring it to me. And I suppose it has, in part. But it comes along with such stress (bills, potential poverty, loneliness) that I wonder if the scales will ever be tipped to the favorable side.
I make too much money for any help, yet I make too little money to truly help myself (potentially a new car, more groceries, snow tires, christmas presents, etc etc etc)...
And I work, damnit. A lot. I have a "part time" job that's essentially full time. I'm at the bar every single day. Or shopping for the bar. Or running errands for the bar. Or banking. Or inventory. Or ordering. Or working from home. Or, or, or... I'm more consumed now that I've taken over the kitchen as well. I do get paid for my time. And a lot of my time I give to the bar as well; and I don't mind that. I am becoming more and more emotionally invested in it. I want it to succeed, to make money, to grow. I want what's best for it. And I believe we are on our way.
But damn, if I could just take a moment to not think or talk about work, just one minute. Lol...
Family photo sessions, family vacations, romantic getaways, elaborate (or simple) gifts, financial help, never sleeping alone... Are all things I miss in life. Who knew you could become so accustomed to a particular lifestyle. And I'm not just talking about monetarily. My current relationship is still very different than what I am used to. In so many ways (so, so many ways). That's not to say I am dissatisfied, don't get me wrong. It is just.. different.
But then again, my entire life is different now. Quite different.
My, my. How much it has changed.
Wow. I am such a complainer.
There are things to not complain about, I suppose.
My boy made the A team in basketball this year. I am so glad he gets to enjoy this season with all of his close friends during his last year here. And I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. He truly is the biggest (and sometimes only) bright light in my life.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm probably sucking the life out of him. Norman Bates's mother.
I have a job, a cute home (that I can hopefully afford to heat this winter), some close family members, a couple close friends, and my health. Well, so far, anyway. I'm not dead yet.
Shit. I've got to get ready for work.
