Friday, August 30, 2013

Well, it's been five days since my husband told me he was leaving, and two days since he's been gone.
And I'm not dead yet. Imagine that.
But I do still need reminding. Hence this blog.

I spent all week in a fog, trying to keep it together for Dawson. Unfortunately, it only worked about half the time. That poor kid is so torn up over this. I wish I could make him feel better. Half the time he's so depressed, and the other half he spends trying to make me feel better.
When he left for his Dad's on Wednesday, he said to me- "Try to convince Troy not to leave, Mom.... Make him stay"... It broke my heart to hear that, and it hurt like hell to tell him I couldn't do that.
He called me Wednesday night and again last night. Some of the talk was about how sad and upset and angry he is. Some of the talk was him trying to reassure me that we would be okay, that we still have each other. He is just a boy, but trying to be the little man of the house. He shouldn't feel responsible for that.
I wish I could take all of this away for him.
I continue to tell him that we will be okay, that I will take care of us, that our love as a family will get us through this.
All the while, not sure if I'm believing it myself.

And let's back up a little bit...
Troy has left me to explain all of this to my children. He has been a coward, and hidden from them as much as possible all week. He has not spoken to them unless absolutely necessary.
He has said nothing to Logan all week. And when he left on Wednesday, he brushed by Dawson with only a casual and muttered goodbye.
And that will be one of the things I hold onto. One of the many things that help me get through this.

And he has left us destitute. That will be another point I will remind myself of.
He left just before rent is due (conveniently). Utility bills are overdue. Oil tanks are on empty.
He claims poverty, that his car cost him hundreds of dollars to fix, that he gave me most of his money to go towards my truck, that he has to save for security and first months rent on a new house, that his account is overdrawn...
But he was able to fix his car. And he continues to be able to play poker and go to the casino. And offer money to his friends. So forgive me if I am a bit confused.
He said he would help if he can...
Yet he uses the truck money against me. And he uses the "I paid for everything" against me.
I won't be sucked into that. And I hope to hell everyone who listens to him gloat about how generous he was doesn't fall for that either. We were a team, a family, no matter who the "breadwinner" was. It doesn't make you a better person because you made the most money. And it certainly doesn't make you a better person if you go around using it as your claim to being a great husband.

And about that truck... my dream truck...
I'm selling it today. The paperwork will be transferred to the new owner this afternoon. I'll walk away with enough money to buy a cheaper vehicle and pay all the bills he left us with. With any luck, I'll have a little left to get some oil and stash away some for Christmas. Dawson's birthday is coming right up too. And of course, the bills don't stop coming in, and rent is due every month.... and I may not be able to afford this house on my own anyway... regardless of how much I work... once I finally do find a second job...
And this I will also hold onto.

And then there's Dad.
My husband came back (from leaving us the last time) just before my dad got really sick. Two months later, Dad was gone. It's now been two months since he passed, and my husband has had one foot out the door the whole time. Two months after Dad is gone, and he finally leaves, again. And sure, it might be mere coincidence. But it's still awfully friggin hard to swallow.
Because let's face it, it does have something to do with our marriage.
It's been a little difficult for me to be a loving, happy-go-lucky, rainbows and butterflies kind of person this summer. My Dad died, for christ sake. So pardon me if I haven't been the lovey-dovey, perfect, wonder-woman wife that you expected.
And that's the other thing about this (and all the other times)...
Whenever things aren't exactly perfect, he quits. Just quits. Claims he's so unhappy that he doesn't know what else to do but leave. He loves me, but he's unhappy, and leaves.
I don't understand those who have no staying power. No real commitment to their family, their marriage, and love. That, I'll NEVER understand. Because I have it. I have what it takes to stay, to try, to never give up, to love and honor my commitment to my family and my marriage. I don't understand quitters.
I'll remember that as well.

And finally, lets talk about the one important thing that I have to hold onto through this...
How many times has he done this to us??
He threatened to leave last summer, just before we were married. We spent a weekend apart, until I finally was able to "convince" him to stay.
We married in September.
By Christmas and New Years, he was talking about leaving again. He stayed away a few days here and there. Somehow, we made it through the holidays, and he stayed.
In March, he left again. He was gone for a month. Until I once again convinced him to come home.
This summer, it has been up and down. He's unhappy, wishy-washy.
And now he's gone.
I told him that if he left again, that this would be the very last time; there was no coming back.
He simply said- "I know".
I'll do my best to forget the rest, and hold onto this.

Goodbye My Lover

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Is there a light
Is there a light
At the end of the road
I'm pushing everyone away
Cause I can't feel this anymore
I can't feel this anymore

Have you ever been so lost
Known the way and still so lost
Have you ever been so lost

Sunday, August 25, 2013

"Life is a lesson. Happiness is not given: it is worked for, it is fought for, struggled for, it is EARNED. Happiness to me is love, family, parenthood, devotion, marriage, affection,........ Happiness is what I have with Crista. In the past I've been blinded with frustration and anger about things that should never get in the way of the things that matter in life, petty things. I let my anger, frustration, and my own shortcomings almost ruin a relationship that provided all the things that make me happy in life. I was blinded by pettiness and made horrible decisions that effected our whole family. I love Crista, madly. She makes me insanely happy. I adore our children. Our life together is excellent. Nothing is perfect- Especially, me. But, our life together makes me happy. I am so fortunate to have another chance at the life I want to live. Thank you, babe. I love you. Sun and Moon. I will work harder than ever before to never disappoint you or our kids again. You are my happiness and my future."
Those were words written by my husband the last time he left, four short months ago. They are probably very similar to the words he wrote the time before that as well. Or maybe similar to the words he wrote the time even before that when he said he wanted to leave. Or the time before, or the time before, or the time ...
You get the point.

These last couple weeks I've watched as we spiraled towards this inevitable point once again. Hell, I guess it's probably been the last couple months. God knows we've had a shit storm of stuff happening in life this summer.
But, even with the so-called shit storm, I thought we were stronger than before. I let my guard down. I didn't expect him to jump back into the whole- I'm not happy, things aren't good between us, things have changed, things aren't changing enough, wishy-washy, one foot in-one foot out, bullshit again. I didn't see it coming.
But then again, I never did the times before either.

But maybe that's not quite accurate... I think I've known somewhere deep down that he's been teetering on this precipice for a couple months now. Maybe he just wanted to wait, so it wouldn't seem so heartless leaving me right after Dad died. What a stand-up guy.

This time he didn't so much say he wanted to leave, just inferred it. Talking about how bad things are between us, how unhappy "we" are (how unhappy he is, more accurately), how things are no different, or how things have changed... And this is our history. Things are never good enough for him. If there aren't rainbows and butterflies all the time, then watch out, he's off and running. Quitter.

So I told him that I am NOT going through this again. Living scared, always fearing that my husband will one day "not be happy", and leave us, again. He's either all in, or all out. I cannot live like this anymore. No more one foot in, one foot out. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow this again, especially considering how many times I've lived it already with him...  I told him- If you go down this road again, you will never look upon my face or my children's faces again. You will be dead to us, and us to you.
And he replied... "I'll start looking for a place."
To which I responded- "Fine, make it as quick as possible."

And so, he's probably convinced, once again, that I "threw him out", that I ended things. He is good at that you know, manipulating the situation so that it appears that way. Then he gets to play victim to the world.
And the snide remarks about money... They've already begun (like the text he sent me earlier, reminding me that he just gave me money to put towards buying my truck.. and yet, he can't be bothered to pay any bills before he leaves)... He'll toot his horn about what a great guy he was... how he paid all our bills, put money towards household improvements or buying vehicles. He loves to rub that in my face every time this happens... Oh, I pay for this, I gave you money for that, I'm so generous, bla bla bla... Unfortunately, money has no meaning when it comes to love and commitment. Put your money where your mouth is.
All the money in the world couldn't undo what you have done all these times. And what you're doing again.
But go ahead and use it as fodder for your failure, if it helps you sleep at night.
He's not fooling anyone but himself.

I hope to hell I can stay strong through this entire thing.
I'm awful goddamn tired.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

None of this will be very profound. Some of it will probably seem mundane and boring. But I felt like writing.
Well, perhaps not writing, as I'm in fact dictating this as I drive. So please pardon any and all grammatical errors; Proper placement of periods, commas, semicolons are somewhat challenging during dictation. And forget the… See? That was supposed to be spelled out. (Some of my friends will get that). But anyway…
I've had a more than usual restless mind lately. I blame my father for that. Or perhaps it's the moon's gravitational pull, or the position of Jupiter in the solar system, or reducing the dosage on my meds….
Either way, I've felt a little bit crazy lately. Bored, yet unmotivated. Agitated, irritated, restless, bored. Did I say bored already?
I want a new car, a new pet, a second job, a new hobby, a new location… (Troy is just happy that I haven't had the desire for a new husband). And although I may desire all these things, I never do pull the trigger on any of them. That is the wonderful thing about bipolar disorder, folks (Noted sarcasm)- You know better than to make a decision about ANYTHING, because you also know that- within hours, sometimes days, perhaps weeks- You will feel completely different about the idea.
And let me back up a minute… That whole bipolar thing is a label I'm still struggling to accept. Hence the experiment of weaning off my meds (After a half hour of sweet talking my psychiatrist). They agreed to cut my Depakote in half for a few weeks, and see how things go first. FYI, Depakote is one of the "big five "in treating bipolar disorder. It is the fastest acting bipolar drug, and typically used to treat irritability and anger in bipolars with mild-moderate symptoms of hypomania.
I don't know what I was trying to accomplish with the idea. Well, of course I do. I was hoping to prove to myself that I didn't need it. Unfortunately for my bruised ego, it turns out I was more than likely mistaken. These last few weeks I've noticed a definite difference in my disposition. I once again wake up angry most days. I'm dissatisfied with everything and anything. Little things get under my skin, where they fester and grow into giant things. I want to shake things up... create little earthquakes just to feel alive, or different. I don't like feeling "flat" (which is why many bipolars end up going off their meds). The "restless mind syndrome" has once again become nearly intolerable.

And that's where I ended my dictation the other night. Primarily because it was 1am and raining, and I figured I'd better be paying closer attention to the road.

Finances are a mess. Well, I don't think I can even call it "finances". That would imply there is money involved. And we have none. A second job has become a necessity rather than just a cure for boredom. Guess I'd better get lookin'.

The other day (while possibly enthralled in one of my "manic moments"), I decided I wanted a different vehicle. I listed my jeep in Uncle Henry's and Craigslist. Just to see. Wouldn't you know it, someone is coming to buy it tomorrow. Looks like I'll be hoofing it for a while.

The kids are driving me mad. I am anxious for school to start again. I don't even know why. It's like having pests in the house. Little flies buzzing around. I will potentially experience guilt about these feelings later on. In fact, I feel guilty even saying it out loud.
But then again, everything is driving me mad. It's not just the kids (those poor little buggers do get the brunt of it)... My husband, the dogs, the house, my job, my friends, myself... my own damn self.
(Okay, now I do sound crazy)

Aside from all that redundancy, I'm also missing my Dad.
I think about him all the time. Many times in anger. Knowing that he did this to himself (and to us), that it could have been prevented, that it was a wasted life.
Sometimes I think of him in guilt. What could I have done to convince him to stop drinking, or drink less? Or go to the doctor sooner? Sigh. I know the answer is- nothing. So, back to being angry with him.
And the other times it's like "playing pretend". He's not really gone. He's right next door, in his chair.
But most times I'm just sad. I wish I could "wish" him back, or turn the clock back. I miss him so much.
And I'm lonely. Because perhaps, the one and only person I could relate to, and who understood me, is gone.

I see this life
Like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
In my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and ye shall find
Old, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
And I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're told
I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive