Sunday, October 25, 2015

Well, I haven't really written anything of substance for a few weeks.
Have I not had fodder? Yes, I have. There's always something to write about. It's like a revolving door of mini earthquakes. Seriously, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't look at my life and say to myself- "You can't make this shit up"...
Maybe I just haven't had time. Between work, and traveling, and my son, and this, and that... I feel like I'm always on the go.

And I'm on the go again, this time across town, in a permanent fashion. Today is moving day.
After only 7 months (but what felt like an eternity), I'm finally moving out of mother's. And for once in the last several years in my life, it's not with a significant other. And dear jeezus, doesn't that scare the shit out of me. Is that perhaps a testament to how codependent I am? Probably. But hopefully this move can help me change that. Hopefully I can find some kind of peace and liberation in this. Hopefully, it doesn't just end up feeling lonely.
It won't be lonely all the time. My boy will be with me half the week, when he's not at his father's. And I do have a sweet boyfriend who visits often (that in itself is an entire blog of it's own, written some other day), and I'll have a fish... Sigh. No pets in the new house, that's the one drawback. Can you imagine? Me, living without cats and dogs?? If anything, that will be the loneliest part. But, I sacrificed my love of dogs and cats for the love of my dream... Remember, how I have written of it in the past?

This is the view standing on the front lawn of my new home. I can see the lake from every window on three sides of the house, and it's a beautiful panoramic from outside my doors. We have lake access and unlimited use of the landlord's dock below us on the water. 
Just when I had decided to hunker down with mom for the winter. Even as much as I despised living with my mother, I knew it was the wisest financial decision. And suddenly, quite out of nowhere, came this little, affordable cottage by the lake for rent. I wracked my brain for about two weeks trying to decide what to do. And although staying with mom, at least for the winter, made the most sense financially, I knew I would absolutely KICK myself (forever) if I didn't take this house. 
I'm scared as hell. Winter is upon us. Heat and electricity... I can do this. I'll work more (I'm already working more). I'll budget (I'm trying). Christmas will unfortunately not be what the boy has been accustomed to (that's my fault, for spoiling every year). Sigh.
We won't have to leave our hometown, that in itself is worth a fortune. This little town doesn't have a rental market. So to find one like this, in my price range, was a near miracle in itself. And did I mention, it's ON THE WATER!!! Seriously.. my dream? How did this happen? I don't have this kind of luck.
It's far from luxurious. It's tiny and outdated. And it's perfect for us. ...I'm finally going to be able to wake up and look at the water every day. Just like I've always wanted. I truly never thought that would happen.

Ok, ok, enough about that...

Sadly, there is other news to talk about. My work family lost one of their own this week in a tragic car accident. To me he was a more than a customer.. He was a guy who always made me laugh (and sometimes made me grit my teeth in frustration). But I also considered him a friend. If I needed something, I knew all I had to do was ask him, and that goes for so many of the people I have met here at The Brook. He actually came out to mom's and did some of the work here when I was moving in. He was a good man. I don't claim to have known him well, but that I knew.. He was a good man.
And to the others in our circle, he was much, much more than that. He was a brother. And I can only imagine the grief they are suffering and the absence they feel now in their lives.
It has been a very emotional week at work for everyone. The day after the accident especially. I watched many of his closest friends (including my bosses) come in and out throughout the day. Tears and laughter and stories were shared all day long. Mostly tears. I spent ten hours at work that day. And when I got home, I finally cried. I cried for him, for me, and for all of the people I love who loved him.

Speaking of work...
There are so many changes going on, it feels like a whirlwind. Well, maybe there aren't so many changes. Maybe only a few...
My cook (and friend) has given her notice to move on to a new business adventure. I am sad to see her go, personally and professionally. But I am happy that she also now gets to chase her dream.
I have (fortunately) already secured a new cook. A chef, actually. And he has years of food management experience as well. Does any of this sound familiar yet? ;) I have a feeling some of you might know him... ;)  And although I only have him part time, I am super excited about what he can bring to The Brook kitchen. Don't worry, we won't go all fancy dining cuisine at The Brook, but I can guarantee you'll be seeing some new delicious dishes... God, this is going to be epic.
We lost one of our bartenders this month as well. She's joining her other half in sunny Florida. And who can blame her! I'll miss her as well, both professionally and personally. She was always my go-to-girl. The one I could call at the drop of a hat, and I knew I could count on her. And what a sweetie, too. She will be greatly missed. But damnit, when she visits home, she'll be guest bartending for sure!
And, we've also hired our first male bartender in years! We brought him on starting out at only one night a week. Thursday nights will now be ladies night again! I have a feeling we got really lucky with this one, too. He's very experienced, super personable and charming, and easy on the eyes too! I know a lot of the men are questioning this decision, but when they see a bar full of ladies on Thursday nights, maybe then they'll agree that this wasn't a bad idea after all.  :)
I've moved girls around to fill other shifts too. We have a new Wednesday night pool tournament girl, and I moved one of my veteran girls to Tuesday nights, and we'll be doing a Twisted Tuesday theme.
See? Seems like a whirlwind of changes at work. But, I think.. they're all going to be good changes. I think this is going to work out just fine.  :)

Oh crap. Is it already 8 o'clock?? Shit! I have to finish packing!

Saturday, October 3, 2015

My ex-husband once told me- I know that you only write during the bad times. And he was partially correct. Things aren't "that bad" right now. I have my health, a job, a roof over my head, a caring person in my life, my kids are well.. And the list of things I should be thankful for goes on... 
I'm probably not as depressed as I may sound in this blog. It's probably just a glimpse into the brain of a "normal" looking person. A look at the thoughts behind the smile at work or among friends, a look behind the pretty pictures on Facebook. Or just a little bit of free therapy. 
At least that's what I tell myself.

"Rude" is playing on the radio during my morning commute. It's a silly song about a boy asking a man if he can marry his daughter.
And for some reason, it strikes me. It's probably my mood. In all three of my (failed) marriages, only one man has ever asked my father if he could marry me. And now my father is gone. Pretty much along with any hope of another marriage. It's not that I wouldn't try it again (evidently I'm a glutton for punishment), but after three, I should probably hang my hat. I haven't been good at it yet. Besides, who would walk me down the aisle?

This past year has been a long trail of difficult decisions. And I'm so tired of making up my mind.
And yet here I am, faced with another one. If I were a spiritual person, I would pray for the wisdom to make the right decision. Perhaps those of you who are "of the faith" can pray for me, in the absence of mine. 
I hypothesize. I analyze, and overanalyze, and do it all over again (and again and again). If I could get rid of the residual bullshit that still takes up space in my mind, it might be easier. And I hope. But I'm running low on that lately as well.
I still curse the universe for being so cruelly ironic.

My stomach has been a mess for weeks. I only eat half the week, when I have to feed my son. I drink too much coffee, far too much. And I smoke way too many cigarettes. I've thought about going back to my therapist. I've thought about going back to my doctor. But that just leads to a prescription. And I've already tried several of those.

On the upside, I've hardly drank in weeks; months, actually. And by all means, I should be a drunk. But I only have one or two, here or there. And I still haven't resorted to joining the ranks of those who choose "other" vices, no matter how available they are. And I never will. That's not to say that I'm a prude. It doesn't mean that I judge. It doesn't mean that I haven't gone down those roads; I have. 
I just chose not to live there.

It's Saturday, and that means it's my Friday. Aside from my sour mood, I actually look forward to going into work. It is stressful managing a bar, but it is rewarding as well. And not necessarily monetarily; I certainly don't make "the big bucks". And I get the feeling my employees don't really consider me "the boss", more of a coworker, really. But I know that what I do is appreciated, by my boss(es). I know what I do, and I know that it matters. 

I'm looking forward to date night with my son tonight. I am taking him to a street dance to see one of my favorite local bands. I hope he enjoys them as much as I do. I think he will. 

I miss having a dog. I had Phineus (my last Dane, who now lives with my daughter) for a few days. It was nice. Mom didn't seem to think so. I want my own dog. But living with my mother is much like living with a spouse- Spousal refusal at every turn. Grrrrrrrrrr. 
Living with my mother is... Well, like any 42 year old grown person living with their mother. Tolerable, barely, yet far far far from ideal. I need my own space. Desperately. I am trying to make the proper moves towards that. And the proper decisions. 

It's time to go to work.