Sunday, April 30, 2017

Just some random crap that I needed to get out by "putting on paper"... I mean, it is Sunday coffee and blogging time, right? Even if it is coffee at 8pm.

You don't truly appreciate everything you have, until the ability to provide it for yourself it is at risk.

And, regarding the aforementioned statement; fear is truly crippling.

But even in general, fear is SO powerful. Fear of death, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, of heartbreak, poverty, illness, war... Airplanes, heights, boats, electricity... Jeezus, I could go on all night.

No matter what their age, 15 or 45, boys will always have the innate ability to break your heart.

Living alone is not empowering or liberating. It's just lonely.

Some people are truly interested in you. In your day, your feelings, your life. Some people are just curious. Or bored.
Know the difference.

I miss my son. So f&%king much.

Facebook is the new free dating site. Better, even (or worse), than Plenty of Fish. Just post your "single" relationship status publicly and highlight your best selfies. Voila. Keepin' it classy. Best of luck to you.

The passage of time truly does help you to forget about someone. My (lack of a) relationship with my sister is evidence of this. As close as we once were, I hardly remember it now. That should be sad.

Sometimes I think that the secret to sanity is forgetting. Being unaware. That's why so many people drink, or do drugs. I could only be lucky enough to become an Alzheimer patient. Forgetting, being oblivious, not caring, just might be the only way to stay sane. Being aware is a curse.

But I haven't forgotten my father.
The longer I'm alive, the more I experience in this life, the more I understand why he self-medicated with alcohol. I may be devastated and angry as hell that he let it kill him, but jeezus, I get it. I always said we had similar minds. And no wonder he drank as he did. I often wish I were an addict, just to be able to get out of my own head, even temporarily.

I complain about having to be nice to people all day at my job. The truth is, I enjoy what I do. And I enjoy (most of) my customers. However, there are a few I could live without. Even punch in the face, if I could. The non-tippers. The lousy tippers. The customers who think (and sometimes even say), "oh, you just tend bar, you don't really work". The customers who look down on you for what you do, who think that their 9-5 professional job is so much more important. The ones who treat you as just a servant, and act as if your only purpose is to attend to them.
Again, I could go on all night.

My customers/friends are funny. The other night after work, one of them was joking around with me... Saying that I was going to go home, eat my bugles, and be sad. She said she often worries- will this be the day that Crista walks into the lake and doesn't come back out? As off color as it was, it was funny, we all laughed, I laughed.
And then I cried all the way home. And most of the night. As funny as it was, she was right. Although, I skipped the bugles and opted for ice cream.

Seriously, though. I'm truly tired of being this damn sad all the damn time. It's exhausting. Pretending not to be is exhausting, too. Everything is exhausting. Maybe it's time to consider meds again. Jeezus, I hate that idea. Maybe I should just start smoking weed with the rest of the population. It is legal now. Maybe I should see what all the fuss is about.

Let's talk about Netflix.

I'm currently addicted to a show called "Sense8". It's really good. You should check it out. It's sci-fi, but realistic. It's intense. Lots of character development. Very cool story line. Original. And the sex scenes are pretty good, too.

Anyway... I've got to get back to my show now. It's very important, you know. Important stuff, watching Netflix. Wicked meaningful.
And besides, the cat needs me. Not really, but I like to pretend she does.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

It's been almost two months since I've written.
A lot has happened.. is happening. A lot I can't write about. Some I shouldn't write about.
I guess that's why I haven't.

The ice has finally left the lake; it doesn't look like a frozen tundra here anymore. I love seeing the open water. I am hoping that it will bring me peace in the coming months.

My life is about to be turned upside down. I have some time to prepare, but not much.
And these are one of the things I can't talk about. Not yet. And that's eating me alive, of course. But not nearly as much as the situation itself. I have spent many a night crying myself to sleep over it. Almost every night, actually.
I keep telling myself I've been through tougher things, I'll persevere, it'll all be alright...  But all the reassuring self-talk hasn't helped much.

As most of you know, I somehow got myself roped into providing a (temporary) home for a dog who was on his way to the humane society. He's sweet. Cute. Fun. But he also reminds me why my life is not conducive to having a dog in it. It has become more of a stressor than anything, and I need to get him placed. And my cat is absolutely miserable.

My personal life feels like a mess, as usual. Well, not externally, I guess. It probably looks pretty normal from the outside. But on the inside, I'm a mess. But hey, what's new, right??
I've gone back and forth in "relationships" so many times in the last couple years, it's almost like a ping pong game. Or tennis. Yeah, tennis. Life-40, Me-Love. (Oh, I do like that ironic play on words).
I'm trying, again. Yet I find the same situation exists that did before. Life circumstances, differences, challenges, that don't go away, no matter how much you try to pretend they could. And a past that still haunts me.
How I wish... for one of two things... A; I can find something consistent and lifelong that I can emotionally invest in, or, B; I can just completely turn off my need to have a life partner.
I don't ask for much, right?

At some point over the last couple years, I adopted the idea (or at least tried to) that I didn't need anyone in my life, as long as I had my son. I know, weird. Norman Bates' mother syndrome? It's really not as weird as it sounds, really...
I just felt that, as long as the boy was in my life, I didn't need anything else. He would be my only priority. I would live for him. Oh hell, I do live for him.
My daughter is grown, and takes care of herself (for the most part). I see her on occasion, but not as often as I would like to. But my boy is still home, well, part time. And aside from him, there's not much else in my life that gives it purpose.
But, he's spending more and more time now at his father's. It's painful, but I am trying to understand it... He feels closer to his brother when he's there. He has been having a very hard time coping with his brother's death. He internalizes, still. He gets through each day. Appears normal. But I know him, and I know that inside he is struggling, so much. I wish I could bring him peace somehow. And I am still coping with my own pain and anger, at life, for giving this to my son. Anyway... aside from that, dad has all the toys; four wheelers, dirt bikes, snowmobiles... And his youngest brother is there, and needs him. And I'm trying to accept the fact that he's simply grown closer to his dad than he is to me.
And so, as he grows apart from me (which is happening now at a lightening fucking speed), what am I left with?
Absolutely. Fucking. Nothing.

I know, I know... I should get a hobby or two. Join a gym. Go out. Make new friends. Meditate.
Or some shit like that.

What day of the week is it? I can't even tell. Usually the boy comes home on Sunday nights. He hasn't yet this week. So it still feels like Sunday. But it's not, it's Tuesday. At least, I think it's Tuesday.

And since I've brightened everyone's day with my garbage, I'll try leaving you with something positive, uplifting, motivational...

"When life gives you lemons... keep them. Because, hey, free lemons."

"You might have been given a cactus, but that doesn't mean you have to sit on it."

"When shit happens, turn it into fertilizer".

Etc, etc, etc... Blah, blah, blah.