Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Every year's a souvenir, that slowly fades away...

In less than twelve hours, this horrible year will be gone.
I wish it could take it's memory with it.

I've said in years past, "this has been the worst year yet"... Evidently I didn't know about 2013.

The year I lost my beloved father.
The year I lost the one man whom I thought was my life partner. The year I spent fighting for a love that wasn't truly a love, after all.
The year that my son came to know the same disappointment in love that I did. His heart is broken as well; he loved his step-father and step-sister.
The year that I lost my home. Not only the one I'm in now, that I will have to move out of (thanks to above mentioned relationship disaster), but also the one I owned, that has finally been foreclosed upon. I regret that I allowed myself to be swayed into putting it on the market and moving here, because "we needed something bigger".
The year of being left destitute, with no income, living in poverty. Searching relentlessly for employment.
The year I helplessly watched my daughter go through the first real heartbreak of her life. And how, subsequently, my relationship with her fell apart as well.

A year of lost hope, devastation, despair, and heartache.
I'm so glad to see it go.

I can only hope that this year will bring new and wonderful things to my life, to my children's lives.
Lord knows we deserve it.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Dear fellow members of the broken hearts club;

Fear not... It soon becomes quite easy to tell that declarations of love and crocodile tears translates to- "I just want to continue sleeping with you".

Do yourselves a favor and dodge the bullet! ... I know I did!

Have a nice day!

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Netflix couldn't hold my attention. The internet doesn't posses it's normal allure. Can't focus on a book. Laundry and dishes were a temporary distraction. Maybe I should go for a drive.
I don't know what to do with myself.

Several offers exist for company, invites to this house or that house, family, friends...
I don't know if I could be around people right now, even as lonesome as I may feel.

Maybe I'll head down to the bar. Perhaps that'll be distraction enough. An appropriate environment and enough people to not feel too personal..
But I don't know.
Maybe I'm more suited for my own company today.
I had such a wonderful Christmas eve with the family, and a wonderful Christmas morning with the kids. I really couldn't have asked for more.

And now Dawson has gone to his Dad's, and Logan has gone to hers...

Even though I still realize all of those blessings listed in yesterdays blog, today is still difficult.
I am trying my best not to be sad. Although, my eyes have already leaked on a few occasions. And I'm sure it will continue off and on throughout the day.

I'll cook up some Ramen noodles, hook up my google chromecast, and spend the day with Netflix, the couch, and fuzzy pjs.

I won't be sad, I won't be sad, I won't be sad....
Perhaps if I say it enough, it will be true.

"Far away, long ago
Glowing dim as an ember
Things my heart used to know
Things it yearns to remember
And a song someone sings
Once upon a December"...

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

It's finally Christmas time!

My sister, her husband, my niece and nephew, Mom and Nana will be here today. I'm so excited to have the family here together for the day!

Sharla and I were talking about how strange it will also be, though.. without Dad. Like she mentioned, shopping was weird... We've both seen so many funny gift ideas and thought- oh, this would be great for dad... (he loved everything bizarre and unusual).. Yesterday I was chopping veggies and getting snacks ready, and I remembered how Dad would sit at the bar (pretty much the entirety of any family gathering) picking at the veggies and dip, chips, and crackers and pepperoni... He won't be here to be the designated wrapping paper garbage bag holder.. or to take all the wires off the toys and get them out of their boxes... or to hug and kiss, and say I love you...
Mom forewarned me that she had a couple personal gifts for the two boys that might get us all teared up... She's giving Colby a model corvette that Dad had. Colby plays with it every time he's at Mom's. And she's giving Dawson Dad's leather cap. These are priceless gifts. And I am excited to see Dawson put on Dad's hat.. I'm not so excited about crying like a baby, but hey, that's alright. Hopefully he doesn't get too upset, he is a bit more tender than most. We'll get through it.. We'll all get through the day.
I love you Dad. Miss you. Merry Christmas.

And then there will be Christmas day..
The kids will be here until noon, and then they're off to their Dad's. I'm accustomed to that. But it's a little different this year. I'll be alone for the first Christmas in a few years.
Oddly, I'm not that concerned about it at the moment. I'm too excited about the next 24 hours. I know it will be very difficult when the time comes, but I will handle it. I'm a big girl.
I'm just happy that the family will be here tonight, and that my kids will wake up together in the morning. With everything going on between Logan and I, and her staying with her dad, this would have been the first year that the kids weren't here together at the same time over Christmas. And I had been so sad about that, for a while now.. And then Logan told me that she had decided to stay here overnight on Christmas eve. That is one of my Christmas blessings this year, and the best gift I could have asked for.

I say "one of my Christmas blessings", because I do recognize that I have many, no matter how hard life seems to be for us right now...
I am blessed that my children are healthy, and well cared for, and loved.
I am blessed that, even though my father is gone, I am still surrounded by a loving family, both close and extended. My children, sister, mother, Nana, niece and nephew, aunts and uncles, and countless cousins.
I am blessed that, even though they may be very few, I have some of the best friends a person could ask for.
I am blessed that I still have my health, no matter how old and decrepit I may feel at times.. lol... That I am still here to kiss my children.
I am blessed that, even though I have to move in the near future, I still have a roof over my head for now, and a place to call home, thanks to my sister.
I am blessed that I'm finally back to work, and that I also found a second job.

But with all those blessings, I am still sad. On a daily basis. Love lost is always a heartbreaking experience. But when that love comes with conditions and inequality, it is not true love, actually, at all. And so, I am trying to recognize that as a blessing as well. And I will do my best to let it continue to be a blessing, and not hinder our Christmas, or our lives, any more than it already has.

Merry Christmas everyone, and count your blessings!

Thursday, December 12, 2013

My latest facebook status updates reads:
"Seriously in need of an attitude adjustment... I don't know if it's the holidays (Mom always said I have a hard time with the holidays... don't know how she knows this), or hormones, or being poor and jobless, or being a pre-divorcee (for the third time), or the earth's position to Jupiter, or WHAT.
But damn, aren't I frickin miserable."

Truth is, it's all of those things, and more.

Being jobless is driving me crazy. Now, let's face it- even before the bar shut down temporarily, I didn't work that often. But for some reason, I wasn't going crazy then. I didn't mind the days spent alone. Well, they weren't really alone, I guess. Troy was here.
Now him and Logan are both gone; it's just Dawson and I. And if he's at school, or gone to his Dad's, I'm going crazy.
Oh yes, and the being poor part of it sucks too, just in case that wasn't still obvious.
I can't recall the number of interviews I've had in the last two months, dozens probably. It's ridiculous that I don't have a job yet.

I saw my therapist this week, after a couple weeks of missing her.
I mentioned that Troy had asked about postponing the divorce. I talked about my hesitancy with that.
She raised a good question- "What does staying married look like?"
I don't know.
It looks like this, I guess. Me living here (or wherever), him living there. Spending time together when we don't have our children, and visiting once and a while when we do.
This is what staying married looks like. I'm still trying to decide if that's acceptable to me.
Perhaps if we had always lived this way, this unconventional marriage wouldn't be so bad. But that's not the case. There is so much history. And this isn't what I chose.
I don't know.

I miss my dad.

Then there's my daughter, who used to be my best friend. Now I hardly see her. Rarely talk to her. In fact, I think she sees me as the enemy. Not quite sure how or when that happened.
"Had a fight with my daughter,
She flew off in rage.
Third time this week,
Don't tell me it's the age.
Don't know how I've lost her,
Only know that it's a shame"...
~Bonnie Raitt, All at Once

I don't want to have to move, again. Dawson asked again today why we have to move. How could he possibly understand such a complicated situation...  I can't afford to pay Sharla what she needs in order to keep this house, she can't afford (and shouldn't have to) take care of us. I don't know where we will go.
I don't want us to be uprooted again.

Then again, I didn't want any of this, this year. And yet, here it is.

Happy holidays.

Friday, December 6, 2013

It's been almost two weeks since I've written. That's not like me.

There's plenty to write about. Some of it, I'm just not sure if I should. But alas, my need to vent supersedes caution. And so, on with it.

Many of my readers are friends on facebook, and have witnessed what I've termed "hell week"....
Getting the bad news about Sel having a nerve/cervical issue, getting his pain meds, and accepting that we just keep him comfortable now, as it will most likely get progressively worse... The pluming fiasco (clogged pipes, a $300 service call, a huge mess in the basement, a complaint to the company)... The well running dry fiasco, and living without water for a day and night... locking my keys in the car... losing my notes in my iphone (notes which included appointments, reminders, important dates, to-do lists, and a spreadsheet-like list of every single christmas gift (for 8 different people), and whether or not it had been shipped/received/wrapped... Dawson "tricking" me into believing that he didn't believe in Santa anymore, and his absolute devastation when I confirmed it...
The first week of December... Hell Week.

Add that to the already existing cesspool which is my life....

My husband... We all know the story of his leaving, for the second time this year. When I filed the divorce papers last month, I was so sure of myself, so firm in my resolve... Yet, we are still seeing one another. Love, co-dependency, the inability to let go... I don't know what it is that keeps us tied to each other. I used to think it was because we were meant to be. I guess maybe I still do. But then again, I also remember that this is not my idea of a marriage. We used to talk of reconciling, of living together again. But now we continue living apart. It's hard for either one of us to imagine how we could be a family again, after all that has happened. I don't know if we have a future. I used to think that it was still possible. Now, I don't know what to think. Last night, he mentioned that he'd like us to stay married, to postpone the divorce. I just said- "Do you want some of this coleslaw? It's really good"...

My daughter... Second to losing my Dad, my daughter has quite possibly been the heartbreak of the year.
Two weeks ago I had a serious talk with her about her life choices, about her not helping out around here, about her disrespectful attitude and sense of entitlement. Then she brings her douchebag boyfriend to my house while I'm away, they get into a fight, he breaks my bathroom door in. She isn't here when I get home and discover it. I text her, and she simply says- I don't know. It broke. I replaced it... I'm angry as hell, so she stays at her father's house. I come down on her pretty hard... I've told her she can't have free rein with the car anymore. She uses it for school, and that's it. It's the only tool I have to use, since she's 18.
I'm super angry, but also worried about her. This guy is bad news. Normal people don't break a door down to get to someone. She's ambivalent. She acts as though I am the enemy.
I never did get an apology.
And that weekend, two weeks ago, was about the end of it... She used to live here full time... She's stayed here one night in the last two weeks. She stays at her father's now. Comes by once in a while to pick up clothes, or text books, or whatever she may need. I rarely hear from her. Dawson misses her.
We used to be best friends...

No job, no income. That story is old now, too. I keep trying. I keep looking. I keep interviewing.
The bar is hopefully opening back up soon. That will help. I'm holding onto that. And hopefully, sometime soon, I will land one of these jobs I interview for.
I'll need to start saving soon, somehow. I will probably have to move in the spring, as I mentioned in my last blog. Even when I start working again, I doubt I can afford this house. And my sister can't afford to take care of me, nor would I expect her to.
I hate the idea of more disruption in Dawson's life. And in mine. Everything is so unstable. Life has pulled the rug out from under us so many times this year...

Speaking of Dawson... He is doing okay. Well, he was, until the whole Santa devastation yesterday. He'll get over that in time. But on the whole, he's doing okay...
He knows we may have to move in the near future. We talk about it. I don't want him to have any more surprises in life. He asks- Where we will go? Will we live in an apartment? Will we move to Bangor?? We can't move to Bangor, there's too many drugs! (lol)... Will we live in a trailer? I assure him we will find a nice place, whether it's an apartment, a trailer, a house, whatever... We will make it our home. We will have each other.
He misses Troy. He knows him and I are still seeing each other. He wants to see him, he's been asking for a while now. I guess I will let him. Maybe we will have a dinner date. I don't know what more harm it can possibly do. But then again, what the hell do I know? I can't seem to figure out what the hell to do about anything nowadays.
And he misses Logan. Very much. Him and I have been enjoying our time together, but he consistently talks about how lonely it is here now, just the two of us...

And the holidays without Dad... Life without Dad, in general. I miss him so much, every goddamn day. And I'm still so angry. Angry that he chose to do this to himself, and to us. Angry that he didn't have the strength to get that monkey off his back, and that it eventually killed him. I don't know how to let go of that. But goddamnit, I miss him. So much.

And there you have it, a "catch-up", so to speak. The last couple weeks in a nutshell. Nothing new, really. Same old, same old.

I'm still waiting for my luck to turn around. For life to be a little kinder.