Friday, July 31, 2015

Random 5am thoughts...
Actually, they begin at 5 AM. They spilled over to the 10 AM mark. Truth is, they'll last all day and into the night. Rinse, wash, repeat.
But I digress...

Next time I go on vacation, I'm leaving state. Addendum; next time I go on vacation, I will leave state, and bring nothing but my dog. Oh, and coffee and cigarettes. 

Does facebook (Twitter, Instagram, Flickr, etc.) have some substantial meaning or purpose? No. However, your social media outlet is a direct representation of yourself. You can tell what's important to a person based on what they share... Alternatively, a lack of interest/investment based on what they DON'T share.
If you post about partying all the time, you look like a partier.. Drugs.. a druggy. Drama.. a drama queen. Drinking… a drunk. If your posts are always about yourself, you look like a narcissist. Constant posts expressing your overzealous opinion on politics, religion, and all other things controversial make you seem combative. Ironically, -and pay attention here- the more you try to convince others of your position, the less believable/sincere your position becomes. You've all seen my replies to these fervent arguments on facebook- "I like bacon." Don't get me wrong, I have an opinion, a position, on many of these debates, and a mighty long list of others. I just don't enjoy the idea of arguing them in such an open forum (I was never on the debate team in school). I prefer to discuss much more personal information, as evidenced in these blogs. ;-)
And now you will say I sound judgmental. But how can I not be when these are the ways people represent themselves? Look at your Facebook (Twitter, Instagram, Flickr, etc.) page- What do you want YOUR face to look like?
I'll admit, mine is a mess. And that's probably pretty accurate.

I tried putting myself on a budget this week (budgeting is a lifestyle I am not accustomed to). It lasted two days. 

Tending bar has always been one of the funnest, most diverse, nonconforming, and enjoyable jobs I've ever had. It has also been the most challenging in terms of stress, tolerance, patience, and mental/emotional (and physical) wear and tear. Managing a bar has brought both of those points to an entirely new level.

When did I become so much like my father? I mean, I've always been like him. But recently it seems more so. More grumpy, less tolerant. When did he finally start to "mellow"? At what point will I?
And when did I become so much like my mother? So conservative? She wasn't always that way. Neither was I, for that matter.

I have (emotionally) struggled more in the last six months than I have in much of my life. I desperately want a quiet mind, home, peace. Limbo is a nasty place to live.

I've smoked three quarters of a pack of cigarettes since 5 AM this morning. Like much else in my life, evidently I am no good at anything in moderation.

Time for work. 

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

It's my birthday. I'm 42 today. Wait, I mean.. 29.

No big plans today. It's just another day.
I dropped my favorite boy off at basketball camp. Now I'm home (or, what is my part time, roommate style residence, I suppose), doing laundry, picking up dog poops from the kitchen and laundry room, writing this blog..

I think I'll take Pixie to the lake. I've been dying to sit by the water lately. Still. Always. I don't know why. It just seems that's what calls me. And since I can't have my dream of waking up to it every morning, I guess I'll just go to the local public landing for the afternoon.
Maybe I'll find some peace there today.
Dinner with the crew later today. Tonight will probably consist of more internet browsing until the wee hours, and some quality time with the DVR. Hopefully I'll sleep.
No big plans, just another day.

I am a bit overwhelmed by my thoughts today (although, I suppose that's how it is every day). It's funny how a milestone such as your birthday can really force you into self-reflection.

I certainly didn't expect my life to look like this at 42.
Divorced for the third time. Still no college degree. Credit history down the toilet. Living with my mother (and not enough of an income to change that)...
Side note... I owned a home once. I bought "too much house" when I had what I thought was a partner for life. Three months later, he left us. Just like that. Up and left. And there I was, sporting a $1400 a month mortgage. I held on as long as I could. Worked 60-70 hours at two different jobs. Renegotiated my loan a dozen times. By the time the next "what I thought was a life partner" came along to help out, it was far too late to save the house, the loan, or my credit.
Anyway, I digress...
Not where I would have expected to be at 42...

I need to work more at my current job or get a second job. Period. That's the first priority on a long list of "have to's". It's the only way I'll be able to afford my own place. Not that living with mom is terrible, it's not. It's been tolerable, for the most part. I just need my own place. Even if that might mean.. gasp.. low income housing, for the time being. We shall see. It's a consideration, anyway. I'm still looking every day online.. Craigslist, Bangor Daily, Facebook groups.. for a place that I might be able to afford. Then again, I still have to come up with first month plus security deposit. Which I'm TRYING to save for. Who wants to give me a loan? Sigh.

And, I feel very alone in my mess. Sometimes that's comfortable, just, appropriate. It's as it should be.
Sometimes, it's just lonely.
I have a few friends. I have a sweet boyfriend. I have my mom. My kids.
But ultimately, I am alone in it.

Sometimes I want to be taken care of. Just, taken care of. Sometimes, I just want to be left alone.
I know what I don't want.. half-way. Half-way, I can't do.
I'm a walking contradiction.

Now I'm rambling. I just don't know. I'm so dissatisfied with my life right now.

Laundry's done.
Maybe I'll skip folding it and just head to the lake with the dog.
Yep, that sounds like a plan.
At least I have one. Hey, it's a start. Baby steps.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

My father always said-
"If something seems too good to be true, it probably is."
Coincidentally, he also said-
"There's nothing I hate more than a fucking liar."

Monday, July 13, 2015

I haven't written anything of substance lately. Well, that I haven't taken down after a couple days. I'm famous for that, you know. Writing during a mood torrent (I prefer "mood torrent" to "mood swing", as torrent seems much more appropriate), and then taking it down once the emotional crisis has passed.
Truth is, it seems there's always an emotional crisis going on in my life. The ebb and flow is just variable; sometimes I can tread water, sometimes I can't.

I've been wanting to write lately, but haven't found the opportunity. Not that I'm terribly busy. Well, I guess probably I am. I "only" work three days a week. On my off days, I do bar banking and liquor orders and work from home, Dawson, groceries, personal errands, house keeping, appointments, and all that other crap that makes "days off" not really that at all. I guess I'm busy. I'm not sure how I'd balance it all if I worked what most consider a "normal" schedule.


It's my "day off" today. I' m going to do the bar banking, check the liquor inventory/time cards/cash-up slips, get groceries, do my banking, pay bills, and get my hair done (yay! something for me on my "day off"!) Then later I'll pick up Dawson... He's spending most of the day with Troy and Kayli, and Kayli's friend Maddy (whom I think he may have a secret crush on... not so secret anymore.. oops)...
Yes, you read that correctly, he is spending time with his former step-family. They had a very strong relationship, and I believe it important to allow that to continue. Troy and I are on good terms. We have been swimming there, we have watched UFC fights there. It's been no secret that he would like us to be together as a family again. It's also been no secret that it's hard for me to deny that that feels normal and comfortable, regardless of our history. I am just calling it "on good terms" at this point. And for now, I won't write about it any further.

Because there is still someone else in my life that has a special place in my heart. Who has for five months now. That I'm crazy about. That I have a very special connection with.
And that circumstances have been ever-challenging with.
“If you have chemistry, you need one other thing—Timing. But timing is a bitch.” ~Unknown
It's more than just timing, though. Even timing couldn't conquer the circumstantial factors. The distance, the lifestyle differences, the children and parenting differences, the personality differences, the "relationship approach/style" differences...
It's so goddamn ironic that the universe, fate, god, whatever.. would pair two people with such an undeniable connection, and such irreconcilable factors. How. Friggin. Ironic. And not in the humorous, playful ironic way, either. Irony is curious like that.
And we've discussed it all. Every practical and logical sign (most times) points towards an eventual (or immediate) ending, but we can never bring ourselves to do it. Because of said undeniable connection.
But every week, it seems, the circumstances become more and more difficult to tolerate. Sometimes they're even put right in my face, which happened just this past week...
I posted a brief rant on facebook earlier this week about the challenges of being a parent, and the influences you wish you could shield your children from. The truth is, you can't. But you can try to eliminate or avoid those that are within your control, right? But what if it's more complicated than that?
Anyway, I'm getting off path and confusingly vague. I'm rambling.

In other news, Patches (our ancient cat) got sprayed by a skunk this weekend. I was not home, and so mom had the pleasure of bathing her and trying to de-stink the house. Although, it does still slightly smell in here. Poor stupid cat. Poor Mom. Hehehe...

It was very nice to have an actual day off this weekend. I was able to spend it with both my kids and some of my family at camp in Enfield. And, tons and tons of other children, as it was a birthday party. I don't tolerate children well, or the chaos that accompanies them, but it was still a very nice day. And you know what else??? My sister and I were both there, and we didn't kill each other! We sat across from one another on the deck almost the entire day. We even had a brief small-talk exchange concerning Logan's new "man friend". It was almost... nice. I do miss what we had. Sharla was always my best friend, had been for years. It's been almost a year and a half since our parting of ways. We haven't spoken at all, and have only seen each other perhaps twice, uncomfortably. I think we may both be approaching the point where we would be willing to bury the hatchet. Although, I can't speak for her. I only know how I feel. But that was the impression I got this weekend. We shall see. Baby steps.

And I have another real day off this week as well! We'll be going to camp again on Friday, and I'll get to see my Aunt Carrie, whom I only see about once a year. Logan surprisingly has the day off also, so she'll get to go too. Hopefully Ben will let me take Dawson for the day. I'm very happy to be able to see and spend time with everyone. As I get older, I am beginning to realize that family is really the only thing we have.
And we haven't much time.

Which makes me think...

Do what's important. Do what matters. Do what makes your heart happy and your mind quiet. Do what brings you peace.
Regardless of what it looks like, or what people think, or what you stand to lose.
Every, single, day.
For we haven't much time.