Friday, June 24, 2016

Just a quick blurb before work...

Today marks three years since Dad has been gone.
On Father's day, on his birthday, on his favorite holidays, I tip back a Coors Light in memory of him.
But on the day of his death, I always say- I will not drink a Coors Light today.
And so, I will not drink a Coors Light today.

I will go to work. I will serve Coors Light all day (among other things). I will try and paint on my happy face. I will smile at my customers. I will try not to cry behind the curtain on occasion. I will try not to be short-fused.
I miss him so goddamned much. Especially times like these. Times when I could use his strong presence, his quiet wisdom. As I've always said, he's the only person who ever got me.

Tonight I will take my boy to see Def Leppard. I won tickets as part of my prize package when I won the Penobscot Theatre live band karaoke contest. I won tickets to three other shows as well; Journey (I gave those tickets to Mom and my niece), Bryan Adams, and Hall & Oates. Dawson will be my date tonight. He may have to be my date for all of them. Or maybe I just won't go. I never did like crowds.

(For those of you who haven't seen the video of my performance all over Facebook, I'll insert it here)...

So, anyway... Tonight the boy and I have a date.

In other news...
I wish I could decide what I want to be when I grow up. I have opportunity to go back to school, I did qualify again for substantial financial aid. Now I just have to figure out what to do, what to study, what to pursue. And can/will I actually stick with it this time??
What do I want to be when I grow up? 
I can't tend bar forever.

The lake "newness" seems to be wearing off, at least a little bit. I don't post a lake sunrise picture on Facebook every day anymore. I don't sit in awe of it every day as I used to. 
But I still go to it... Step out my door, stare at it, listen to it, if only for a minute. Each day. 
It's at least temporarily peaceful.

I need to go get ready for work, drop the dog at daycare. Have more coffee. Always more coffee.

Take my mind and take my pain, like an empty bottle takes the rain
And heal, heal, heal, heal
...And tell me some things last

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

I didn't write yesterday because I was in such a foul mood.
I don't know if I'm any better off today or not, but I'm writing anyway.
I'm compelled to. I have to. I write so I don't go mad.

People will disappoint you.
(Oh, I guess I'm in no better mood today. Oh well.)
Seriously, though. People will disappoint you. The general public, the people you care about. Friends, family members, lovers. I know that. You know that. It's something we're reminded of almost daily. It's not a big surprise or some new epiphany. So, if we're all aware, why then is it still so surprising when it happens? Why does it still cause us to be so hurt, so bitter, so resentful?
Stupid. Stupid people. Stupid disappointment.

"Summer vacation" has begun and I am already struggling to find ways to entertain my son. Everything costs money. Hey- look, Dawson, a lake! Hopefully that will be the primary source of entertainment this summer. Oh, that and basketball and soccer. The high school has a very strenuous summer program for each. And it starts in less than a week! We are going to be very, very busy.
Speaking of which...
My boy is a freshman. Ugh. I don't want time to continue to move so quickly. I don't want him to grow up. No, don't grow up. Don't leave me, son.
Norman Bates's friggin mother.

I hardly see or hear from my other child. She's busy, I know. Busy with school and work. Busy being an adult. Busy making poor relationship choices (much like her mother, unfortunately).
I think you worry as much, if not more, when they've left the nest.

In other news...
Well, there really is no other news.
Everything is fairly status quo.

The dog still drives me crazy, but I love him.
The lake is still beautiful, and brings me peace, on occasion.
I still miss my adult daughter; I still suck the life out of my teenage son.
I still stress about work.
I still struggle financially.
I'm still alone most of the time.
I still wait for the Abilify to make me feel more human.
I still agonize over whether or not to go back to school.
I still miss my father.
I still feel lonely.
I still hate just about everything. I'm still a romantic misanthrope.

Friday, June 3, 2016

It's 5:30 am and I've already been up for an hour. I'm not sure what this early rising trend is, and I'm not sure I like it. Aunt Laura says it's perimenopause. I suppose it could be. I'm almost 43. Sigh.

I'm feeling my age more so lately. After a day of bartending, my knees hurt, my arms, my feet, my hips, my back...


I met with one of my prior college professors this week, she also works in admissions. Here I go again, maybe? One last ditch effort to get my college degree. Hopefully I can stick with it this time.
I've used much of my lifetime availability of federal assistance. I'll have to be very careful with course selections and make sure I'm not overspending my financial aid.

Side note...

May of 2011, I quit Key bank and started school. Early spring of 2012, I put my house on the market and rented Sharla's house. Two months later, I dropped out of school. This time last year I sold my Trailblazer. Early spring of last year I left my husband. If I look back at that last marriage, I can remember two other times that we split (more appropriately, he left) in the spring.
Now I'm enrolling in school again. And I've listed my truck for sale. I want to paint, build, write, craft, do something.
If my bipolar had a pattern, it would look like spring is ripe for mania.

If only it were just spring, though. I've noticed similar trends in the fall, when I also tend to shake things up with big decisions (sometimes disruptive ones). In the fall of 2011, I left my soon-to-be husband for my ex-fiancé (albeit briefly). I started trying to get back into music in the fall of 2014. Last fall I sold my VW. Last fall I moved out of Mom's and rented the house on the lake.

I find it less than comical that we always used to say to my daughter (about her dad)... "remember hunnie, spring and fall are his tough times".
Evidently they are also mine.
(And yes, my daughter is screwed. If she doesn't inherit these mental issues from either/both of us, it'll be a miracle).

Part of my therapy was that I was supposed to look for a pattern. I suppose I've found it. Part of my therapy has also been to put myself on a budget. I have yet to do that. Ooops. Part of my therapy was to "be still" during these times; do nothing. Go ahead and craft, paint, write, but otherwise, stay still. Indecision is uncomfortable, but sometimes the results of my "manic moments" are more uncomfortable. But I can't be still. I need something.

This is funny, considering these are also the times I tend to drastically change my hair... Cut it off, grow it out, color it crazy (I did just highlight my hair)...

So, my mania doesn't look like the over glamorized (and unrealistic) mania you see in cinema; I'm not jumping off buildings thinking I can fly. But trust me, that's not what bipolar looks like.
This is what it looks like. This quiet struggle. The disruptive behavior. The constant need for spending, for doing, for change. The discontent. The irritation, the anger. The (unpredictable) depression. The (enjoyable) highs. The scattered thoughts.  The inability to regulate moods and emotions.

I've recently increased my dose of Abilify. I've noticed no change yet. Wait and see. It's too soon.

In general, I feel like I'm at a crossroads again. I can't say why. I just am. And no, it's not because it's springtime.
It just is.

Anyway... in other news...

My boy recently went on a rafting trip to celebrate 8th grade graduation. (Graduating 8th grade??? WTF!?!?) You can imagine my anxiety while he was gone. Or perhaps you can't. It was unbearable. Sorry to anyone who I was bitchy with yesterday, it was a difficult coping day. He made it home safely. He's not dead. Although, one of the parent chaperones did say that a few kids went in the river. Somehow I knew one was mine. Sure enough, he was. He said it scared the piss out of him. I'm glad I didn't go. As fearful as I am of most everything, I would have had a friggin heart attack.
But he's home safe now. He's not dead. I can breathe.

Next week he graduates 8th grade. My baby, my last baby. Growing up and going into high school.

My other baby is growing up, too. She's 21! Holy shit! Jeezus, where does the time go???
She's dealing with some heartache right now. Boys suck. Although these scum needed to be purged from her life, I can still relate to the loss she feels. Loss of love, companionship, no matter how defective, is still difficult. I hope she can see how deserving she is, of better. Of more than that. I hope they stay gone. I hope she recognizes her worth.
I want to grab her and shake her and scream- LET THEM GO! In fact, I have. I hope she heard me.
So, which one of you has a nice young man for a son that would like to meet my smart, beautiful daughter? Heeheehee...

Work is good. Busy, busy. I may only tend bar three days a week, but I'm always busy.
We have two new girls coming on, and one guy leaving us. More change at the bar. I hope it all works out for the best.
I have to find a peaceful state of mind for work. It's been harder lately than usual. Most days I'm so tired of hearing my name called. So tired of people. The end of the shift is all I can look forward to. If I didn't know any better, I'd say I need a vacation. But I don't travel (mortality anxiety). I suppose I could just take some time off. I really haven't, in two and a half years. But I can't afford to, so I won't. Not to mention, I cannot anytime soon, with all the changes taking place.
So, just power through it. Know that it is a phase (even though it feels like a long-lasting one). It will pass. I will go back to enjoying my work. I won't be grumpy. I won't be discontent. Happy face, happy face, happy face.

Speaking of work, I should get off this thing and start my day. Four cups of coffee down, time to motivate.

Be well.