Thursday, April 30, 2015

It's 10am. Is it too early to start drinking?

Well, today was the day. As I mentioned already on Facebook...
I shuffled into the courtroom with the rest of the "uncontested" folks, where we all waited for our turn to be called. Two by two we stood in front of the judge and answered "yes" when he asked if both parties want to dissolve their marriage. Then we all went our separate ways, saying things to ourselves like- "For every ending there is a new beginning".. Or.. "This is the first day of the rest of my life".. Or.. "When one door closes, another opens"... And we say them over, and over, and over, until we believe it. And maybe we will. Maybe those idioms will help us forget our failures.

How surreal today was... Both of us sitting there in front of the judge, answering his questions, quietly weeping, doing away with our vows quicker and easier than when we spoke them.
And then we were given the opportunity to sign a waiver that would make our divorce effective as soon as the judge signed and filed the paperwork, within about a week, as opposed to waiting the three week appeals period. And the husband declined to sign it. I assume it was because we still have some financial arrangements that he may want to appeal if we do not come to an agreement on them within the next few weeks. Who knows. Before today, it may have been because he had some idea that we could change things. And, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered it. We had spoken of it these past couple weeks. Regardless of the new path of my life (and his), regardless of how this was "the right thing to do", it's not easy letting go of such a history. And what can I say- I'm only human.

But today, after our hearing, something came to light that changed everything. And I will have to leave it, vaguely, at that.  But now I know, that IF I had even REMOTELY entertained the idea of some future other than this, it is no longer even a possibility or option. It is removed, as it probably should be.
Sometimes, if you're having a hard time closing a door in it's entirety, the universe comes along, and helps to seal it shut for you. And even though you know it's the right thing, and you are grateful for the intervention, it somehow doesn't make it any less painful.
And then there is the sense of failure, in general.

And everyone says- knowing when to say enough is enough, is not a failure. But isn't it? If not this divorce, than the other two? Really, is this an adequate explanation for all three times I've been divorced? And not only divorces.. I've been engaged before as well, or in long-term relationships; relationships that never quite made it to the marriage part. What about those failures-that-weren't-failures? This history of mine causes such pessimism, misanthropy, questions of self worth... All of these failures-that-aren't-failures... I can't help but think, I must not be a keeper. I'm no good at this. Maybe I'm broken. I'm not relationship type material, at least, not the type that sustains. I have yet to be "enough" for anyone... good enough, kind enough, loving enough, supportive enough, intimate enough, smart enough, motivated enough... I could just keep going on and on. And all the arguing or kind words in the world won't help; just take a look at my track record fah fahk sake.

I saw this quote weeks ago.
I saved it for moments like today.
Yet, I have such a hard time believing it.

Now I will try to move on, cleanly and entirely. Enjoy my new found freedom, my new life.. Be allowed to emotionally invest 100% in my new relationship. Try not to taint it with my bitterness, my scars, my cynicism. It shows such promise... But then again, they all do, in the beginning.
And, if there's anything I've learned from love in these last couple decades, it's that, nothing lasts forever.

Monday, April 27, 2015

So, I've written at least twice in the past few weeks. Not the usual month or two between blogs. However, the blogs I've written, I've taken down.
One, because it was mean and nasty. There was quite a bit of truth in it, but it was still mean and nasty. And no matter how hurt or angry I am, I'm not that person. I was just angry. Well, maybe not angry. Probably just hurt. I read a quote recently... "Anger is just sad's body guard"...
The other I took down because.. well, I don't really know why. It was an awfully nice story. It was the story of a new love. And man, it was well written, too! Damn. Who knows why I took it down. Maybe I felt it was too much. Maybe I felt embarrassed or ashamed for being so in love so shortly after my separation (even though I shouldn't be, considering the other's circumstances). Maybe I am just afraid. Afraid to feel those things. Afraid of it all ending, like everything else has. And maybe I was still trying to be considerate to someone who doesn't deserve it.

I'm still struggling with the changes in my life. So many changes...

Moving (again..).. Dear gawd, I feel like a friggin gypsy. I've had 5 different addresses in the past 6 years. That's pretty sad. Reminds me a lot of my father. Although, he moved so much because he wanted to, not because he had to.

Living here with Mom is different. Not all bad, but different. I love her, and we're coexisting quite well, but not a day goes by that I don't wish I had "my own place". I could have taken my tax return and put down a deposit, and paid a few months rent. Instead, I put it all into improvements for Mom's place. Financially, it's just impossible right now for me to live alone. I'd have to steal away shifts from my girls at the bar in order to make it work. Or get a second (or third) job. I figure- if I quit smoking and driving, I could afford it.

Speaking of "afford" and "finances"... I should have plenty of money, right? Saving money by living with mom... that was the idea, right? Well, if it weren't one thing after another... carpenters, plumbers, electricians... buying new cell phones after ours got shut off... groceries... gas (holy moly, it's expensive to be in love with someone who's 50 miles away!)... Jeezus. I keep saying- I'll buy a grill, when I get ahead. I'll get new curtains for the living room, when I get ahead. I'll take the dog to the groomer, when I get ahead. Maybe I'll get a new car, so I don't have to worry about actually needing my Triple A, and save some money in gas... I'll, I'll, I'll... when I get ahead... Grrrrrrrr...

I become a third-time divorcee this week. The third time, as it turns out, is not a charm.
I want to survive this week and say things like- "This is the first day of the rest of my life"... or... "In every ending there is a new beginning".. Or any of those other positive idioms. And, no doubt I will. I'll probably post all kinds of crap on facebook about how this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, how happy I am, how relieved. And maybe I'll feel it, believe it.
But right now, all I feel is like the poster child for failed relationships.

Speaking of relationships..
The new relationship is wonderful. Really, there's not much more I can say about it than that. Silly me, of course there is... I wouldn't be me if I didn't write about it...
Side note- It sometimes feels like it's adulterated by my past relationship. That needs to stop. And it will.
Otherwise, it is wonderful. Wonderful, and new, and different. And frightening. My baggage, my issues, my past failures cause(s) me to constantly question everything. Everything. Do I really feel this way? Does he really feel this way? Will this last? How will this work out? What will happen when he truly gets to know me? Will he leave, like everyone else? I don't think I could survive another heartbreak. I'm so very afraid. Sometimes I look for things, warning signs or flags, reasons.. that aren't really there. My mother would say- "Get off the train track". I'm trying, Mother.
But when I'm with him, that all goes away. The melodious sound of his voice, how he smiles, how he holds me, how he loves me... It all goes away.
But I am so afraid.

Everyone keeps asking when my next gig is...
And the band is still minus one guitar player. The original one quit; which was not a huge disappointment. He was much like every other musician- difficult. More so than most. Even more difficult than me :)  We thought we had a replacement, a shoe-in. It fell through. Now we're back to square one. We're all frustrated, but we aren't ready to give up. It often feels to me like "the band that never was". Isn't this part of the reason I retired? So much bullshit, so much work. It's like a relationship, without the benefits. We have one gig a month booked right now, and plenty of opportunity to book more. What will we do? I don't know. Maybe I'll learn to play guitar. Wicked fast.

I need more coffee.

No, I need to get off this computer and get ready. I have a date with a smokin' hot guitar player and a cute three year old.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

I've done a lot of editing to this blog in the last few weeks..

Write something, take it down. 
Write something, take it down. 
Rinse, wash, repeat. 

I think it's because the story feels like it's constantly changing. 
So I'm just going to (try to) refrain from writing until my life has some kind of consistency. 
Which, at this rate, feels like it could be never.