Monday, May 11, 2015
...And because coffee and blogging is so much better than laundry, dishes, and groceries.
And because I'm feeling especially contemplative today. Not that that's terribly different than any other day; my brain is always on screech. Some days it's just less tolerable than others, and so, I turn to the blog.
A friend of mine wrote to me this morning- "You seem as happy as I've ever seen you...?"
And it gave me pause.
I suppose I am as happy as he's seen me in some time, based on my deluge of pictures and posts on Facebook. And perhaps they are a fairly accurate representation of how part of my life is at the moment. However, maybe I should include some photos of my always-empty bank account, or pictures of my son mourning the absence of his stepfather, or photos of what it's like to be an adult living with your parent, or pictures of the hot emotional mess that I am when no one is looking.
Perhaps then pictures would actually tell a story.
Ah, I sound so positive this morning.
Love is blind.
I have gone back and forth about this... Is love blind? Or is it just that our perspective/principles change(s) over time?
I remember my mother once saying- "You can't help who you love". Ah, she was so right (again, damnit). Because you can't. A person can meet hardly any of your prerequisites, or can match several of your "I will never date/marry a person who _______" points, and you can still love them/fall in love with them. How does this happen??? How do two people with fundamental differences fall in love with one another? And most importantly, how do they sustain it?
Many of the previous men in my life have possessed qualities, or there were circumstances in the relationship, that I would not consider ideal. Is that why they didn't work out? Honestly, I can only think of one man who closely matched my "ideal", and he's been gone from my life for several years. So, maybe the "ideal theory" is hogwash.
Argh. It's so confusing.
It makes me over-think. Where will this go? How will it work out? What will it look like in six months? In two years? Five years? Ten years? I need to know these things NOW.
I know, I obsess. Trust me, if I could quit it, I would; it drives me crazy.
As I mentioned briefly above, my son is having a particularly difficult time accepting the fact that his stepfather is gone from his life. It's worth mentioning, because it is currently one of my biggest heartbreaks. Earlier on, there was talk of the two of us remaining "friends". And of him maintaining a relationship with my son, staying in contact, perhaps visiting with the stepsister, still going to the gym together, golfing, etc... He was such a huge part of my son's life, during his most formative years. Sigh.
Alas, all this talk was before he got himself a live-in (young enough to be his daughter) dependent girlfriend, and another kid. And you may say that shouldn't change the potential of continuing a relationship with my child. But in reality, it does. Because I'm bitter and/or hurt? Maybe. But mostly because it's just not realistic. And somehow, I need to help my child understand that reality, and ease his pain.
...I once cut all ties with a very close friend, who adopted a "man child". A useless leech, a parasite. A slug who may have cared for her, but primarily used her for his needs. And she couldn't see it, refused to even consider it (I reiterate- love is blind). It was a constant point of contention in our friendship. And so, I washed my hands of it completely. Fortunately, she has recently rid herself of the sloth. Sadly, we are still not friends.
It's a relevant comparison.
I've felt terribly vulnerable for the last few months. Insecure, doubtful, jealous, uncertain, diffident, all those ugly emotions. It's quite uncomfortable.
Between my recent divorce heartbreak and the new whirlwind romance in my life, I feel very exposed. I seemed to have lost my thick outer layer. That tough skin that I wore so long ago, when my girlfriends would describe me as independent, bad-ass. strong... Where did it go? How do I get it back? How do I protect myself from the emotional elements without it?
I want to "not give a shit" again. I'm frightened.
I suppose, I should try and turn my excitable, overactive mind to the more mundane things in life. Laundry, banking, groceries. Maybe this is why so many people become addicts. Seriously.