Sunday, February 26, 2017

Well, it's only been a few weeks since my last blog (instead of a month, as had been the trend). Once again, nothing much has changed.

I bought a new (well, new to me) car. Ugh. I think that's a good thing. I do love it. I've always wanted a Ford Edge. Now I've got one. I sold my truck less than 24 hours after posting it online. I guess I should have asked more money for it! It's funny, the night I sold it, I cried all the way home. Silly, right? Maybe I am just intolerant to change. Maybe it was the finality of it. Maybe it was just hormones. Who knows.
I am worried about the new car payment in the budget. I think it's doable. I guess it doesn't matter now, I'm stuck with it. Gotta make it work. Again, if I quit smoking, I could easily afford it.... I ponder, as I light another cigarette...

A facebook friend of mine posted a few days ago- "It's 4am, and I'm heating a can of peas in the microwave, because I'm 27 and I don't know what I'm doing with my life"...
I almost responded- "Get used to that feeling, kid. At 43 you won't know either."
But I didn't.

We got a cat. The landlord finally approved, yay! The boy and I went to the local humane society. We adopted a beautiful, long haired, seven year old coon mix. She's turned out to be super sweet and loveable. It really is a great match. She adores the boy; she goes up to bed with him every night.
And she's a whole lot easier to manage than a dog.
Speaking of dog.. Flash is doing wonderfully in his new home. He absolutely adores the older man who is his new owner. He loves the other dogs on the farm, and gets to run with them every day. I get photo and video updates on facebook. It really was the best decision for all of us.

Today the boy is going to tryouts for a spring basketball league. It'll be the first time he's participated in something like this. He has several friends who have done it for a few years. The games are every weekend in southern Maine. The costs associated with it are pretty extraordinary; $300 to join the club, $38 tournament fee every weekend, plus hotel stays. I'll split the costs with his dad, and I'll probably get a hotel room in South Portland every Saturday night. Ugh. Good thing I put my tax return in savings.
I don't much care about the cost. I want him to be able to do this. He needs this.
Again, thank gawd for tax returns.

I had a fun time last night hanging out with a few of my customers/friends at work. It was actually one of those "good vibes" kinda nights. Everyone was happy. Laughing, singing along to the jukebox, playing pool, cracking jokes. I even played a couple games of pool, myself.
I felt included, well, mostly. Or at least, it was the closest to it I've felt in a while, I guess. I have such a hard time relating to people. Fitting in. Belonging. Or whatever. I'm rambling.

The other day, my favorite grumpy customer came into the bar. He was a bit more reserved than usual, so I asked him- "Are you fussy today?" He said- "Well, I'm a little depressed". So I asked why. "Because I read your blog!" he responded.
Although it was quite funny, it was a bit serious as well. I asked him how he stumbled upon it, and he said- Google. Lol. Gotta love Google. We talked a little about it. He said he'd learned a lot. He also wondered why I write so publicly. My ex-husbands always wondered that, too...

And it made me think...
Why do I?
I blog for therapy. I blog because I love to write. But why do I publicize my life?
Maybe, just maybe, so that people like him, my customers, my friends, my acquaintances, and even strangers, can know me.
I have so few close ties in my life, so few people who actually know me. One was my father, and he's been gone for almost four years. Although quiet and sometimes distant, he knew me. One was my ex-husband, and he's mostly gone, still around, kinda sorta (but that's another blog)... And maybe two close friends; but as friends go, life happens, time goes on, people become busy, ties loosen.
And I feel like no one really knows me.
But why on earth is it so important to me that someone does?
I don't know.
Maybe because I know that someday (hopefully later than sooner), I'll be gone from this world. And I'll want to be remembered, known, by someone. By anyone.
Maybe, if someone knows me, I won't feel so alone in this life.

"Running after you, I don't know where you are
And I can't seem to get you, but I want you to know me"
~Days of the New, "Weapon & the Wound"

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Again, it's been a month between blogs. Just seems to be the way, doesn't it?
And again, nothing much changes. Well, a little. Not much.

I've recently made the hard decision to let Flash go. And not to just anyone. I didn't advertise, I didn't actively seek a new place for him to go. But I did know a family who owns a farm in the area who recently lost their aussie. Maple Lane Farms, in Charleston. I've known some of them for several years, I met them through the boy's dad, years ago. It's a beautiful farm, and a wonderful family. Flash will get the work and activity that he needs, and the attention. Maybe we'll even see pics of him during their team penning and sorting events. :)
Half the time here he's crated (I'm always working or busy doing something). He's not getting what he needs. He's bored. He's antsy. Between the boy being gone three days a week, and my busy schedule, he's not getting the attention he needs either. And that's my fault. Not only was I mistaken when I chose this breed, I was probably mistaken when I chose a dog, period. My life might be lonely, but evidently it's still too busy for a dog. Sigh.
He goes to the farm tonight after I get home from work. I'll cry, no doubt. I'll miss him, and yet I won't (the little bugger did drive me crazy). Just chalk it up to one more failure on the Crista list.

Maybe I can get a cat. They're less work. They don't require me to be home more than I possibly can.
Then again, the landlord won't allow it. He didn't allow animals at all. I had to email him my prescription for a service dog and all kinds of other paperwork in order for him to allow Flash. (Yes, as Maine law stands, a service animal can be either an animal trained to perform specific tasks, or an animal prescribed by a physician to mitigate the conditions of a disabling condition. A psychological one. Yes, I'm a bit crazy. :)
I've pitched the idea of a cat to him via email. I haven't gotten a response. I don't expect one.
Maybe I'll just get another friggin fish. The last one died a couple months ago.
Well, maybe I should just get a stuffed animal. That might be best.

Pipes are frozen this morning. I probably could have prevented that if I'd left my water dripping overnight. But I was a dummy and neglected to do so.
This house has been a nightmare all winter. Using up propane at a rate that I can hardly afford. And yet it's always cold in here, always. No insulation and the lake wind. The pipes freezing up often. Did I mention the cold? Grrrrrrr. It's always so damn cold in here.
But I hate the idea of leaving the lake. I love it here during the summer. I just love it. There is nothing, NOTHING like waking every morning to sit beside the water. Or coming home after work to it. It's been my dream, practically all my life.
I don't know what to do.
There's still the option of buying that trailer near the boy's dad's house. I haven't been in it yet, the owner still hasn't made time to start the repairs to it. Which is fine, because I need more time to decide anyway.
I'm torn.

Work is good. Tough time of year, but we're squeaking through.
I love my little bar. I hope it's "my little bar" for a long time. But I worry. What's new, though? I worry about everything.
I wish I could stop worrying...

Speaking of which, the boy is doing ok. He still has days when he's obviously not, but some days are ok. He's still a changed kid, unfortunately. I suppose he will be for life. And for that, I still hate the universe. I hate it for giving this to my child.
Basketball is over for the year. Despite the problems with the coach, he enjoyed the season. I hope he isn't jaded by this experience; I hope he still tries out for JV next year.
He wants to get into motocross this year. UGH.
As if I don't worry about him enough as it is.

That dog drives me crazy. But it's sure going to be lonely around here. Again. Still.
Story of my life.