tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Sunday, September 17, 2017

"Every day is like Sunday, every day is silent and grey"...

That's just a lyrical quote. And it's not true. Every day isn't like Sunday, it just seems that way, on Sundays. Sundays are my hard days. I just have to remember that, on Sundays.
There's no job to go to, no work errands to run, no boy to deliver to and pick up from school, no boyfriend around, nothing pressing to do to keep me occupied... There's just a whole lot of nothing.
Sundays suck.

Today I did get to take the boy out for a few hours for some mini golfing and go-carting with mom and my nephew. That was fun. But it ended as all other days with him always do, with me dropping him back off at his dad's, where he prefers to be. I'm so tired of that. I'm just so goddamn tired of missing him. My heart hurts. Still.

It's funny, sometimes I think I'm almost getting used to it, this being alone thing, the empty nest thing, the being ditched as a parent thing.... seeing him only when he swings in for a few minutes, or when I take him to school and/or pick him up, brief visits here or there... I get through every day and night, get used to living alone, being forgotten, go about my life... But there's always a void, an emptiness, a great sadness that's left from him not being here. And it'll never go away.
I never imagined this is how things would be. Especially considering how close we have always been. I never saw this coming. And I'll never understand it. Or get used to it. Or get over it. Sigh.


I fucking hate Sundays.

Things at the bar are status quo. The first priority mortgage on the building is now in foreclosure, and so we wait for that to complete its process, and for the bank to hold its auction. At that auction, my bosses will bid (they know what they are willing to pay for it), and we will all hope and pray that they will be the highest bidders. I don't expect to see an auction until late October, at absolute earliest. And I think that's being optimistic. We could be well into November before the auction takes place. The foreclosure process still has to be completed, and then they have to advertise for three consecutive weeks before the auction, so we have a bit to wait. Hurry up and wait. And stress, and stress, and stress.

I want a dog. Almost so much now that I dream about it. You ever get that way? When you really want something, you start having dreams about it? Anyway... I've been looking and looking and looking. I've been going through the adoption process with one rescue in particular, and I'm not real impressed with the process. Lots of people put in applications for this one dog in particular. I happen to be one of the "qualified candidates". It took a bit to get there, too. A lengthy adoption application, references, veterinarian reference, a home visit... Well, I have more questions for the foster family, and I wanted to meet the dog before I made any final decision. Unfortunately, I was told that IF she's still available when she comes to Maine on the 23rd, then I could meet her. Because if one of the other "qualified candidates" speaks up and says- we want her, then basically, viola, she's adopted and no longer available. So essentially, once you are determined to be a "qualified candidate", from there it becomes first come first served, I guess. Huh.


As it turns out, my life may have just gotten far too busy for a dog anyway. Unfortunately? Fortunately? I haven't figured that part out just yet...
As many of you may have seen from my various social media posts (facebook, instagram, snapchat), I may have begun a new musical venture. My old drummer from Bitter Grace brought a couple guys to our attention recently and we all got together last week to test things out. Now, you know me- musical snob, extreme critic- I didn't go into it with great expectations. By the end of the night I was pleasantly surprised at the outcome. It shows promise. As far as I can tell, we're all on the same page as far as level of interest, commitment, etc. We all want to learn, work, and play out. And none of us suck, lol. Sadly, I learned I've lost quite a  bit of my register over the years though, when I attempted to sing one of my all time favorites (and a song that I've been well known for singing for many years). Damnit. Anyway...
We just might have ourselves a Bitter Grace rebirth. Stay tuned.

I dreamt of my dad twice this weekend. It was nice to see him. Sad, but nice. He looked young in last night's dream. It was too short, though. I wish I could have spent more time in it. I miss him so much.

I still miss the lake. But it's becoming a fuzzier memory. It's funny how memories do that; become less and less clear the farther you get from them. Even though it has only been a few months. Maybe it's not becoming fuzzier, maybe it's just becoming less painful.
I'm getting used to my new home. It's not so terrible now.
Although, I can't help but think I won't be here forever. Not for very long. Maybe only two or three years. Maybe I'll relocate once Dawson is out of school. Maybe to a coastal town.
Maybe a place like Belfast.

Time for Netflix, I guess. Get through the rest of this silent and grey Sunday.

Be well.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

It's Sunday, so, coffee and blogging, right? Besides, Sundays are my hard days. It'll give me something to do, right? It'll give me a bit of therapy. It'll pass a little bit of today's time. Although, not nearly enough. There's still the rest of the day to get through. I'll have to figure out what to do with the rest of it.

Still missing the lake. I hate my facebook memories. Nearly every day is a photograph of the lake. I've learned to not look at them, but sometimes facebook starts your newsfeed with one.. "we thought you'd like to look at this memory from a year ago" bla bla bla... No fucking thank you, I really wouldn't like to.
I am still hoping my place's new tenants will suffer some kind of emergency and have to move back to Florida, or something. Just get out. I want my lakehouse back.

I want my son back, too. The kid that used to spend four nights a week at my house, for the last 13 years. That one, I want that kid back. I hardly see him still. And it fucking sucks. I still don't understand. And it still hurts so fucking much.

I post photos every day on the Brookside facebook page. I've saved photos to my phone over the last year or so (happy hour photos, TGIF photos, various bar memes, etc), so every time I want to post one, I unfortunately have to scroll through all the photos on my phone to find them. And so I have to leaf through all these pictures of the lake and my old house, and all these pictures of the boy when we used to hang out together, when he used to actually live with me.
I can't even look at any of them with fondness or happiness.

I keep thinking about getting a dog. I so miss having a dog in my life. I don't miss the dog hair, or having to let the dog out in the middle of the night, or rushing home after work to take care of the dog, or scooping dog crap out of the yard, or all that other stuff. But damnit, I do miss having a dog.
I should have just taken Kaya, the mastiff/lab that I was spending time with and posting pictures and videos of. She was pretty near perfect. But I just couldn't commit. And now she's gone with another family for her forever home. Sigh. I'm so concerned about what is going to happen with the bar. What if I lose my job? Will I be able to afford a dog? What if I have to get two jobs? Will I have time for a dog?
I suppose I need to wait and see what is happening with the Brook before I take that step.

Speaking of the brook... Still status quo, nothing new. We await the auction for the second mortgage (if it's still going to happen.. he hasn't advertised since his very first notice almost a month ago, and it has to be advertised for three consecutive weeks before the auction by law). Although now the bank is also foreclosing the first mortgage as well, so the situation has grown even more complicated. We really don't know what's going to happen. We'll wait to see what happens on the 31st, if there is still an auction for that second mortgage, and what happens there. Go from there. Wait and see. We still believe it's Charlie's intent to get the building. We still hope he won't be able to, and that we will. Wait and see.

And so, it seems I have lost or am in the process of losing everything that gives my life purpose or happiness. The lake, my son, and now probably my job.
And people wonder why I'm not a ray of fucking sunshine and super jolly to fucking be around.

I made the mistake of bringing the boy to my ex-husband's house this last week in an attempt to promote a relationship between them and his step-sister. He does miss them a lot, his step-father particularly, unfortunately. And unfortunately that only opened the door for confusion, for everyone. And hopes for the boy. I probably should have known better.
(Not that it matters, the ex never did make any attempts to maintain a relationship with the boy all those times we split. I don't know why we'd expect him to now.)
Today the boy stopped in and asked me what was going on. I told him I didn't know, but that basically he was doing what he always does (without specifically stating that that basically means inviting me to ride the emotional roller coaster again, but, the boy already knew that's what I meant). I also told him that no matter what, that doesn't mean that he can't continue to maintain a relationship with him. To which he replied- If he's going to mess with my mother's emotions, I don't need to.
He may not stay with me anymore, but I guess he still feels protective.
And, by the way, no, I'm not getting on the ride.

In the midst of all this bullshit in life, I did have a really nice weekend.

Work was really good this week, take out, nights spent in, my giant lawn was mowed (which to me means a lot) but I also actually went out; for real, no kidding! There's even video proof! Lol...

I went out Friday night with a few friends, and actually had a very, very good time. I got up with the band and sung. I needed that! I danced most of the night; I needed that too!
I also met a potential new band-mate. Yes, you read that right, a potential new band-mate. My old drummer has brought a couple guys to our attention. Really talented, serious guys, who want to get something going. And so, Bitter Grace (if I have any say in the name, Lol) may experience a resurrection. We shall see. I'll keep all my fans posted!
At one point Friday night, all us girls were out on the dance floor, and one of my friends noticed that I was all smiles. She brought it to my attention, and then I realized it too. I was literally smiling the whole time. She asked me what I was smiling about... In that moment, I didn't really know. But I recall quite specifically now, considering it. I was on the dance floor with a few girlfriends, dancing and listening to great music by one of my favorite local bands, looking across the bar and meeting eyes with a man who has been nothing but good to me for two and a half years (regardless of our circumstances or what I've thrown at him), and in that moment, I wasn't thinking about any of the shitty things going on in my life. In that moment, I was... happy.
Although in the moment all I could think of was- "maybe it's the meds!"
If only I could have bottled that feeling, to save it for moments like Sundays.

I need to weed whack and push mow a few spots, that should help eat up some of this day. I could walk down to the mailbox. I need to vacuum, but that doesn't take long. I could read my book, that usually helps these moments, if I can stay focused on it. I could scroll through the pages of Petfinder for the millionth time.

I need to do something, though. Get off this computer, out of this chair and get occupied, lest I fall victim to the Sunday blues.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

In case you couldn't guess, this will most likely just be another blog about the bar, the boy, and the lake. So if you've already heard enough about all that, you should probably hit your browser's back button.

The bar. Sigh.
The public auction for the building is the end of this month. This auction is very confusing. I've had to try to explain it to everyone who asks. The auction is actually only for a second mortgage on the building (the mortgage that's in foreclosure that's held by Charlie). Whoever bids the highest is buying Charlie's second mortgage, and then still has to pay off the first priority mortgage held by the bank. My bosses will attend and bid, and we will hope for the best. But we still assume that Charlie will bid the full amount (yes, on his own foreclosure) so that he can then pay off the first mortgage and own the building. That is what his attorney told us when they finally turned down our offer to settle.
He has been made aware that if he ends up owning the building, we will dissolve the corporation and the Brookside will cease to exist, and he will be left with nothing but an empty building., but he still seems to want it. I believe it must be some kind of personal vendetta at this point for him. It certainly wouldn't be a wise investment on his part. But who knows. I think the man is probably crazy.
We can only hope that he isn't able to get financing for the first priority mortgage, and we don't get outbid at the auction, or that somehow, we are able to purchase the first priority mortgage from the bank.
We are still hoping for a miracle.
I say we... But I'm a realist. A cynic, really. I don't believe much in hope or miracles.

I spent all my savings on the down payment for this place, but I've been putting a little bit of money away for the last couple months. Plus I got a small deposit back from my rental. I was so proud for being able to squirrel away so much in such a short time. And it looked like a lot, until I realized I've enough in savings right now to pay all my bills for one month of unemployment. I've got a lot of bills. Shit. One month.
If the auction is the end of this month, and then assuming the buyer (assuming it's not us) closes with the second mortgage and the bank in about 30 days, we've got about a month and a half, maybe two months in business.
That's not much time to try and save more.

And what do we do about an income? Do we job hunt? I know I want to stay on right until the bitter end. I know we've all promised to. I also know that the other girls have other jobs or working significant others. I don't. I don't have anything but this. When it's gone, I have nothing. We'll all apply and qualify for unemployment. But it will take time to start coming in. And it'll be a fraction of what we claim, and will only be a tiny fraction of what we actually make (tip income). So it won't be nearly enough to sustain.
We're screwed. Or more accurately, I'm screwed.
I did put my resume in for two different jobs this week. If for some reason I get an interview, I'll hope that they'd be willing to wait to take me on after the business closes. That's IF I get an interview, and IF they'd hire me. Both positions I'm a bit unqualified for. But I figured, what the hell. Might as well throw in my hat. I've got a few years of management experience now and I come with excellent references.
I hate the thought of job hunting again. For so many reasons.

I miss the lake. Every. Fucking. Day. So. Fucking. Bad.
When I don't have work to keep me occupied, I literally cry off and on all day. It's awful. At home, at the grocery store, at the bank, at the drive thru at Dunkin. It's beyond my control. When I'm home it's worse. It's all day. I can't stop it. I don't remember a time when I've been this terribly unhappy. I wish every day that I could turn back time and change my decision to leave. I daydream every day about the new tenants not working out and me being able to go back. It's not healthy. It's all I can think about. I've talked to my old landlord. He knows to contact me as soon as one of his properties opens up again. Even if it's the one across the street from the lake, where I first started. I'll go back. I'll sell, re-assign my owner financing, or just walk away, and go back. Crazy, I know. But I would. I am so miserable.
Who knows. Maybe someday I'll feel settled here. Happy, even. Maybe someday I'll learn to love it here, and won't want to leave. Somehow.
Or maybe someday I'll end up with a husband and leave here to live with him.
All kinds of things could happen.
Although I admit, that last one is probably pretty unlikely.
I belong on the water.
Someday, somehow, I will get back to it.
Until then, misery.

I still don't see the boy much. So, no lake, and still no boy.
At least when I lived at the lake I had that to entice him. To swim, to fish, go boating. Now I have nothing to offer. And I don't see him a whole lot more than I did before. Maybe a little, but not much.
The only difference here is that he stops by for just a minute while he is out riding the trails. Usually once or twice a week, only for a minute. Does a wheelie on the lawn, says I love you, and he's off again. It's really only a minute or two, here or there. A couple times I've asked him to come for dinner and he has. He stays for about 45 minutes and heads back to his dad's. Once last week he bribed me into picking him up late at the fair by saying he'd spend the night at my place. I was so excited. I thought maybe it would make him see that staying here wasn't so bad. He came home late and I took him back to his dad's early. I'm not sure it accomplished anything.
This isn't quite what I had in mind. Maybe someday he'll want to come home again. This is his home, too. I am his home. He just doesn't see it for some reason. And it breaks my heart. He truly is all I have anymore. I still don't know how to cope with losing him, too.

I have been primarily alone for a couple years now. Yes, I have seen someone, but they live away, and have a life and kids and lifestyle, all separate from my own. We have been together, but separate. It has always been the way. And as long as it lasts, it always will be.
I haven't had a real "partner" for two and a half years.
I often wonder what my life would be like if I did. Would I be so miserable if I weren't alone?
Of course there are things I miss about having a partner. The friendship. The togetherness. The coupling. Always being together, always having each other. Never waking or falling asleep alone. Spending your days and nights together. Doing things together, or nothing together, every day. Yes, you can be lonely in a relationship. But in a good and healthy partnership, this awful loneliness doesn't exist. Maybe I would be happier if it didn't.
Who knows.

I was going to go to the lake yesterday. I shaved my legs, put on shorts and a tank top, got my folding lawn chair out of storage... But I couldn't. The only landing is the one where you can look across the cove and see my old house. I just wasn't ready for that yet. And so, I didn't.
I still think that maybe I need to spend some time with the water. So yesterday I decided that today I would go to a beach. I don't know of very many (even though I was born and raised in Maine), so I would just go to the one that I know. The one where my father last gave me away. Even given the circumstances, it's still one of my fondest memories. I was happy then. I loved life. Everything was perfect. I had my children, my family, my father...
But it's cold and it's raining.

Maybe I'll just stay home and try to escape in a book.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

I turn 44 tomorrow. Holy shit. Where has the time gone? Where has my life gone?
I could get all philosophical here, I want to, but I won't. But I will say... the time has flown by. My life has flown by. One minute you're in your twenties, living it up, having the time of your life, struggling with the woes of youth... the next minute you're aging faster than you ever realized, and your life is close to over. It's bizarre. Time flies. Life flies.
But I digress.

I dreamt of the lake again last night. I still do, every night.
At least I don't wake up crying in the morning anymore. Not all the time, anyway. I still long for it, mourn. I'd still move back if I possibly could. I continue trying to accept my decision and move forward, but it's still a work in progress.

I still don't see a whole lot of the boy. I have seen a bit of him by default lately. He had to come here on Sunday to meet his sister to do some algebra homework for summer school. The week before, he spent two nights here because his dad was out of town. But generally, he still stays at his dad's. He hasn't really popped over to visit much lately. I'm hoping that will change.

I keep telling myself I didn't give up the lake for nothing. It wasn't just for the boy. It was for me, too. Even though I loved the lake more than I even knew I did. I gave it up for home ownership. For a future home for myself. For not having to search for a rent somewhere when I'm older. For stability.
At least, I keep telling myself those things.

There are all kinds of things I'd like to do with my savings. I'd like to buy a pool. I'd like to have my lawn treated (there are an abundance of ticks here), I'd like to buy more plants and trees for my property, to "make it my own" and to pretty it up a little, I'd like to make improvements to my fire pit area, buy some outdoor furniture, the car needs a brake job...
But I don't dare spend any of my savings, with the bar being up in the air.

We still have yet to hear from Charlie on our offer. He has had our proposal for a week and a half now, and still no answer and no counter offer. And he has yet to post the notice of public auction yet as well, even though he could have posted it since July 9th. I have to assume he hasn't posted the notice yet because he is considering our offer. At least, I hope that is why. We all wait on pins and needles. A few of us, including myself, with our lives hanging in the balance.

I continue to consider the possibility of getting a dog. Many of you saw on facebook that I had a doggy visit last week with a friend's dog. She was so sweet and easy. But so big and drooly and sheddy. Lol... And I wonder, if the bar closes.. How would I afford to feed her??? How would I afford any dog, let alone, one that big? Part of me thinks I would be better off with a small dog. One that eats less, poops smaller, a non-shedder would be nice, one who's easier to travel with... One like Pixie, the one I got when I first moved in with Mom. She ended up staying with Mom when I moved to the lake. She was/is a sweet little dog. Maybe I'll start stealing her from Mom on occasion. Mom said I could.
I just don't know. Maybe I'm just not ready yet in general. Sometimes I feel like I can hardly take care of myself. Although, I bought a bunch of dog stuff (dishes, toys, chews) while I was shopping yesterday, and I don't even have a dog. What the hell... Who knows.

I had better go get ready for work.
Be well.