.png)
Every time I talk to my shrink (I use that term with fondness), she says- "Have you written lately?" I sheepishly shake my head, and I realize that my answer is almost always the same. "No, and you know what- when I woke up this morning, I intended to! But then I sat at my computer and scrolled Facebook, Zillow, Indeed..."
I feel like I am most lucid in the first moments of waking.
I lay in bed organizing and analyzing my dreams. Then I emotionally wrestle all of the things that plague me, as they are usually in the forefront of my mind when my eyes open. I swing my legs over the side of the bed, push the dog out of the way while trying to find my slippers in the dark (because I'm always up before sunrise), and I say out loud- I'm going to write.
I do the morning zombie shuffle to the Keurig (not simply out of fatigue, but because I'm old and stiff), letting the dogs outside along the way. I set the coffee pod and rummage around the dishwasher for a mug (because I'm usually too lazy to put clean dishes away). I visit the bathroom, get the dogs back inside, and add far too much cream and sugar to my cup. I stand there for a second, close my eyes, take in the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. And then zombie shuffle to my desk.
The morning ritual only takes about ten minutes.
And by the time I sit at my computer, the notion to write is gone.
And although it is a routine, it wasn't until today that I thought- this serves as a small representative of all things in my life- everything is fleeting.
Relationships, addresses/homes, jobs, hobbies... Why is it that I stay at/with nothing long-term? I mean, I guess it depends on what your definition of long-term is...
After all, I've lived at my current address for seven years. It's the longest I've lived anywhere. And of course, I'm blaming my increasingly overwhelming gypsy tendencies on the 7-year itch. If that's even a real thing.
I've been in my current relationship for about a year. Ironically, it seems to be just a shorter replay of our relationship several years ago, which lasted about 4 years.
I couldn't tell you how many relationships I've been in over the last 30 years. I couldn't possibly count (or remember) them all.
I've been at my "new" job for about 2 years. The longest position I've ever held was as a bartender (and bar manager). I did that for nearly 20 years (while also holding other miscellaneous jobs). But even then, it was at a few different establishments.
Performing/music... has been a constant? I suppose, if you don't consider that it's been with multiple acts/bands over the years.
I have enough college credits for a Bachelor's and a Half. Yet, no degrees.
And it's taken me over three hours to get this far in today's writing. Constantly flitting back and forth between websites, texting mom and Logan, checking email, working a little (very little), making more coffee, wandering the house looking at all that needs to be done...
Yes, I take medication for that. When I remember.
My shrink and I discussed a lot of this at my last appointment (it's actually a recurring conversation). She commended me for recognizing these things and being self-aware, etc. etc. etc... And although I appreciate her encouragement, I said- "But I've always recognized these behaviors, these patterns, I've just never learned how to change them.
How to just be. How to prevent stagnancy in a relationship, a job, a home... in life.
How to stop seeking out change. She used the word "excitement," I used the word "chaos." We agreed they are interchangeable terms.
I've always said, with a sense of distaste, that the only constant in life is change.
Ironic, considering I'm always wishing for it.