After decades of countless relationships, life once again reminds me that my stoicism has played a part in the demise of almost all of them.
And my neediness.
But that's another blog.
My serious nature, my reserved character, my quiet constitution, my stolid appearance.
My resting bitch face, if you will.
All of which, constantly, historically, mistaken for unhappiness.
And no one likes to hang around an unhappy person, right?
Unhappiness makes people uncomfortable.
And what do people usually do in uncomfortable situations?
Fight or flight.
Most times, flight.
But, I'm not unhappy.
I'm just stoic.
I try to explain- I'm not unhappy, I'm not angry, I'm not sad.
Well, okay, sometimes, often times, I am sad. But that's also another blog...
I digress.
I suppose they grow weary of asking-
Why are you in such a bad mood?
Why can't you loosen up?
Why don't you smile more often?
Why aren't you having a good time?
What's the matter?
Why are you unhappy?
And not hearing answers that that make them stop asking.
That make them understand.
No matter how I try.
I am not convincing.
And so I try, every time, to change.
"And you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams"
But it never works.
I can compromise, sacrifice, adjust, make concessions.
But I cannot change how I am wired.
And so the cycle continues.
And I keep trying to explain, to another love lost in the making.
My explanation, flimsy.
My illustration, suspect
My debate, doubtful.
My words don't convey.
I can't force smiles and laughter. I'm not believable.
And inside I'm screaming-
I'm not sad or angry!
I am comfortable, content, I am okay!
Hear me!
I am happy!
I am just stoic!
I love you... Please don't leave
But historically, they always do.
Because, I must be unhappy.
And that makes people uncomfortable.
Fight or flight.
Most times, flight.
"Then the men we try to love,
say we carry too much loss,
wear too much black,
are too heavy to be around,
much too sad to love.
Then they leave,
and we mourn them too."
Quotes from Warson Shire