Someone close to me recently said "What does your 'worth it scale' look like?"
I paused... I thought about it... I had never heard it put that way before.
And yet, it made perfect sense.
In that particular instance, it was in reference to a relationship. What does your worth it scale look like? Is it still worth it?
And although it fits perfectly with that particular scenario, it can really be applied to just about anything in your life.
Do you dislike your job? Does it cause you stress? Maybe it makes you crazy every day.
Or maybe it negatively affects your personal relationships. Maybe it becomes the (erroneous) priority of your life.
But maybe it pays really well. Or maybe it makes you feel important, special.
Is it worth it?
What does your worth it scale look like?
That age old friend, who doesn't talk to you now unless they need something. Who rarely makes contact. Who you loved and cherished and have known for decades, but hardly speak to. What of that friendship?
Is it still worth it?
The sacrifices you've made, the personal happiness you've violently shoved aside for your Entire. Life. For the sake of your children.
Was it worth it?
What about the decisions you have made? The things you've parted with, or given away, or sold. The things you've accumulated. That new car you bought. The career change you made. That home or that city you moved from, or to.
Were they worth it?
And what about the actions you take? Your habits, your addictions, your behaviors. And what about the consequences that they bring?
Are they worth it?
And that relationship you ended. The one that meant something to you, but didn't quite mean enough. Or the other relationships you've ended, for that matter. The countless endings you've initiated.
Were they worth it?
Or what about the relationship(s) that ended, but not by your choice? What of the relationships that you were happy in, comfortable with, but ultimately were responsible for the demise of? What if you didn't bend, give, compromise? What if you weren't selfless, committed, devoted enough? What if you only loved half-heartedly? What if you simply didn't try hard enough?
Was that worth it?
You love again and again, seemingly always under not-so-perfect circumstances. Love that brings you tears, but butterflies. Strife, but peace. Heartache, but joy. Strong enough that the the adversity, the conflict, the constant hot and cold, all seem to fade away. Yet, always come back around.
Love that is strong enough to make you look the other way when you are disrespected, neglected, or compromising your principles. Love that makes you feel like you give more than you receive, but that you cannot let go of, cannot live without.
Is it worth it?
What about waking up every day? Crawling out of bed, looking into the light of the new day, knowing that it will only be just like the last, and just like the next. Get up, keep walking, talking, eating, breathing.
Is it worth it?
What does your worth it scale look like?
It seems I have never perfected the concept of the worth it scale.
Ever.
Because, as is often the case, I sit here tonight, feeling completely alone, drinking when I'm not a drinker, chain smoking, listening to music that only intensifies my already despondent mood.
Wishing for someone to save me, since I cannot save myself.
Wishing for a different life.
Wishing I knew what my fucking worth it scale looked like.
Wishing for a time, for a circumstance, for a love, for a life, where the worth it scale doesn't apply. Where it doesn't even exist.