Serenity, Cycles, and the Irony of the Universe

I've been on "staycation" on the ocean for a couple days now, seeking peace of mind, clarity, serenity. I've done nothing but stare at the ocean, hang out with my dog, drink coffee and sangria, read, and listen to music. Which sounds delightful, right? Which, one would think, would directly lead to those mental destinations.
But, it hasn't.

In fact, I think that the music, the sound of the ocean, its immensity and presence, the solitude, have done nothing but exacerbate my emotional imbalance. Like it prompted a purge, of sorts. Because I've certainly done my fair share of crying and cursing the universe these last two days and nights.

Mother tells me it has a lot to do with the time of year. This month. Father's day and the anniversary of my dad's death, back to back. And I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. But that's not all of it.

Emotional purging... which is as ugly as it sounds, and requires you to face the ocean and not the shore, where all the people are.

Maybe that's why I'm here. Not because I needed to get away, relax and rejuvenate, reconnect with myself, blah blah blah friggin blah. But to emotionally purge. To examine the many years of my life, my experiences, mistakes, contemplate and analyze all my past and present hurts.
I'd rather not believe that, because it doesn't seem very productive. All in all, it hasn't been terribly pleasant. It hasn't felt therapeutic. And it's certainly not the staycation effect I had in mind.

Mother texted me this morning... Do you need me to come down? I'm worried about you.
I told her I was alright, no more melancholy than I usually am. Which is mostly true.
Besides, no offense, Ma, but you weren't necessarily the kind of company I had envisioned.
Much like this staycation hasn't been what I envisioned.

(Which happens to be much like the story of my life... Not as I had envisioned)

Yeah, yeah, I know. Stop wallowing. Enjoy the time with your dog. Enjoy the time to yourself. Enjoy the water that you love so much. Be grateful. Stay positive. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
If only all that advice was as easy to put into practice as most folks think it is.
It just isn't. Chalk it up to the bipolar or the major depressive disorder, or to just because it's how I am wired. I can't. I'm just not that person.

And maybe that's ultimately why I have three ex-husbands, a handful of ex-boyfriends, and am currently staycationing alone with my dog. Because I am not that person.

And maybe it's not all me. Not maybe. I know for a fact it's not all me (I mean, come on now, I am a ray of fucking sunshine). It's at very least a little bit (and probably a lot more than a little) because some (most) people just can't, no wait, just don't want to deal with it.

Most people want rainbows and butterflies. They want easy and uncomplicated. They want effortless. They are discomforted by discomfort. They have an aversion to seriousness. They are dissuaded by anything that requires patience, understanding, and emotive exertion. They don't want to have to try too hard.
Sometimes (a lot of the time), I envy those people. How safe and convenient and emotionally balanced it must be to care so little for so much.

But wait, that's not all. Because, how viciously ironic it is that the universe would design me this way, and then, throughout my entire fucking life, put those kinds of people in front of me! Continuously. Historically. Repetitively.

And wait, it gets even better! As if it's not enough that I am wired this way, and that these are the kinds of people who cross my path... Because guess what else!? I end up falling head over heels for these same people!
For real?!?

Oh wait, I'm still not done yet. I know, right?! Stay with me here.
Because in addition to the universe designing me with a slightly higher than average level of intensity and perplexity, and then putting people in my path who lack the intestinal fortitude and stick-to-it-iveness for it, and then allowing or arranging for me to deeply love those very same people...
The universe goes even one step further by also fashioning me with a hopelessly romantic, fantastical, Disney-edge hope for, not just a hope for, but a longing for, a compatible mate, the kind of love that will last me a lifetime, the kind of heart that will match mine.
Which causes me to Keep. On. Trying.
What. The actual. Fuck.

"I found love where it wasn't supposed to be..."

And so, the cycle repeats, and repeats, and repeats.
And every time, or almost every time, so many damn times, I think it has stopped. That the cycle is over.
And then, eventually, it becomes evident that it hasn't. For one reason or another, for a multitude of reasons, for all the reasons above, the cycle begins again. Again, and again, and again.

And this goes along well with one of my past blogs, in which I was considering, questioning, how and why it is that I have loved as many times as I have. And still, I have absolutely no idea. It really is unusual.

And let me try to convey this again- I am NOT uncomfortable being alone. I have spent a great deal of time alone over the years.
And although I am perfectly okay with being alone, I do not consider it empowering, liberating, or enjoyable. Is it tolerable? Yes. Acceptable? I suppose. But it's not ideal.

"Life is so much more enjoyable when you are sharing it with someone you love."
I read that somewhere while scrolling Facebook today. That sums it up nicely.

Mom and dad used to look for heart shaped rocks every time they went to the coast.
Before I left she of course said- keep an eye out for heart shaped rocks!
This morning while I was having coffee on the beach, I walked through the water and all along the shore, looking. After a full cup of coffee, I sat back down on my beach mat, feeling a little more despondent than when I started that cup. My coffee gone, the tide coming in, and no heart shaped rocks in site, I decided to roll up my mat and head back to the porch.
I looked to the right to grab my flip flops, and of course, there lay a heart shape rock.
Right next to me, the whole time.
Of course it was.
And moments later, just like that, my heart broke. How apropos.

But you know what I'm gonna do? You guessed it. Go right back out on that beach and look for more heart shaped rocks.

Because. The cycle.