You Are Not Difficult to Love; You Are Exceptional

I’ve been asked an awful lot lately why a woman like me is still single. We’ve all been asked that complimentary question at one time or another, right?
I’ve also been asked why I have three ex-husbands.

If you survey some of the men I’ve loved in my life, their answer might be that it’s because I am one or more (or all) of the bullshit things I’m about to talk about. 

But the real answer is:  Because I am exceptional.

But I didn’t always know that.

You see, for a long time I believed all these scapegoats that men used to excuse themselves from commitment. They were convincing, and I was alone, so they must be right. Right? I was too intense, too difficult, too sensitive, too stoic, too much or too little of this or of that. Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, their voices sneak back into my thoughts. But I swat them away like fruit flies around a beer tap.

So, let’s address these voices. All the lies men tell and aspersions they cast in order to feel unchallenged, masculine, powerful. To quell and conceal the discomfort and trepidation they feel when in the presence of an exceptional woman.

You think too much

If I had a nickel for every time I have heard this, or even just a penny, I would be a very rich exceptional woman indeed. Yes, I think. All the time. My brain is like a cute little gerbil running endlessly on a rodent wheel. You know why? Because I am intelligent. And more than that. Creative, intuitive, insightful, perceptive, astute, inquisitive.

Brilliant minds never stop moving. We “think too much.” And that is a blessing, not a curse. I would always choose to be an intellect over a flighty, boring, spiritless, dimwitted airhead.

I’m not quite as complicated as a chess game. But if Chutes and Ladders is more your speed, then we are definitely not on the same playing level.

You are oversensitive

I have feelings. That makes me oversensitive? Huh. I thought it made me human.

I’ve recently joined a couple of dating sites, and I’ve discovered that the majority of men’s profiles mention the same thing within their first few sentences. Almost all of them talk about how brutally honest they are, or how sarcastic they can be, or how they like to joke around… And that you wouldn’t be a match if you didn’t have thick skin, or if your feelings are hurt easily. For REAL?! They’re outright chastising and dismissing a woman for her feelings before they’ve even MET her! Where is that slapping forehead emoji…

We have feelings. We are sensitive. It’s how we’re wired. 

And you should be grateful for that, instead of complaintive. Because I’m fairly certain we are wired with a magnitude of feelings and sensitivity so that we can still love you despite all this BS.

You are too serious/You need to lighten up

Often accompanying these statements is “you should smile more often.” I hear this shit- All. The. Time. Probably thousands. Tens of thousands.

You know what? This is my face. I’m okay with it. So should you be.

And you know what else? I have never ONCE heard a man tell his guy buddies- “Hey dude, you should smile more often.”

Why do we need to lighten up? Smile more often? Stop being so serious? Because most men need constant entertainment. Solemnity and stoicism make them uncomfortable. When things get intense, they get awkward.

I will never be a court jester. And I will never be that girl who’s doing shots and yelling “Woohoo!” at the top of her lungs while dancing on the bar (okay, maybe 20 years ago). But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have fun. I have a lot of fun, I am silly, and I laugh and smile, when I am inspired to. But I don’t fake fun. 

If I am in your company and I’m not doing any of those things, perhaps it’s more your problem than mine.

You are too needy

I have needs. Everyone has needs, men and women alike. So, why does that make women needy? I’ve finally figured that out.

When a man discovers that he’s not meeting a woman’s needs, either because he can’t, or doesn’t want to (and it’s usually the latter), he blames her. This is classic reverse psychology, gaslighting, blame shifting.

It’s also narcissistic. So, if a man tells you that you are too needy; run.

You are difficult (to love)

And here we land, at the culmination of all these things that make us difficult. Difficult in general, and difficult to love. And I don’t have to tell you again how each of them, and this one, are complete bullshit.

When men say any of these things to us, it comes from a place of insecurity, self-doubt, and indecision. They aren’t giving us advice or recommendations, and they certainly aren’t offering relationship solutions. 

They want us to change our behavior to make up for what they are lacking, and for the effort they are unwilling to make.

We are exceptional

I’m not a simple woman. But who the hell would want to be?? As Shrek would say- I’m like an onion, and onions have layers! And halleluiah for that! Because, simple = boring.

I am intense. I feel exceedingly and I think even more. I am outspoken. I am stubborn, proud, critical, stoic, particular, sensitive. But I’m also funny, creative, talented, loyal, attractive, brave, independent, passionate. I am unique.

And all of these things make me extraordinary. I am exceptional. And so are you.

And men are intimidated by exceptional women.