Coffee at 9:30 pm. Why not, I can't sleep anyway. So I may as well be doing something I enjoy. Drinking coffee. Me drinking coffee is one thing that never changes. It's the only thing I've found, in fact, that doesn't change. Because everything else, changes.

The more you try and hold onto it, whatever "it" may be, the more it changes.
It. All. Changes.
I remember saying once, a time ago- The only constant is change.
The only constant, is change.

Your kids change.
They learn and develop and grow... or at least you hope they do. You hope you've raised them well and right. You hope you've filled them with compassion and wisdom and decency.
And then they grow away from you.
Sometimes they come back. They do laundry every weekend, come to weekly family dinners, call and text daily.
And sometimes they don't. You were too strict, you were too demanding. Instead of seeing all you've done for them, how much you've sacrificed, how you've loved them, they see only what they want to see.
They change.

Relationships change.
Sometimes for the better, sometimes the worse. Everyone says it takes two, it takes consistent effort, it takes work, it takes this and that, and that and this, and a partridge in a pear tree... And yet, with all of it, they still change.
Ironically, even when stagnant, they change.

Other relationships change, too.
Friends get married, have kids, move away. Even best of friends grow apart.
Family ties loosen, unravel. Cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings, mothers and fathers; estranged.
And ultimately, even more painfully, they leave this place altogether.

Jobs change. And Jeezus, don't I know how they change. One day, it can be just up and gone. And you go searching and try to find it somewhere else. And it feels familiar, it feels almost enjoyable. You're doing what you love. Or what you thought you loved. And then one day you realize, you just don't love it anymore. In fact, you can hardly tolerate it. It's changed.

Cities, states, houses. The place you call home, changes.
Just when you think you have found your spot, your space, the place you're meant to be. Life happens. It changes. And then you become settled. And again, life happens. And it changes. Played on repeat. Or maybe you finally decide this place just isn't for you. You've spent enough time in it, trying to make people happy, trying to love, trying to find your niche. And yet it has nothing for you anymore. And it changes.

And from the tv in the living room I hear...

Why are there so many
songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side? ...

... Someday we'll find it
 the rainbow connection
 the lovers, the dreamers, and me

Oh, Kermit. Thanks for making me cry (again) tonight.
Or maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was the growing away.

The growing away

It happens a little each day
So subtle, so unremarkable
But right in front of you
Ever happening
Ever changing

Pathways and directions 
forks in the road
Choices and decisions
Bits and pieces fall away
Turned to new and different things
Time passing

Years go by
And you finally see
As if waking from a dream
Familiar things replaced
New faces, new places, new spaces
Nothing as it was

The mirror shows your age
Wrinkled and gray
Husbands, wives, friends replaced
Siblings out of touch
Children transformed into adults
Loved ones gone beyond

It happened so slowly
Yet seemed so sudden
Saddened by alterations
too late you learn
You weren’t ready
For the growing away