Merry Christmas eve morning... 4:30am can suck it!

Wow, it's been since the first of October that I've written. What's up with that? I can remember when I wouldn't go a week without writing. Now, not so much. As usual, it's not as if there's nothing to write about. And as I always say- there's always fodder. There just isn't always ambition anymore. 
But, it's Christmas. It seems I should write.

I get so excited every year for Christmas. SO excited. I love to spoil my kids. I go WAY overboard. I do it every damn year. It's an affliction, a disease, actually! If I admitted to the amount of new credit card accounts I've opened in the last two months, you all would be ashamed of me (Manic, much? Ummm, probably). But, but, but... I have rationalized it all! I'm keeping (kind of) low balances on each one, and will pay almost all of them off (and close out two or three) at tax time.
Ok, I know. Shame on me. Ooops. 

I see all these facebook posts about how Christmas isn't about presents... And yes, I agree. It's about the spirit, it's about the birth of Christ (if that's your kind of thing), it's about family, it's about counting our blessings,  etc, etc, etc... But guess what- it's about the presents too! Hehehehe.   :)  And no amount of shaming will change my mind. My kiddos are good humans. They already know what Christmas means. I don't have to withhold presents to "teach them the spirit of Christmas". As long as I am alive and able to, I will shower them with presents every damn Christmas! So there!  :)

One of the best presents this year was the Travis Scott concert that I surprised Dawson with. It really was, surprisingly, probably the most amazing concert I've been to. And it was the happiest I've EVER seen that boy. And he so needed and deserved it. He asked to go again for this next leg of the tour. I told him if he paid for the tickets, I'd take him. And so this time the gift came from his dad. And in March, we see him again in Hartford CT. I will be going down and staying the night with three teen boys! Pray for me!


Unfortunately, after the holiday is over, I will suffer the infamous "Christmas Crash". It comes every year. Depressed, fatigued, dejected, angry, withdrawn, sad. Oh well. At least I know it's coming, and I can prepare. Or, try to.

Christmas is exciting, yet also melancholy. I miss my Dad. I miss Doreen. Dawson and his dad's side of the family miss Jayden. It's so sad to celebrate without them. And yet, somehow we do it. We carry on, during the holidays, and every day. But it just isn't the same.

And then I think about my mom. Losing Dad and Doreen was hard enough. But what happens when I lose my mom? I can't think about it, yet I can't help but to think about it. As she gets older (and probably her birthday yesterday exacerbates my anxiety), I worry about it every day. I don't ever want to live without her, and yet, I know someday I will have to. Even writing about the inevitable has me in tears. I wish our loved ones could live forever, or at least, as long as we do.
Ok, I have to change topic before I turn into an absolute blubbering mess.

So, I count my blessings, because, hey- it's that time of year, right?

I am so blessed to have my mom. Not just that she's still here, but because she is the person that she is. I know we are all biased, and we all think we have the most wonderful parent(s) in the world. But if you know my mom, you know how very exceptional she is. All that she does for those she loves, and all that she does for those she doesn't even know.... Volunteering at the food cupboard every week, feeding the homeless on the waterfront every week, walking the streets downtown late at night on the weekends in her street ministry, all of her time and all of the things she donates, to various churches and organizations. All that she has done for me, for my children, for my sister and her children, for Nana, all that she did for Dad, even when he was impossible to live with or even tolerate...
I imagine that, if there is a God, he is anxiously awaiting her to come and join his ranks of angels. And she'll probably instantly get promoted to Head Angel, or something like that, as I imagine it.

And I am so blessed with my children. I don't even know where to begin, or how I would possibly express it. They both make me so proud, every day, and fill me with an indescribable amount of joy.
Logan is accomplished, brilliant, sweet, kind, responsible, loving. She has grown into an amazing young woman. Dawson, as much as he may try my patience, is such a good boy. He is so strong and resilient; he has been through so much in his young life, and keeps pushing through. And he's so sweet. He has much of his Nana (Doreen) and my mom in him. His English teacher wrote to me a month or so ago, and told me about an experience she had with him one afternoon...
"I also wanted to give you some positive praise too, because I know Dawson wouldn't brag about this, but I was very impressed with his compassion today. There was a younger student with him in class who is unfamiliar with this school, and had no food and was hungry. Dawson went to our school's food pantry and brought him back some snacks to eat, and to take home. He was so kind to this other student who was struggling and it truly warmed my heart. Dawson may be struggling with his grades, but I am always impressed by how genuinely kind and caring he ALWAYS is. I think he deserves a little recognition for that!"
I am fortunate to still have my Nana. 87 years young! I know our time is limited with her now, but we are lucky that we have it. And Mom was good enough to move her in, so she will be cared for and close to us now. Although, those two living together is going to be interesting to watch! 

I am fortunate to have the jobs that I do. Jester's is much like being back at The Brookside. I see many of my regular Brookside customers, and I have reacquainted with my Jester's regulars that I knew when I worked there several years ago. And the Sheraton once a week is just enough to keep things new and different; meeting people from all over the world, and hearing their stories. This business might not come with the perks of health insurance, 401k, etc, but I am lucky that I make a very good living, and am doing what I enjoy.

And, as much as I miss renting at the lake (so very, very badly, and would probably go back if given the right opportunity), I am fortunate that I have my home. As modest as it may be, it is mine. Or, will be in another few years.

And yet, with all of the blessings I have, I still feel, and may always, that I am somehow not living and experiencing my life to it's fullest.

I should have more friends (or, at least have a closer relationship with the one or two that I have). I should have traveled. I should volunteer, for something, anything. I should live on the water. I should be singing. I should go to NYC in January for the open auditions for "The Voice". I should experience an all-consuming, Disney-esque kind of love (if that sort of thing actually exists, which, I doubt). I should have finished my (multiple) degrees. I should get a "real job" with benefits. I should have written that book I always wanted to. I should have, could have....
I should have realized this life's potential.

And you're all saying to me- it's not too late. 
And I suppose, I may think that as well. Maybe. 
But the older I get, and the more time passes that I stay stuck in mediocrity, the more impossible it feels to change any of it.
And so, I will probably just continue to count the blessings that I do have, try not to focus on all the sad and tragic things in this world, and hope to find fulfillment in an unremarkable life. 

Merry Christmas.