Well, that last blog, nearly a month ago, was a downer, now wasn't it? Things haven't changed a whole lot. It's still a bit difficult to stay positive.

For the first time in my life, I have to pay in to the IRS. What the hell. And it's not a tiny amount.
God damnit.

Still working part time waiting tables, and still not in love with it, to say the least. Not getting enough hours (although I'd probably hate it if I were). Still not making enough money, although tips do seem to be getting a little better. But it's still not enough. It's "cliquey" there. I don't know of any of them that I relate to, or would (cough, gasp) trust, or really even befriend. I don't feel like I belong there. I show up, do my job, go home. Part of my frustration also lies with the empty promises... That I'd be full time, or at very least, 30 hours to start (I'm working 20-25). That I'd be bartending most of the events (I haven't done one yet, and there have been lots of them). I'm still trying to figure out if I should start another part-time job on top of this one (if I could find a day time part time job around this one). Knowing that at some point (hopefully sooner than later) I'd have to quit anyway, because I'm ideally looking for a full time job. If I could find a full time job.

I did get an offer from Petco for the grooming apprentice program. I turned it down. After much thought, I couldn't picture myself being happy washing dogs all day, being covered in dog hair, and nails, and ear goo, and anal gland goo, and cleaning up after dogs all day, and so on. It's a physical job that is harder than it looks. I don't think the gross, physical, difficult parts would outweigh the being around dogs part. And why jump into a career if I'm not sure I'd even like it? It would have been a really big commitment for something that I just wasn't sure I'd enjoy.

I've applied for a several others, with no results. One cool job, a marquee host at the casino. No word yet. I submitted my resume to a veterinary clinic who is hiring a "client services specialist" (fancy term for front desk person). I'd really, really like to get that job. That was five days ago. No call for an interview yet. I've submitted my resume to a few different law offices who were hiring receptionists. One even said they'd train the right candidate. Over the last few months, I've probably applied for 20 different office type positions. And no calls. I've got 16 years of bartending on my resume. I studied secretarial science at Beal (17 years ago, but didn't get a degree, almost, but not quite), and worked in an office "pre-resume years" ago. No matter how well versed I am, hard working, experienced with computers, or experienced in management I may be, who wants to hire a veteran bartender to work in an office? Sigh.

Speaking of bartending... I applied for several bartending jobs over the last couple months. These were places that were actually running ads for openings... Margarita's, Olive Garden, Longhorn, Ruby Tuesday, Ramada, Ground Round, Applebee's, Chili's, Bangor Beer Co/Oriental Jade, Four Points (at the airport), just to name a few. I got "thank you, but" emails from most of the corporate franchises without so much as a phone call first, and no response at all from the rest. HOW CAN THAT BE POSSIBLE?? I HAVE 16 YEARS EXPERIENCE (INCLUDING MANAGEMENT) IN THIS INDUSTRY!!
I don't understand. So. Fucking. Frustrating.

There's always still Wayfair. The call center job that pays great and has great benefits, that I'm sure I'd hate. Firstly, I'm pretty sure I'd be miserable. Secondly, and this has only been a recent train of thought... What if I do stick with it for a while, and hate it and want to get done, or what if they close down, or layoff, and I need/want to look for another job- then I have gained no more valuable experience to make myself more employable than I am right now. Time has gone by, and I have only gained more "customer service" experience (which I already have 20+ years of), and call center experience. I end up being no more marketable than I am right now.

I could always try to make ends meet on this job, and go back to school during the day. At least finish my associates in administrative assisting at Beal, so I'd be employable. I can't seem to find anything else I'm really interested in going to school for, nothing that wouldn't be a total waste of money. That administrative associates degree would be very practical. And although I don't relish the idea of being a desk worker, I could always look for a job at a business that I find interesting... a law office, or veterinary office, or a school, or something. But I hate the idea of borrowing more money. I looked at my loans the other day, and of all the times I've attempted school, I'm already $29,000 in debt in student loans. Holy. Shit. And no degree(s) to show for that. What an idiot I've been all these years.

And so, I don't know what to do. Keep applying to full time office jobs that I'll probably never get? Go work full time at some dead end retail job? Go try to make a career at a call center? Make a career out of waitressing? (Oh hell no) Suck it up and keep waitressing, and borrow more money to go finish my degree at Beal to hopefully become more marketable and get one of those office jobs?
Sigh. I don't know what to do. And so I just keep on keeping on. And stay stuck.

The boy spent the night last night. I was so tickled. I did have to bribe him, lol... It was in exchange for letting him order some stuff through microsoft for one of his xbox games. Hey, whatever works, right? I couldn't wait for him to come over. I was so happy to have him here. Even if he did primarily hang out in his room playing video games. I made him dinner, and visited him in his room. Chatted with him. And then it got about time to go to bed... He couldn't sleep. We tried benadryl. By midnight he still couldn't sleep. And he got upset. Said he was "homesick". I gave him a melatonin and tucked him in. He fell asleep shortly after. I lay awake crying for an hour... "Homesick".
He was overtired but otherwise fine and back to normal this morning.
I was hoping this might lead to more time, if he could remember it was nice to be around Mom, at Mom's house. If he could see that this was his home, too. But it certainly didn't seem to work out that way. I am so, so sad. I feel defeated. The most important thing in my life is continuously slipping further away from me, and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it.

At least there's the dog, right? Yeah, I did it again.
As if giving up the last foster (potential adoptee) wasn't difficult enough... You see, when I'm bored and drinking my coffee in the mornings, on the computer, I like to torture myself evidently, by going to petfinder.com and petango.com, and looking at all the dogs in the shelters. I do it every day, kind of like reading the morning paper.
And not that any one kind of dog is better or more deserving than any other, but I have always had a super soft spot for giant breeds (probably from raising great danes for ten years). And when I saw this mastiff listed at the Augusta humane society, I knew right away that I had to investigate. And so I called. Next thing I knew, I was driving down there, and then agreed to foster (again), with the potential to adopt (again).
You've all seen the updates on Facebook. He's got issues. He's one of the most nervous, anxious dogs I've met. He won't leave the driveway or the yard. He is hard to convince to get into the car (sometimes he refuses to go near it at all), and when he does get in, he refuses to get out. He is scared of everything and everyone. He growls at the cat, but then again, there are times when he lets her rub all against him, and even wags his tail while she's doing it. But most of all, he's just scared, of everything. His previous family reports he's always been this way. They described him as "skittish and moody and nervous around new people and new things". They gave him up because there was some fighting going on between him and one of their other dogs. He was not neutered, lived with three adults, two teenagers, a little girl, and three other dogs. No wonder he was anxious.
I'm afraid he'll never be the kind of dog that I can take walking along the waterfront, or into Petco, or out socializing. Which is a real bummer, because that's what I'd like to have in a dog. And given his breed and his size, he's a senior at age 5. So I'll have to be prepared for a short lived relationship. And he's stubborn as hell. But he is sweet. And he needs me. And at this point, I kinda need him. Oh hell, who am I kidding. Of course I need him.
He's so lazy. Sometimes I wonder if that's normal. I wonder if he's ok. Now that he's figured out that he can get up into my bed (albeit with a little struggle), that's where he prefers to spend most of his day. He comes out to lay near me off and on, but he likes my bed. He's sooooo lazy. If this keeps this up, he's going to weigh 200 pounds! And if he won't leave the damn driveway, how am I supposed to get him to walk it off?! He has really grown quite comfortable here in the last week, though. He has very closely bonded with me, and Phil, and even Dawson.
Now I just have to make it work. With scheduling, I'll have to figure out how to make it work. Whether I get a full time job, or a second job. Somehow, I'll just have to figure it out. And financially... I wasn't terribly practical in that aspect... he'll eat a ton, and he should have glucosamine supplements (which I have already bought), he could benefit from some anti-anxiety meds I think, and at his age and size his vet care will potentially be costly, at some point. Not real bright on my part. Not very practical or wise, financially. Shit.
I'll have to figure it out. Somehow.

I've probably blubbered enough for one day. I should go try to figure some shit out.
There is plenty of it for me to try to do.