Tuesday, January 30, 2018
It's not Sunday, my typical day for blogging, but I still feel like doing it, so on with it.
I said goodbye to my foster dog last week. I knew I couldn't keep her, as much as I wanted to. Right now I'm not making enough money to keep myself afloat, let alone feed/take care of a dog. I'm going to have to start working two jobs to survive, full time or part time, and then I'll have no time for a dog. I should have known better. I dropped her back at the SPCA, and cried all the way home. I wrote up a page about her for any prospective families, so they would know what kind of dog she was, her quirks, her good traits, what she needed help with. She's already found her forever home. I knew it wouldn't be long. I suppose I should be happy about that, but all I can do is worry... will they give her the love and home that I could have?
Still trudging along with this new waitressing gig, and still looking for something full time with benefits. I'm only getting about 25-ish hours a week, and still not killing it in tips. And the bills continue to pile up. And I still don't like it. And here I thought I would want this job over the others. I've learned my lesson there.
Funny, it seems that life, or the universe, or whatever, teaches you that sometimes... teaches you that what you thought you wanted, may actually be what you don't want. Sometimes you learn it after the fact, when it's too late. But sometimes, you learn it before hand, and you're able to circumvent a potentially unhappy situation.
Anyway, I digress...
I interviewed with Petco last week for their dog grooming apprentice program, where they pay you to be trained and then employ you full time in the salon. The interview went well, and I wouldn't be surprised if I got an offer (although, I've said that about a few jobs, and then didn't get an offer, so who knows!). I somehow think I would enjoy grooming. I love dogs. I have a creative flair that does require an outlet. And this seems like it would be a good opportunity for a career path, rather than just a job (but then again, I thought I would enjoy waitressing!). They would send me to Portland five days a week for twelve weeks for the training. They pay for the hotel and food. I hate being away from home, so that doesn't sound enticing. But temporary inconvenience all for the greater good, right? But then I started reading the packet about the job description... and I got to one part that might prevent me from becoming a groomer... "expression of anal glands"... It sounds gross enough, but google a video on it. Ugh! Oh my gawd, I almost barfed! Yes, I have a fairly weak stomach. So maybe my weak stomach is going to prevent me from pursuing a career in dog grooming. What a shame. If only it weren't for that one damn thing... Gross.
There's still always Wayfair; the customer call center. Where I think I would be fairly unhappy on a headset all day, stuck in between rows and rows of other people on headsets, yet I would make very good money, have potential for raises and promotions, and get excellent benefits. I'll tell you, it's becoming more and more attractive every single day. I actually took a look at their health benefits (that my recruiter emailed me last month), and they are amazing. I'd probably be a fool not to go for that job. Everyone I've ever talked to absolutely loves working there, they love the company, say how appreciated they feel, yadda, yadda, yadda. They hire every month, so I could put in for it again. I may have to. Maybe I should.
I miss my boy, as always. And I worry about him so much. He's struggling in school. He's depressed and angry. His attitude isn't the greatest. I do what I can, but with him not being here, I can't do much. I keep in close contact with his teachers and guidance counselor. I take him to all his doctor's appointments; and we've talked about anti-depressants, but that still remains up to him. He sees a counselor fairly regularly, but it hasn't seemed to help a whole lot. I wish there were more I could do for him. He's been through so much for such a young boy. Life can't be easy for him. I wish I could make it so. And as always, I wish he were with me. :(
Without him, life is pretty lonely. Because no matter how you look at it, I'm alone. It's just the way it is. Not that that's anything new, really. But I still haven't gotten used to it. I mean, I guess I've gotten used to it, I suppose. I've grown accustomed to an empty house, to being alone all the time with nothing but my thoughts or the cat or the television or facebook for company. I've probably gotten used to having things just my way, with no one else around here to mess things up. I talk to myself a lot, probably more than I should. I've gotten used to it. But I still don't like it. I'll never like it. I'll never find it enjoyable or fulfilling. In fact, there are times, often times, it makes me very, very sad. I can't believe that this is what life had in store for me, to be lived alone. At least, I certainly hope not.
And I still live with so much regret. And it seems that as life goes along, the more I regret. It's a poisonous thing, regret. It's not productive in any way. It doesn't serve a purpose. It's not like you can learn from it and do things differently because of it. Regret doesn't work that way. It's simply a painful reminder of the things you did, or didn't do, that you wish were different. That's all it is. Regret is not useful or advantageous whatsoever. It's a useless and hurtful emotion. And one that I could live without, please and thank you.
Well there, I've done enough reflecting for one day. Yuck. I should go watch some light hearted television show, or play mahjong, or read a book, or vacuum, or some other thing to keep me entertained until it's time to go to work. Oh dear, work. Ugh. I don't want to!!!
I recently read somewhere that in order to start feeling more positive, you should start replacing "I don't want to" with "I get to".
"I get to" go to work later.
"I get to" be a waitress.
"I get to" do my laundry.
"I get to" live alone.
It's not working.