Up at 4:30. Couldn't sleep. Too much to think about.
Today is the year anniversary of Jayden's death. One year ago today, that young man succumbed to his demons, at only 13 years old. My boy's step-brother, his best friend. They were inseparable... I'll never forget that day. The nightmare. I relive it often. My heart broke that day, for my boy, my boy's dad, for Jayden's mother, his sisters. For Jayden. Life changed that day, for so many people. I'll never understand how it can be so cruel. I relive that night with my boy often, too. The pain. The heartbreak. The trauma. What he went through is unimaginable. I hate life for giving it to him.
There is nothing that can take away this kind of pain for them. There are no words of comfort. Nothing will ever be the same. Life is cruel and unfair.
I dreamt of Jayden this morning. Of him and my boy. They were riding dirt bikes, doing stunts that made me cringe. I could see them both so clearly, dressed in their gear, riding in the pit. And I woke up crying. I wish it weren't a dream.
I also dreamt of the bar last night. I wish it had given me some glimpse of how the auction would go. In fact, people keep asking me- "Do you have any idea how it might go?" But there's just no way of telling what will happen. It has been posted in the public notice section of the paper. Who knows... 50 people could show up, or 5. We could have 2 bidders, or 20. Who knows if bidding will go high quickly, and far above what the bosses are willing to spend, or if it'll stay low, and we'll end up winning it. There's just no way to predict. And it's so fucking stressful.I continue to send out resumes, just in case. I've received one call so far, from Walmart. I applied for a department manager position there. It wouldn't be my first choice for employment, but I may end up in a position where I can't be picky.
Four days. Four days till auction.
The band is stressing me out a bit too. Something that is supposed to bring me joy... It always seems to become so much work. That's usually why these things fail. Of course it's work, much like a relationship is work. But when it's too much work, is when one begins to reconsider. It's not to that point yet, though. Christ, we haven't even gotten it up and running yet. It does seem like deja vu... Before it even takes off, it crumbles. Just like last time. It's so frustrating. Last time it was guitar player issues, this time it's a bass player issue. Our original bass player turned out to be a space cadet who isn't totally committed (as we are). We auditioned a couple over the last couple weeks, with no luck. We've got one more coming to audition (for a second time) this weekend. Then we have to decide on whether or not we take him or start advertising. So frustrating. Why can't these things just be easy!?!
I miss my son.
Sidenote, and not relative to anything, really... I realized something again this week that I kind of already knew. I don't really have any friends. I have two, I think. Becki, and Stacie. Those are lifelong friends. The kind you have had for decades, that you see once in a while, when you can, but are always still close to. But otherwise, I don't really have any friends. I know lots of people who would call themselves my friends. But I doubt they'd come to my aid if I needed something... like if I needed help moving (and I've moved a few times over the last two years). Or invite me to a gathering... I'm not included in those things, I don't get an invite. Or sit and listen to me if I needed a shoulder, instead of talking to me about themselves, or the weather, or politics, or work, or whatever else (maybe that's why I blog).
I would have lots of attendees at my funeral. Many would even weep. But I don't know how many of them would have actually been my friend.
Many would say that it's my own fault that I don't have friends. I'm too hard to get to know, I'm too hard to warm up, I don't socialize often enough, or attend if I actually do get an invite to something, I'm too closed off, or I'm just too much of an asshole, or something. Who knows. Maybe all of those things are true. Maybe people just don't like me. Or maybe they just don't take the time to get to know me, maybe it's just too much work. They have enough friends already.
Anyway... I guess it's ok. I guess I don't really need friends. Although, it does make me sad. Or maybe just envious. It's fine. It's really fine. Who needs friends, right?
Anyway, I have the cats.
And my cat still hates the kitten. And she hates pretty much everyone since the kitten has moved in. She's still so angry, that she's unpredictable and attacks us when we pet her. She still attacks the kitten if he gets too close to her. She hates being inside, she'd rather be outdoors all the time. I'm beginning to think it won't work itself out. But I'm still hoping it will. The kitten is really sweet and friendly. I really do hope she comes to accept him.
Maybe she's sad and lonely, and really wants a friend, but she's just hard to warm up to... She takes a long time to make friends with, to get to know... Maybe she just needs more time, and then they'll be best buddies, best friends for life.
Or maybe she was just fine without a friend.
Who friggin knows.