It's Sunday, so, coffee and blogging, right? Besides, Sundays are my hard days. It'll give me something to do, right? It'll give me a bit of therapy. It'll pass a little bit of today's time. Although, not nearly enough. There's still the rest of the day to get through. I'll have to figure out what to do with the rest of it.
Sigh.
Still missing the lake. I hate my facebook memories. Nearly every day is a photograph of the lake. I've learned to not look at them, but sometimes facebook starts your newsfeed with one.. "we thought you'd like to look at this memory from a year ago" bla bla bla... No fucking thank you, I really wouldn't like to.
I am still hoping my place's new tenants will suffer some kind of emergency and have to move back to Florida, or something. Just get out. I want my lakehouse back.
Sigh.
I want my son back, too. The kid that used to spend four nights a week at my house, for the last 13 years. That one, I want that kid back. I hardly see him still. And it fucking sucks. I still don't understand. And it still hurts so fucking much.
I post photos every day on the Brookside facebook page. I've saved photos to my phone over the last year or so (happy hour photos, TGIF photos, various bar memes, etc), so every time I want to post one, I unfortunately have to scroll through all the photos on my phone to find them. And so I have to leaf through all these pictures of the lake and my old house, and all these pictures of the boy when we used to hang out together, when he used to actually live with me.
I can't even look at any of them with fondness or happiness.
I keep thinking about getting a dog. I so miss having a dog in my life. I don't miss the dog hair, or having to let the dog out in the middle of the night, or rushing home after work to take care of the dog, or scooping dog crap out of the yard, or all that other stuff. But damnit, I do miss having a dog.
I should have just taken Kaya, the mastiff/lab that I was spending time with and posting pictures and videos of. She was pretty near perfect. But I just couldn't commit. And now she's gone with another family for her forever home. Sigh. I'm so concerned about what is going to happen with the bar. What if I lose my job? Will I be able to afford a dog? What if I have to get two jobs? Will I have time for a dog?
I suppose I need to wait and see what is happening with the Brook before I take that step.
Speaking of the brook... Still status quo, nothing new. We await the auction for the second mortgage (if it's still going to happen.. he hasn't advertised since his very first notice almost a month ago, and it has to be advertised for three consecutive weeks before the auction by law). Although now the bank is also foreclosing the first mortgage as well, so the situation has grown even more complicated. We really don't know what's going to happen. We'll wait to see what happens on the 31st, if there is still an auction for that second mortgage, and what happens there. Go from there. Wait and see. We still believe it's Charlie's intent to get the building. We still hope he won't be able to, and that we will. Wait and see.
Sigh.
And so, it seems I have lost or am in the process of losing everything that gives my life purpose or happiness. The lake, my son, and now probably my job.
And people wonder why I'm not a ray of fucking sunshine and super jolly to fucking be around.
I made the mistake of bringing the boy to my ex-husband's house this last week in an attempt to promote a relationship between them and his step-sister. He does miss them a lot, his step-father particularly, unfortunately. And unfortunately that only opened the door for confusion, for everyone. And hopes for the boy. I probably should have known better.
(Not that it matters, the ex never did make any attempts to maintain a relationship with the boy all those times we split. I don't know why we'd expect him to now.)
Today the boy stopped in and asked me what was going on. I told him I didn't know, but that basically he was doing what he always does (without specifically stating that that basically means inviting me to ride the emotional roller coaster again, but, the boy already knew that's what I meant). I also told him that no matter what, that doesn't mean that he can't continue to maintain a relationship with him. To which he replied- If he's going to mess with my mother's emotions, I don't need to.
He may not stay with me anymore, but I guess he still feels protective.
And, by the way, no, I'm not getting on the ride.
In the midst of all this bullshit in life, I did have a really nice weekend.
Work was really good this week, take out, nights spent in, my giant lawn was mowed (which to me means a lot) but I also actually went out; for real, no kidding! There's even video proof! Lol...
I went out Friday night with a few friends, and actually had a very, very good time. I got up with the band and sung. I needed that! I danced most of the night; I needed that too!
I also met a potential new band-mate. Yes, you read that right, a potential new band-mate. My old drummer has brought a couple guys to our attention. Really talented, serious guys, who want to get something going. And so, Bitter Grace (if I have any say in the name, Lol) may experience a resurrection. We shall see. I'll keep all my fans posted!
At one point Friday night, all us girls were out on the dance floor, and one of my friends noticed that I was all smiles. She brought it to my attention, and then I realized it too. I was literally smiling the whole time. She asked me what I was smiling about... In that moment, I didn't really know. But I recall quite specifically now, considering it. I was on the dance floor with a few girlfriends, dancing and listening to great music by one of my favorite local bands, looking across the bar and meeting eyes with a man who has been nothing but good to me for two and a half years (regardless of our circumstances or what I've thrown at him), and in that moment, I wasn't thinking about any of the shitty things going on in my life. In that moment, I was... happy.
Although in the moment all I could think of was- "maybe it's the meds!"
If only I could have bottled that feeling, to save it for moments like Sundays.
I need to weed whack and push mow a few spots, that should help eat up some of this day. I could walk down to the mailbox. I need to vacuum, but that doesn't take long. I could read my book, that usually helps these moments, if I can stay focused on it. I could scroll through the pages of Petfinder for the millionth time.
I need to do something, though. Get off this computer, out of this chair and get occupied, lest I fall victim to the Sunday blues.
Sigh.
Still missing the lake. I hate my facebook memories. Nearly every day is a photograph of the lake. I've learned to not look at them, but sometimes facebook starts your newsfeed with one.. "we thought you'd like to look at this memory from a year ago" bla bla bla... No fucking thank you, I really wouldn't like to.
I am still hoping my place's new tenants will suffer some kind of emergency and have to move back to Florida, or something. Just get out. I want my lakehouse back.
Sigh.
I want my son back, too. The kid that used to spend four nights a week at my house, for the last 13 years. That one, I want that kid back. I hardly see him still. And it fucking sucks. I still don't understand. And it still hurts so fucking much.
I post photos every day on the Brookside facebook page. I've saved photos to my phone over the last year or so (happy hour photos, TGIF photos, various bar memes, etc), so every time I want to post one, I unfortunately have to scroll through all the photos on my phone to find them. And so I have to leaf through all these pictures of the lake and my old house, and all these pictures of the boy when we used to hang out together, when he used to actually live with me.
I can't even look at any of them with fondness or happiness.
I keep thinking about getting a dog. I so miss having a dog in my life. I don't miss the dog hair, or having to let the dog out in the middle of the night, or rushing home after work to take care of the dog, or scooping dog crap out of the yard, or all that other stuff. But damnit, I do miss having a dog.
I should have just taken Kaya, the mastiff/lab that I was spending time with and posting pictures and videos of. She was pretty near perfect. But I just couldn't commit. And now she's gone with another family for her forever home. Sigh. I'm so concerned about what is going to happen with the bar. What if I lose my job? Will I be able to afford a dog? What if I have to get two jobs? Will I have time for a dog?
I suppose I need to wait and see what is happening with the Brook before I take that step.
Speaking of the brook... Still status quo, nothing new. We await the auction for the second mortgage (if it's still going to happen.. he hasn't advertised since his very first notice almost a month ago, and it has to be advertised for three consecutive weeks before the auction by law). Although now the bank is also foreclosing the first mortgage as well, so the situation has grown even more complicated. We really don't know what's going to happen. We'll wait to see what happens on the 31st, if there is still an auction for that second mortgage, and what happens there. Go from there. Wait and see. We still believe it's Charlie's intent to get the building. We still hope he won't be able to, and that we will. Wait and see.
Sigh.
And so, it seems I have lost or am in the process of losing everything that gives my life purpose or happiness. The lake, my son, and now probably my job.
And people wonder why I'm not a ray of fucking sunshine and super jolly to fucking be around.
I made the mistake of bringing the boy to my ex-husband's house this last week in an attempt to promote a relationship between them and his step-sister. He does miss them a lot, his step-father particularly, unfortunately. And unfortunately that only opened the door for confusion, for everyone. And hopes for the boy. I probably should have known better.
(Not that it matters, the ex never did make any attempts to maintain a relationship with the boy all those times we split. I don't know why we'd expect him to now.)
Today the boy stopped in and asked me what was going on. I told him I didn't know, but that basically he was doing what he always does (without specifically stating that that basically means inviting me to ride the emotional roller coaster again, but, the boy already knew that's what I meant). I also told him that no matter what, that doesn't mean that he can't continue to maintain a relationship with him. To which he replied- If he's going to mess with my mother's emotions, I don't need to.
He may not stay with me anymore, but I guess he still feels protective.
And, by the way, no, I'm not getting on the ride.
In the midst of all this bullshit in life, I did have a really nice weekend.
Work was really good this week, take out, nights spent in, my giant lawn was mowed (which to me means a lot) but I also actually went out; for real, no kidding! There's even video proof! Lol...
I went out Friday night with a few friends, and actually had a very, very good time. I got up with the band and sung. I needed that! I danced most of the night; I needed that too!
I also met a potential new band-mate. Yes, you read that right, a potential new band-mate. My old drummer has brought a couple guys to our attention. Really talented, serious guys, who want to get something going. And so, Bitter Grace (if I have any say in the name, Lol) may experience a resurrection. We shall see. I'll keep all my fans posted!
At one point Friday night, all us girls were out on the dance floor, and one of my friends noticed that I was all smiles. She brought it to my attention, and then I realized it too. I was literally smiling the whole time. She asked me what I was smiling about... In that moment, I didn't really know. But I recall quite specifically now, considering it. I was on the dance floor with a few girlfriends, dancing and listening to great music by one of my favorite local bands, looking across the bar and meeting eyes with a man who has been nothing but good to me for two and a half years (regardless of our circumstances or what I've thrown at him), and in that moment, I wasn't thinking about any of the shitty things going on in my life. In that moment, I was... happy.
Although in the moment all I could think of was- "maybe it's the meds!"
If only I could have bottled that feeling, to save it for moments like Sundays.
I need to weed whack and push mow a few spots, that should help eat up some of this day. I could walk down to the mailbox. I need to vacuum, but that doesn't take long. I could read my book, that usually helps these moments, if I can stay focused on it. I could scroll through the pages of Petfinder for the millionth time.
I need to do something, though. Get off this computer, out of this chair and get occupied, lest I fall victim to the Sunday blues.