It's been just under a month since I've written. Evidently I'm back to the trend of going weeks between blogs. It's certainly not for lack of fodder; there's ALWAYS interesting things/happenings to write about. It's just whether or not to write about them...

Let's begin.
(And this has taken me a half day to write, so it's going to be lengthy. Get comfortable.)

Things are, in general, ok around here. I wouldn't go so far as to say "life is good", but I'll call it tolerable. :) Dawson and I are in good health, we have a roof over our heads, we eat well, we have the necessities and some trivial extras. Life is, tolerable. :)

Living with Mom is a challenge at times, but for the most part we coexist successfully. I am particular about how things are around here, and she's used to that after living with father. In fact, there are often times she says to Dawson- Dzazdu is still with us... in your mother!
Although it is monetarily comfortable here, I still long for my "own place". I constantly reevaluate my financial situation, and try to figure out a way I could make it work. I always come up with the same answer... With several more shifts at work, or with a second (and possibly third job), I could do it. And so, what to do... Sacrifice my sanity, my time with Dawson, my relationship, my time for me.. in order for four walls of my own?
What to do, what to do...

Dawson has been adjusting well to the changes we've been through. He doesn't mind living with mom at all, he adores her. And he is happy being back in Glenburn. He seems to be coping a little better now with the "loss" of his step-father. He still talks about him. He still misses the things they'd do together. Even though there are times when he's still sad, he at least seems to be accepting things now. That being said, he would still jump at the chance to go golfing with him, or to the gym... Sad. 

I miss having Logan around, to my surprise. Her living at home was a constant point of contention for my ex-husband and I. Yes, it was stressful, and I was relieved to see her venture out on her own. But I do miss her so. She at least does visit here once a week. I mean, really, she needs to do laundry and eat a home-cooked meal. :) I worry about her constantly; she will always be my baby. But she is a little adult now. A beautiful, smart, driven young woman. It's so strange.

A brief mention about my job, simply because I am so happy where I am. It took a long time for me to feel settled there. And I may not be the youngest, prettiest, or favorite bartender there, but I am welcomed, at home, and I am happy. I am proud, and dedicated. And, I'm the boss. That's kinda cool too. ;)

Speaking of jobs... I have been thinking about the future (quite a lot, in many different aspects)... But specifically, job related. I can't tend bar forever.  So.. what do I do? I need to seriously consider what I will be doing to sustain for the rest of my working years. Lots of college credits, but no degrees. A little experience in a lot of different things, but not enough in one particular field to be generously employable. Should I go back to school? But how?? I barely passed the basic mathematics courses, and couldn't even finish Algebra 1. Numbers and letters stand in the way of obtaining a degree for me, it's just impossible. And, even if I could, for what? I have no idea what I would be happy doing for years. Nothing interests me enough. I would be happy tending bar for years, but that's not realistic. No one wants to look at (or employ) a 65 year old bartender. What the hell am I going to do??
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Sigh.

Lately, I yearn to be on the water. Not necessarily in a boat, I'm more of an "on the shore" kinda gal. I want to go stay on the water somewhere for a while. Or even better, live there. By a river, or a pond, or a lake, or the ocean. I care not the size of the water, so much as the essence of it.  Somewhere I can wake up every day and have my coffee while staring it, smelling it, listening to it, letting it bring me the peace and tranquility I so desperately and constantly seek.
Maybe that should be my future goal.

Speaking of the future...
This past weekend marked the finality of my divorce. On May 30th, the thirty-day appeals period expired, and I officially became a third-time divorcee. My third tour. A third star general. The third time, as it turns out, is not a charm.
And I jest, but it's all a facade.

There are so many things wrong with this, I don't even know where to begin.
Besides all the specifics associated with this last marriage (and there are layers upon layers of them...), the idea of being a divorcee, again, is quite upsetting, frustrating, unsettling. What have I done wrong all these times? Why do I have this cycle, this history? Am I THAT bad at relationships? Sigh.
This last one was supposed to be forever. The third time is a charm; it really was supposed to be. And quite often, it felt that would be true. My ex-husband and I were the closest to happiness, contentment, "true love" (if you will), I had ever felt. And yet, it was also a terrible, unhealthy, emotional roller coaster. So many times I should have walked away, and didn't. Or more appropriately, so many times he walked away, and I should have let him stay gone, and didn't. Until this last time, when we both kind of mutually walked away from it at the same time. It's true that perhaps this time around, it was more me than him. I threw in the towel first, gave up easier, lost the will to continue trying. That's perhaps the difference this time, from all the other times we should have let it go.
Now, that's not to say that I've been firm in my resolve through it all. Admittedly, I've had my weak moments. Responding to his emails, speaking with him on the phone, meeting him to talk... And there were times these last few months when I've had second thoughts. The good times, the fond memories, the connection we (intermittently) had, have all tempted me to reconsider.
These last few months have been very, very difficult. Painful. Although it certainly hasn't appeared that way, has it? I've been very public about my new relationship, and very private about my struggle. Why wouldn't I be? I was confused, sad, angry, elated and ecstatic, all at the same time. And on top of that, I was ashamed for feeling all of these things. Ashamed of being so seemingly happy in my new relationship, ashamed of the feelings I had developed for someone new, so soon. Ashamed for feeling so sad and conflicted about my divorce, ashamed of reconsidering. Ashamed of feeling lonely, codependent. Ashamed of not being happy by myself, or having the strength to be alone, as everyone said I should be.
Ashamed of being so... human.
But as it turns out, I am human.

So what have I learned from all this? Where do I stand now? What does my future hold? I'm still not quite sure. I don't have any firm answers. And I sincerely wish I did. The "not knowing" is one of the things in life that I have a terribly difficult time coping with. I'm not a "wait and see" or "go with the flow" kind of person. I need to know the answers, have to know them, or I go crazy, quite literally. Not knowing is a constant source of anxiety.

What I do know, is...
It's ok to be sad and angry and lonely. I lost something (someone) that was a huge part of my life. It's ok to miss the wonderful things that were associated with that.  I lost love, no matter how gray it was at times.
And just because others are more independent, and believe in taking time for oneself, and being alone, and all that other (sarcastic tone) "worldly advice", it's ok if I'm not that.  It's okay to want to be partnered. And someday, I will be again.

It's ok to be human. 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go tend to my homemade spaghetti sauce.
Me? Cooking? Gasp.
Yes, folks, miracles are possible.