Random thoughts over 5am coffee....

I hate cold weather. I mean, really, really, really, reeeeeeeeeally hate it.

I don't know if I can pull off singing hard rock. I mean, I like to listen to it, I just don't know if I can sing it.  I used to think- oh that stuff is right in my range.. no problem. Truth is, those male rockers scream and holler and half the time in an octave than I can’t handle. Crap. But, I'm gonna try like hell, and we'll see how silly it sounds. That is.. IF I can get these six tunes learned, by tomorrow night! ugh.. And then I wonder... Am I past my prime? Am I too old for this??
I’m super stressed about tomorrow night and the new band tryout. I’m trying them out, and they’re trying me out. I won’t know anyone there. It’s out of my comfort zone. It’s music that I’ not confident in.
Am I… (gasp)… nervous?
Part of me hopes that I won’t like them, or their skill level, or their personalities.. Part of me hopes that they plain suck, and I will just go on my merry way. Then there’s the other part of me that hopes that they are super awesome, and this kicks off something really cool.
And this is just another good example of how I over-think things before they even come to fruition.

I'm not accustomed to spousal refusal (a phrase we used to use in the car sales biz).. Either because I didn't have a spouse, or because, when I did, I ruled the house in perfect totalitarian fashion. What is this compromise stuff? It is still so foreign (and slightly uncomfortable). Perhaps that's why I'm on my third marriage.

It's the start of my work week (yes, I am fortunate that I only work a few days a week, for now). However, I've noticed that since I took on the managerial role, even when I am not at work, my mind is there. Every day. I am constantly thinking about what's happening there.. how are our sales today.. Should I order more liquor or stretch it out.. How's the kitchen doing.. Constantly strategizing ways to make the business better, more efficient, make more money for the bosses, etc, etc, etc... I stop by quite often even when I don’t need to be there... And I'm not saying that any of this is a bad thing, I am just noticing the difference.. I don't just show up for work anymore. I'm invested.

I also hate splinters.

When Dawson discovered my new playlist on Spotify, titled “Potential band”… He said (laughing)- “Mom, I didn’t think you even knew who “Royal Blood’ was!” I was like- “Of course I do, I’m totally cool like that!”
Truth be told, I didn’t know who they were. I only had their song in my playlist because it was one of the songs that the guys sent me to potentially learn. Turns out it’s pretty cool though. And now, so am I, evidently.

It must be the winter blues, or doldrums, or seasonal affective disorder, or whatever… But I have a longing. And I’m not even sure what for. But a longing, for something.
Maybe just more coffee.