I woke up this morning and realized- this is the week I run out of money.
I don't know why it hit me this morning, but it did. First thing after opening my eyes... Oh right, my car insurance is automatically deducted from my account on Monday... There's just enough in there for that. And then there will be nothing left but a couple of dollars...
And then I cried. And cried, and cried, and cried.
I will go to DHS on Monday, and finally ask for help. Something no person wants to do. The kids and I already qualify for Mainecare and food assistance. I know there are other programs for us as well. At least I hope there are. And I know they exist for situations like mine. But that doesn't make this pill any easier to swallow.
I've sent out so many resumes. I've had interviews. I still can't understand why finding employment is so difficult. Granted, I don't have a college degree, but I have a a lot of educational credits. I have a solid work history, and a pretty good skill set- Computer, sales, office, banking. I've got a damn good looking resume, savvy cover letters, and I'm an expert on interviewing. There is no reason why I have't gotten one of these jobs yet. It just doesn't make sense to me.
And unfortunately, added to all of that... I feel that my marriage is farther from reconciliation, rather than closer. After a month and a half of therapy, talking, figuring out, picking apart, and re-connecting, we are no closer to the "ultimate goal".
I don't know exactly what happened this past week, but something did. Something changed.
But then again, I guess the situation hasn't really changed at all. Maybe my perspective has.
As if being poor isn't bad enough, there's being poor and alone.
This is what rock bottom looks like.