Wednesday, December 7, 2011


A few days after writing that not-so-thankful Thanksgiving blog, I ended my relationship with Craig.
In that same moment, I gave in to my secret compulsion (which I had been fighting for weeks, even months), and made contact with Troy.
(Once again I find myself writing)- I’ll pause here and allow you all to gasp, cough, and choke.
Shake your heads. Form opinions. Pass judgments.

It’s ok. I would be doing the same if I were you.
Part of why I’ve been so quiet (at least with personal stuff, which I usually am pretty public about…), is because I’ve been concerned about the reaction.
And yet I have always claimed that I don’t give a shit what other people think.
How ironic.
Perhaps it’s because I know what I would think if I were watching someone in my shoes...
Why can’t that woman make up her mind? What is she doing to these men? What this must be doing to her children??
I would be thinking all those things. Forming opinions. Passing judgment.
So go ahead. 
Get out the guillotine.

If I took the time to try and explain it all, this blog would take 4 hours to read. Not to mention, no matter what I said, there will still be those who scratch their heads. Who can’t comprehend.
Hell, some of it I can’t even comprehend.
So I won’t bother.
But in case you’re wondering, the children are truly okay. They are sad (well, Dawson is) and confused, of course, but they are okay.
They were (of course) my biggest concern (aside from my own heartbreak).
I had the (second) painful conversation with them this past weekend.
I assured them that even as confusing as the last few months have been, the one constant in life is the three of us. Our family. We have each other.
Regardless of whom I choose to spend my time with, I want my children to know that they come first for me. Over any relationship. Or any other thing in existence.
And I apologized. For making the mistakes I’ve made the last few months… hell, the last few years. We all sat on my big bed and cried and cried. And hugged. And exchanged “I love you’s”.
I think they forgive me.

Dawson was my main obstacle. He absolutely loved Craig. However, he also loved Troy (which I may have assumed wasn’t the case). And he absolutely worshipped Kayli.
I allowed him a play-date with Kayli yesterday. Maybe I was trying to ease his pain of losing Craig (again). What surprised me was that he was equally as happy to see Troy as he was to see Kayli. He ran to him and hugged him. Troy kissed him on his head. It was a tearful reunion.
And when we parted, he said- “I can’t believe I got to see Troy again! That was AWESOME! Just AWESOME!”….
Last night on the way home from our play-date, he said “Mom, I want Troy to move back home”.
(Which, by the way, will not be happening. Are you kidding me? Come on, you didn’t actually think I’d so something like that after screwing everything up these last few months??). J
Anyway, it was just nice to hear that come from him.

And as far as Logan is concerned…
Well, when I broke the news to her this past weekend, it allowed her the opportunity to be completely frank with me about things. And she let me have it...
(By the way, none of the following came as any surprise to me… Logan has been very cold to me since the day I told her about my decision three months ago, and that has hurt very much)…

I learned of a private conversation that she had with Craig. The details of which I didn’t really get from him. Only bits and pieces. A conversation in which Logan directly asked him what his intentions were. Asked him if he “planned to stick around this time”.  Told him that they weren’t “buddies”.  That things would never be the same between them. She related to me his side of the conversation, when he tried to explain to her that he was doing the right thing the first time he left us. Her response to that, at least to me, was (and I quote)- “Do you think you’re talking to a child? That’s BULLSHIT buddy.” She told me that after the conversation, she realized she had been clenching her teeth the whole time, and that her jaws hurt for the next three days.
She told me that she was NOT happy with my original decision, she was very angry and upset (although as I said, this I already knew). She did not care for or respect Craig, and certainly had no intentions of forgiving him anytime soon. She said that perhaps sometime in the future (her words- “ten years from now”) she could have changed her mind, but not anytime soon. And so much time had gone by anyway, that she had absolutely no interest in trying. She also said she liked Troy (which is huge for her, if you know Logan. She is much like her mother. She doesn’t like anyone. And if she does, she certainly won’t admit it). And she liked Kayli. She was fond of them. She was hurt when I broke it off. She was happy with our life. She didn’t understand why I would want to move backwards. Had no idea why I would even consider it.

It was the most honest and refreshing conversation I’ve ever had with my daughter. And I will always remember it, be thankful for it, and lover her for it.

The last three months of decision making has easily been the most painful series of events of my life. Larger than any divorce, or child custody battle, or break-up, or any other life challenge.
There is a reason that love triangles only exist in the movies, folks. And that’s because they are the most painful of all of life’s experiences.

Imagine for a second, that you had to willingly sever one of your own limbs. An arm, maybe a leg. Just cut it off. Lose it forever. No one could save you the discomfort of choice or the internal struggle and cut it off for you.  You had choose a limb, and you must sever it. There’s nothing wrong with that limb. It’s not diseased or infected. But you have to do it.

I can function without that limb. I know that I can. But it doesn’t ease the pain of severing it.
I just want to be able to move on now, somewhat handicapped, and find some form of happiness.