Saturday, December 17, 2011

Got a comfy chair?
‘Cause this is a lengthy one…

One week till Christmas, and I have the holiday bug…
I’m chipper, excited, merry.. I know- whoda thunk, right??

I have been itching to write these last couple weeks, but honestly, I have been waiting for the figurative other shoe to drop, and so I have resisted.
I don’t want to curse myself.
Even now, as I’m about to write this, I’m afraid that I’m speaking too soon, counting my chickens, per say...
But since when have I ever acted rationally?
So, on with it.

These last several days, I’ve been so at peace.
I’ve wondered every day if it were a true emotion, or if my brain just finally had enough turmoil, and went and checked out.
I hope it’s the former. 

I have a theory. And I hope that it is correct.
I think that I had to live these last three months, to discover where I was truly supposed to be in my life.

Without further ado, the entirety of the story went like this…

In the beginning of September, Craig magically reappeared, after having left us two years ago. Not a word for two years; not seeing him, hearing from him, or even randomly running into him.
I was assaulted by the memory of him, of our life together, of how much I loved him.
Not only did he magically reappear, but he wanted me. He wanted our family. He wanted to come home. Begin again.
I was literally dumfounded. I’ve never been so irrationally swept away in my life. Overwhelmed. Astounded. So awestruck, so affected, that I could think of nothing else.
And so, without much hesitation, I ended my relationship with Troy to explore the possibility of a life, again, with Craig.
And I won’t lie; it was a very nice three months. I spent the last two years forgiving Craig for leaving us. He is a wonderful man. I loved him then, I love him now, and will always love him.

But what I had forgotten, what I had neglected to consider in my astonishment, was how I loved Troy. How Troy loved me.
And my amazed stupor didn’t last long.
Slowly, I began to remember that I had a relationship, a family, a life, before Craig came back…
And I missed it.

Over the next couple of months, Troy and I texted. We talked on the phone. We met for coffee.
And every time, I left those conversations with a hole in my heart. I told him, and myself, that I had made my decision. I had to stay the course. That it was right.
I continued planning my future with Craig.
He was moving back home. We were going to be married.
I stopped speaking to Troy.
And I kept staying the course.

I loved Craig. I loved Troy. I was cracking. I literally thought I was going crazy. It sounds silly, overdramatic even, but I haven’t hurt that much in as long as I can remember.

And a few weeks ago, I couldn’t stay the course any longer.
I missed Troy too much. I missed Kayli. I missed my family. I missed my life.

I had to end my relationship with Craig. Cut off my own arm, as I mentioned in my last blog. He was so hurt, so surprised. He didn’t understand. Why would he? I had gone along so well and so long without letting him know how torn I was. It was horrible.
And it wasn’t only horrible for him.
I was saying goodbye to a man that I loved dearly. Again. This time by my choice.
And afterwards, I sobbed for an entire day. Somehow, I managed to work that night. With tomatoes for eyes.

But after that night, something terribly unusual and unexpected occurred.
I stopped crying.
And I haven’t cried since.
Like I mentioned above, I have felt very... at peace with my decision.
Now, this does not mean that I am not still sad and disheartened…
But, aside from the occasional fond memory, or the occasional painful one; I am at peace.
I believe I am where I am supposed to be.
And whether or not this is truly joyful peacefulness, or just my brain leaving the scene of an accident, I will take it.