November 24, 2011

It’s thanksgiving.
And I have much to be thankful for.
Unfortunately, the holidays exacerbate my already acute affliction that I call “thinktoomuchitis”.

And so, in keeping with my traditional habits, I’ll take this time, regardless of the holiday, and be a little analytical, realistic, comparative, possibly not so optimistic, contemplative…
Aw, hell, I’ll just blog-vent.
And by the way, I woke up this morning trying to be thankful and positive. I really tried, I did.

I am thankful that I sold my Mustang just when I needed to.
Unfortunately, the money got me only this far... and Christmas is coming… and oil season is here… and this mortgage, phew…

I am thankful to have a job.
However, I don’t enjoy it like I once did. And that’s a gross understatement. I have no tolerance anymore.
As much as I enjoy seeing the “regulars” having fun and making merry, I am more disturbed by the sad ones, who have nothing but the bar and the drink… By the ones who consistently get snookered and make bad choices, and live without moral brakes… And by the just plain old morons who drink too much and act like (insert explicative here)…
I am pointedly reminded that this kind of job is no longer a welcome part of my life every time I step behind that bar.

I am thankful for reacquainting with the one man I wholly believed was the love of my life, the “one that got away”.
But sometimes, I remember him, almost bitterly, yet perhaps appropriately, as “the man who ran away”… And yet I love him still.
However, a lot can change in two years. People change. Things are different. Or maybe, some things are the same...
Sometimes, I see a glimmer of those differences, and sometimes, I am begrudgingly reminded that maybe, those differences aren’t parallel…

I am thankful for my children. I suppose that should be at the top of this list. But alas, there is no sequential order to this. There’s no “order” at all, really. But you knew that already.
I am thankful that at 16, Logan has yet to have a boyfriend. Maybe that’s what I’m most thankful for this holiday season.
However, there are times I’d like the option to trade either one of them in for a kid who actually likes me once in a while.
Seriously… a teenage girl and a pre-pubescent boy in the house at the SAME TIME.
Very challenging. Again, another gross understatement.

I’m thankful for my family. As dysfunctional as they may be, they are still mine, and they are (mostly) all still alive and around.
Mom, Dad, Nana, Sharla, Aunt Carrie, Aunt Sue, Rachael, Sarah, Randee, Morgan, Matt-man, and all the other-halves and all the little kiddos…
Family is good. I’m glad I wound up with the one I have.

I am thankful that I have this opportunity to go back to school.
Although, I’m not positive that I’ll be able to afford to stay there.
I fear I will be forced to return to work and give up the pipe dream of teaching sarcasm and profanity to our youth.

I am trying to be thankful, and happy, and optimistic, and excited… but I am finding myself slightly bitter about my own life choices as of late.
And it mainly has to do with money. Well, mostly…
Every time I am pissed off at the bar and wish that I didn’t have to be there…  or when I realize I can’t afford to buy that big gift for Dawson… or when I think- how in the hell will I make my next mortgage payment? …

And then there’s the other part… the part that doesn't have anything to do with money...
Like the eyelash that you can’t get out of your eye, the big piece of food you can’t get unstuck from your teeth, the wedgie you just can’t pick, the itch you can’t reach in the middle of your back…

I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked that I miss some things, that I mourn for some things...
But it still surprises me. I felt so decisive. So resolute.
Naturally (or at least that’s what I tell myself), there are small bits of doubt that live in the corners of conviction.

I pointedly remind myself today, on Thanksgiving, and every day- It’s my life.
Most of it by choice, hardly any of it by chance. 
The insane mortgage, the job, college, the kids, the relationships
Eat it, Crista. Sleep in it.
Be thankful for it.
Perhaps I've never been good at giving thanks.
But happy Thanksgiving anyway.