Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Again, and as always, it’s just stuff. Stuff that won’t fit into a 420 character status update.

You may or may not have been keeping up with Herc’s updates on our website (fitzlanedanes.com). If not, here’s a brief rundown.
His growth plate deformities in his front legs are presenting more severely. His front feet are now very “easty westy” looking, and he is beginning to walk on the insides of his feet. He is still not acting lame in his front end though. The orthopedic surgeon in CT (Dr. Palmisano) says that based on the film and the snapshots I sent, this amount of deformity is not that unusual. Odd. It looks awfully unusual to us. But he also states that given his relatively new problems with his back end (the bunny hopping, the instability, the lameness- the concern for hip dysplasia), and the concern for elbow dysplasia (the elbows being pulled out of socket due to the abnormalities in his front legs), that he should be seen down there for a consult and more films. I knew that would be the case. But I’m still not prepared. Neither emotionally or financially.
Hercules now is exhibiting so many joint related issues, that he would essentially have to become the 6 million dollar dog to be well again.
And unfortunately, that’s just not in the stars for us.
Not only does it not make sense financially, it doesn’t make sense for Herc. How many surgeries would he have to go through in order to “fix” the elbow dysplasia, the hip dysplasia, the growth plate abnormalities? How traumatizing? Very. How painful? Extremely. And with what guarantees? None.
And he’s just barely over a year old.
Damn you Karma.
Dr. Palmisanmo is being very accommodating in freeing up anytime I can come, because of the distance and cost. And he has been good about “remotely” looking at Herc so far.
I will try to find a way to afford a trip to CT, at least for the films and consult. At least to get an accurate idea of what we’re dealing with, of how bad (or not so bad) things really are. It would be an injustice to Herc if I were to just do nothing.
How unfair that the one best friend I’ve had over the last (very rough) year in my life, is to be taken from me prematurely.
Again, damn you Karma.

As always, we’ve had to rearrange our thanksgiving dinner due to kid’s schedules with Dads. I don’t mind. Last night my mother was bummed out because we weren’t planning anything for actual thanksgiving day. I reminded her that it’s not the day of the week that matters... It sounded like something she would say. Oh god, I am becoming my mother.
I am thankful. Even though I sound like a pessimistic bitch most of the time, I truly am thankful. I’m thankful for my healthy and (most times) happy kiddos. My Mom and Dad, Nana, Sharla, Troy, my dog, the few friends I have, the house, a job…
Still, life certainly makes being thankful a challenge at times.

Christmas is looming.
I’m stuck somewhere between elated and riddled with anxiety.
Aren’t the holidays wonderful?

Troy goes away this weekend. The annual guys-at-hunting-camp vacation. Originally I was quite unhappy about this. But now, I am quite accepting. Oddly.
Who knew I’d get used to this give-and-take thing. Maybe I’m getting better at relationships in my old age.
Or maybe I’m just ok with being alone because it’s what I’ve been used to for so long.
The kids will (as usual) be gone as well.
I’ll keep busy. Maybe I’ll just get Chinese take-out, and spend some quality time with the dog and the DVR. Just like the good old times. Maybe I’ll spend some money I don’t have and go Christmas shopping.
Or maybe I’ll go out. Ok, I’ll definitely go out. Probably a lot. Cindra, I’ll be counting on you to keep me out of trouble and out of jail. Free up your weekend sweetheart.

Recent family happenings have got me thinking. About life, love, relationships, (the family curse), and history. “They” say (ok, maybe it wasn’t “they“, maybe it was just my most recent, highly volatile, and slightly insane ex-husband) that life is about circles. Regardless of who coined the term, I tend to believe it. Life has a pattern. A circular pattern, where it goes around, and then comes around, and meets again. Historically. I have it permanently imprinted in ink on my back, serving as a reminder.

And since I’m being so vague, I understand that I’m not making ANY sense whatsoever. LOL
I make sense to me though. And when it all comes down to it, that’s really the only thing that matters. Isn’t it?
I’m not crazy or neurotic. Just contemplative.

I have enjoyed working at Raena’s these last couple of weeks. It’s busy, busy, BUSY. A lot of hard work. I haven’t worked that hard in years. I try to remember all the calories I’m burning.
Plus it allows me the social outlet I so innately crave. That would also be part of the family curse. Thanks Dad.

Well, the morning has dwindled away, and it’s time to head off to Corporate America.

Be well.