Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I had a nice visit with a friend tonight.

One honest moment comes to mind, when I was reminded of a recent status update of mine. In it, I complained about the depressing headlines in the BDN. My friend’s “tough love” advice- “Crista, your status updates are like those depressing headlines in the BDN!” Ok. I would argue, but I suppose it was a remotely valid point.
And it was said in love and laughter, so no, I didn’t punch him. J

And I do admit to growing tired of some of my “friends” lengthy, overly-dramatic,  prozac induced, make me wanna cut my wrists, status updates. So I do try to keep mine short, if nothing else.
Mostly, I subject everyone here on facebook to the ramblings of various musicians, via youtube videos. I think that’s considerate enough. I mean really, there’s nothing to read, and if you don’t want to hear my complaints, simply don’t click “play”. Right? After all, the videos I post are basically the play list of my life.

Let’s face it. We all have a lot going on in our lives. Economical struggles, failing relationships, challenging jobs, children, friendships, families… I’m not the only one, and I know this.
It‘s just that, I seem to be the only one who talks about it so publicly.
And so on with it.

I’ve realized that I’ve had several invites lately. To hang out, go out, to do whatever…
Last week I was invited on a “date”, to hang out, watch movies, chat... I did not go.
Sunday night I was complaining about being lonely once the kids had gone to Dad‘s. Nancy invited me to go out for a beer (or two, or three), and some girl time. As fun as it may have sounded, I did not go.
The following night, another friend invited me to go to Gifford’s for an ice cream. I did not go.
Last night, my neighbor offered to join me on the nightly dog walk. I told her I wasn’t going, and in fact then went (alone) later on.
I wonder about the pattern.
If I this was the behavior of someone close to me, I would suspect that they were showing some signs of clinical depression. But since it’s me, I know that it’s not. But it is something.

The dog is doing well, even better, thank god. As I always say- besides the kiddos, he’s all I’ve got. Not much of a conversationalist damnit, but all I’ve got just the same..

My job is what it is. A job. I suppose that’s why it’s called “work”.
I know people don’t go to work to have fun. But is it too much to ask that there be a bit of camaraderie there? Just a tiny bit?
Instead, there’s just progesterone. Lots and lots and lots of progesterone. Yikes.

I have a lot of guy friends, ironically.
Just another observation.

I’ve had feelings lately. (Ok, that sounded odd). More specifically, feelings that are of a particular nature. Longings, maybe. (but not like that, you perverts). Feelings that haven’t really been exposed to the surface since about this time last year, before Craig left.
Unfortunately, as circumstance would have it, there is no outlet for them outlet. There’s no where for them to go.
So I just stave them off until they are placed appropriately, received openly, and reciprocated properly.

I coined a pretty cool phrase earlier, having to do with all of this crap…. I was pretty proud of myself actually…
It  was more specifically used in context, but I find that it has more to do with the waiting... Waiting to take those feelings, embrace them, share them, someday with someone. It will come. He will come. Whoever and wherever he is. I just have to wait for it…

“I accept that position, with quiet solitude and lucidity“.

Be well all. Good night.