November 6, 2010

Today has been a proverbial emotional rollercoaster. I need some free therapy. Let’s get to it.

Ever notice that as the years pass, your family ties seem to loosen?
I notice.
Today I went to my first “family gathering” in a long time. I’ve missed the last few. Once out of necessity. Twice by choice.
But today was nice. Although I haven’t seen many of my cousins in quite some time, and we’re not nearly as close as we used to be, it was nice. I wanted to hug every one of them. But oddly, I didn’t.
Perhaps hormones are just making me feel nostalgic.

I can’t commit to buying a new car. I only mention this because it makes me wonder if it’s relative to the rest of my life.
I mean, the financial aspect is my biggest fear, of course.
But then I mull it over, think it through, pick it apart with a fine tooth comb, and I think… Is it relative?
I’ve been called a commitment-phobe on more than one occasion.

But then again, I can’t be a commitment-phobe.  Because you know what else I noticed today? I am needy. Not in the material, or tangible sense, either. Emotionally needy. Will someone please tell me exactly when THAT SHIT happened??? Seriously though. When does love cross that fine barrier between affection and codependence? How do you make sure that it never does? And what if you feel like it might be? Do you run away screaming as if the house were on fire?

I also got angry a lot today. (Yeah, yeah, yeah. What’s new.)
There were many times I wanted to just reach out and punch someone. Sharla and I discussed this. We’re blaming it on the hormones.

And then I spent some time with my son. And he lit me up. I swear, that kid is good medicine on a bad day, every damn time.
Then again, there are many days where I’d like hang him from his loft bed with duct tape…

I was teary eyed on occasion today as well. And it was over nothing. Nothing at all. In fact, I think there was an Eminem song playing in the car. How effing ridiculous.

I work tonight at Raena’s, I am looking forward to it, although I wasn’t earlier. Again, the rollercoaster.

I need something tonight. I just don’t know what it is yet. 
A mood stabilizer would probably be a good start though.