tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Monday, December 4, 2017

I miss the lake, I miss my son, I miss the Brookside. But you all knew that already.
And, forgive me for a moment, but I might just spend some time feeling a bit sorry for myself.

This year has been pretty shitty.
Life, seems pretty shitty.

I spent over half of this year trying to come to terms with my decision to leave the lake. I still haven't come to terms with it. I don't know if I ever will. I'd probably still go back, given the chance. I know that I would. In fact, I spend a lot of time daydreaming about the current tenants leaving the place so that I can go back. I miss it so much. It's funny how a place can become such a part of you. And that spot on the water was more a part of me than I realized. And leaving it was a mistake that I have to live with. And it fucking sucks.

Sure, I've seen a little more of the boy since I've moved here, but not a lot. These last couple months it's mostly just when I drive him to and from school. A brief car ride a few times a week, that's the quality time I get with my boy now. I ask him to come over, but he just doesn't. Always has a reason or excuse not to. I look at pictures from when he used to live with me, when we would hang out and do things together, when he wanted to be with me, not that long ago... And I wonder where that went, what happened... I miss him so fucking much. It breaks my heart every single day.

And then of course, the Brookside.
That's a story you're all familiar with, too. The little bar on the corner. The place we all called home. The second family we all had. And now it's gone.
It was more like my first family... My father is gone, I don't often see my mother, I have been estranged from my sister for four years and I have no other siblings, I hardly ever see my one living grandparent, I don't see my cousins or aunts and uncles. And so, The Brookside truly was my family.
It was the one constant in my life, through four moves, a divorce, break ups, tragedies, my son leaving me, living alone, battling major depression...
The Brook kept me going through all of it. The last four years have not been easy, and it was the one constant bright spot in my life, the one thing that brought me happiness, comfort, solace, and gave me purpose. Most times, I felt like the Brook was all I had. Almost all the time, actually. I lived for it. And that was ok with me.
And I don't know what to do with myself now without it. I don't know what my purpose is anymore.

Not to mention, it was my only source of income. And a decent one, at that. I don't know how I'll make enough to cover everything.... The house payment, the car payment, the cable, internet, cell phone, electricity, car insurance, homeowners insurance, and anything extra...
I do have the opportunity for a few hours at Ramona's, but not many, and it's a huge pay cut compared to the Brook. And unfortunately, it's only temporary. Only until just before Christmas. And so, I'm on the desperate hunt for a job.
I'll have to get a very good paying full time job, or two ok paying jobs and work myself to death. That second choice doesn't sound very fun, but it may be my only choice. It's not like I have a ton of recent work experience in any field other than bartending. I've applied for a few office jobs (I do have some office experience, but it's been YEARS, and I studied secretarial science at Beal). But then again, I've bartended for the last 15 years, so... not sure I'll see many interviews from those.
It's all so frustrating.

And Christmas won't be bleak this year, as I feared. Because I went and spent about half my savings, as I knew I would. I should have held onto it, and not bought presents. It would have been the practical thing to do. It would have been the wise thing to do. But I've never been wise or practical at Christmas time. I guess I'd rather worry about how to pay a few bills than letting my kids go without a Christmas. Not very practical, I know.
We'll see how I feel about that later when the car payment is due, or the house payment.

I've worried and worried and worried, and stressed and stressed and stressed.
So much that I almost can't even do it anymore. Like I've run out of the strength to worry and stress anymore. I never thought that possible. I just can't anymore.
I don't know what's going to happen to me. I may lose my cable, or my cell phone, or worse, my car, or my house. Who knows.
Or I may get a good job and not lose those things.
I just don't know.
And I haven't the strength to stress about it anymore.
I haven't the strength for much of anything.

Life seems pretty shitty.