The Girl Who Isn't Any Fun

I can't recall how many times in my life I've heard the phrase "Why are you so serious", or "lighten up", or "you should try to have more fun", or any other phrase even remotely along those lines. There must be a thousand different ways to tell someone that they're not any fun to be around, and I think I've heard every single one of them.

Sigh.

I know I don't smile as much as I should, and I'm constantly reminded of it, by just about everyone around me. It's so tiring. I've fought that battle my entire life. Evidently I'm still losing. Oh well. Resting bitch face wins. And the "fun" part... that's something that I've heard almost as much. And it's what I've been thinking a lot more about lately.

I'm stoic, by nature. I think it's just the way I'm wired. I don't know why, it's just who I am. I've tried to be different over the years, mostly to appease other people, as I don't mind being stoic.
My ex-husbands, my previous lovers, ex-boyfriends.. they'd all say the same thing- I was too serious. They wish I'd lighten up a little, have a little more fun, joke around a little more, be a little more playful.... Jeezus, I'm sorry. I tried, I really did. Fuck off.

At work, just this week, I've heard it a few times. Why don't you have more fun, why don't you lighten up, why are you so serious...
In my defense, I am at work to make money, I am at work to make the business money. I'm not at work to give away product, to fuck around, and to act like it's my own goddamn personal playground (as many do, or have in the past). And perhaps this week I was particularly more tense than usual (due to life shit, that I probably could have left at the door, but that's easier said than done).  But I do joke around at work, and have fun, and goof off, and mess around, and act fun and funny... at least, I thought I do.. Maybe I'm not doing it enough...

I do have to consider the source, though. It comes from my grumpy customer. The one I like to throw jabs with back and forth. So perhaps it's just more of our meaningless banter, poking one another. Perhaps it's just coincidence that it falls in line with a noticeable amount of "lack of fun" in my personality.. who knows.

I don't take jokes well when I find them inappropriate.  I don't take jokes well if I find them disrespectful. I don't joke around well if I find the subject matter offensive.
And so, I say so. I make it known. I know, such a buzzkill. No fun.

Sigh.
But I tell jokes, "I clown around". I have a quick wit. Yes, I am goddamn funny. I get that from my father. And I laugh. I laugh when something is genuinely funny. Hell, I laugh when something is even just remotely funny. But there are some things that just aren't. Well, to me. But to other people, they're still funny. But to me, they're just offensive, or disrespectful, or inappropriate. 

And so, I friggin say so.
And again, you guessed it, no fun. Crista the Killjoy.

I'm not that girl on the dance floor, dancing by herself. No, not the one making an ass out of herself...

The one on the floor that everyone's watching.. because she's pretty, she's got sex appeal, she's smiling, and dancing, and laughing, she's fun... And everyone's watching. Some people are envious, jealous, even. Maybe I am, too. I watch her, and I smile. I know her, she's my friend. And I know that the man I happen to be with, whoever it may be; Joe or Dan or Bill, whatever man of the year, wishes I were more like her. And sometimes, I wish I were more like her. 

But I'm not. I'm the girl who isn't any fun.