tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

This is the first opportunity I've had to write in several days.
And I have so much to write about. I want to write, I do. I desperately need to. But for once, I'm hesitant to.
Maybe I'll just try to be vague. Although, I'm sure it's obvious. I haven't been terribly private.
On with it, then.

The last few months have been one long decision making process. Not a list of multiple decisions; just one, really.
It seems I have been making this decision every so often... maybe every month or so. We'll call it every month, for conversation sake. Every month (or so), for the last several months, I would make a choice. A painful, awful, horrible choice. Break my own heart (and, ultimately, someone else's). Make a decision.
And then, shortly after, I would reconsider. Most times, quietly, internally.
Back peddle. I can't live with my decision.
And then I'd have to make the decision again. Each time the same decision as before. Make the choice. A painful, awful, horrible choice.
And then, after a time, I'd reconsider again.
Rinse, wash, repeat.
This has been my ongoing cycle, for the last several months.
An excruciating, heart breaking, and completely maddening cycle.
And by "completely maddening", I actually mean something much more severe, yet can't find the words for. I feel like I have been going utterly insane.

The cycle changed this past week when I made a different decision. Changed direction. And although it may have been a different direction from these last few months, it was(is) still just as awful, horrible, and painful.
Broke my own heart. And someone else's.
And I reconsider. Back peddle. I can't live with my decision.
I'm losing my mind again.

The overwhelming advice from the masses is to just choose neither path. To embrace a completely separate direction from the reoccurring choice. Go my own way, as Fleetwood Mac would say.
And I've tried. Well, maybe not quite, but I've considered it, come close to it. And I simply cannot. That's no exaggeration. I can't. Making a choice of one way over the other is torturous. But to live without either? Now that is an agony I couldn't possibly bear. At least not bear to choose on my own.
...Ironically, perhaps it will come to that. Maybe my indecision will force a hand, or two. And I will have no decision to make, I will have nothing at all. Lord knows, it's probably what I deserve.

I've done the pro's and con's lists. I've rationalized it six ways to Sunday. I've analyzed every inch and every corner. I've taken apart all the pieces and examined them. I've evaluated and re-evaluated, over and over and over.
And so I try to stop over-thinking. I've tried to go with the flow, just go with it, wait and see, what will be will be, blah blah friggin blah. None of those things work.
I've listened to advice and opinions and wise words, and considered the wealth of knowledge and experience that my friends and family have to offer.
I tried to "listen to my heart". Even it doesn't have a clue.
I've done nothing but this, for months.

And now I feel like I can't make a decision at all.
At least these last few months I've made a decision each time. It took me a long, painful while to come to it every time, but I did. I chose. Perhaps not 100%, but I enacted it.
Now it seems, I simply can't. Not "it seems". I truly cannot.
And.. fuck.. It hurts.

Indecision is debilitating. Not just for me.
I carry the guilt of hurting not just myself.
I am coming unglued.