No coffee in the house! What a way to start the morning... Grrrrr....
So I threw on some clothes, put my hair in a ponytail, and drove to Dunkin. I'm not sure I was even fully awake for it. The dog might have actually driven, I'm not really sure.
Since then, I've spent the last THREE HOURS filling out multiple applications for rent-reduced apartments. Dear lord, these applications are ridiculous! If they could, I think they'd take your first-born as well as their twelve pages of necessary info.
Not that I want to live in subsidized/low-income housing, but it seems the most practical choice. I did bypass a few of the properties, based on location and reputation. There are actually some other really nice apartments in the area that are rent restricted (tiered rent based on income). However, there is a wait list for every one of them. Sigh. Well, doesn't hurt to apply, I suppose. Maybe someone will die, or get arrested for drug trafficking, and I'll get in line for a vacancy. Who knows.
In the meantime I'm also looking everywhere online and while driving around. There are plenty of places available, but none in my price range. I'm not sure how one-income parents do it. I don't make a ton of money, but I do alright. And still, when I look at my budget, I figure I'll have to live like a monk in order to afford my own place. Or quit smoking and drinking dunkin coffee. Those seem to be my biggest monthly expenses. The lack of dunkin I might be able to live with. The quitting smoking- Not gonna happen. I'd kill someone. No lie, I truly would.
Not that living with my mother is a terrible thing. It's tolerable. And cheap. But seriously, folks... Who can really say they'd be ok living with their mom at 42 years old?
And besides, it's not just her. It's living with someone in general. I've always had a hard time cohabitating, even when it was with a partner (just ask any of my three ex-husbands) . I just need my own space. And I like things a certain way (My way).
Yesterday I actually went and looked at a cheap apartment just outside of town. It was cheap for a reason. You get what you pay for.
And so, the hunt continues.
Dawson starts his first day back to school tomorrow. I am glad for that. It's very difficult to entertain a 13 year old every day all summer. And expensive.
I dreamt of my ex-husband last night. I can't remember the details of the dreams, but they were basically a reflection of recent times... telling me how much he love(d) me, wanted and needed me, while his new girlfriend waited back home, or while his latest soiree of women waited to meet him at the bar.. In short, that his words never really match(ed) up to his actions, no matter how much I want(ed) them to. Not now, and not in the last few years. Every time he left, it killed us a little bit. And lately his "actions vs. words" showed no promise of him having changed at all. The lack of trust, reliability, and follow through was eventually the death of us. And you know what's ironic? I don't remember having so much love and devotion for another human being (other than my children) in all of my life. How ridiculously sad.
Perhaps that's why I have such a hard time believing things will be any different with anyone else. I know it's baggage, and I needn't carry it with me in new relationships, but it's so much easier said than done. It's very hard for me to believe in anything...
Historically, people leave. That's what happens, It's eventual, and inevitable.
After the "honeymoon phase"... I'm too grouchy, too difficult, not "fun" enough, too stoic, too this or that, and/or not enough this or that...
It has been my story for all of my relationships. And I haven't changed, so why would my story?
I suppose I need to get motivated. I have to go get time cards and do the banking for work, mail out these life-story rental applications, go grab Dawson, and get some last minute school supplies. And prep my meatloaf.
Yes, I'm cooking. Crazy, isn't it?