tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

It's my birthday. I'm 42 today. Wait, I mean.. 29.

No big plans today. It's just another day.
I dropped my favorite boy off at basketball camp. Now I'm home (or, what is my part time, roommate style residence, I suppose), doing laundry, picking up dog poops from the kitchen and laundry room, writing this blog..

I think I'll take Pixie to the lake. I've been dying to sit by the water lately. Still. Always. I don't know why. It just seems that's what calls me. And since I can't have my dream of waking up to it every morning, I guess I'll just go to the local public landing for the afternoon.
Maybe I'll find some peace there today.
Dinner with the crew later today. Tonight will probably consist of more internet browsing until the wee hours, and some quality time with the DVR. Hopefully I'll sleep.
No big plans, just another day.

I am a bit overwhelmed by my thoughts today (although, I suppose that's how it is every day). It's funny how a milestone such as your birthday can really force you into self-reflection.

I certainly didn't expect my life to look like this at 42.
Divorced for the third time. Still no college degree. Credit history down the toilet. Living with my mother (and not enough of an income to change that)...
Side note... I owned a home once. I bought "too much house" when I had what I thought was a partner for life. Three months later, he left us. Just like that. Up and left. And there I was, sporting a $1400 a month mortgage. I held on as long as I could. Worked 60-70 hours at two different jobs. Renegotiated my loan a dozen times. By the time the next "what I thought was a life partner" came along to help out, it was far too late to save the house, the loan, or my credit.
Anyway, I digress...
Not where I would have expected to be at 42...

I need to work more at my current job or get a second job. Period. That's the first priority on a long list of "have to's". It's the only way I'll be able to afford my own place. Not that living with mom is terrible, it's not. It's been tolerable, for the most part. I just need my own place. Even if that might mean.. gasp.. low income housing, for the time being. We shall see. It's a consideration, anyway. I'm still looking every day online.. Craigslist, Bangor Daily, Facebook groups.. for a place that I might be able to afford. Then again, I still have to come up with first month plus security deposit. Which I'm TRYING to save for. Who wants to give me a loan? Sigh.

And, I feel very alone in my mess. Sometimes that's comfortable, just, appropriate. It's as it should be.
Sometimes, it's just lonely.
I have a few friends. I have a sweet boyfriend. I have my mom. My kids.
But ultimately, I am alone in it.

Sometimes I want to be taken care of. Just, taken care of. Sometimes, I just want to be left alone.
I know what I don't want.. half-way. Half-way, I can't do.
I'm a walking contradiction.



Now I'm rambling. I just don't know. I'm so dissatisfied with my life right now.

Laundry's done.
Maybe I'll skip folding it and just head to the lake with the dog.
Yep, that sounds like a plan.
At least I have one. Hey, it's a start. Baby steps.