So, I've written at least twice in the past few weeks. Not the usual month or two between blogs. However, the blogs I've written, I've taken down.
One, because it was mean and nasty. There was quite a bit of truth in it, but it was still mean and nasty. And no matter how hurt or angry I am, I'm not that person. I was just angry. Well, maybe not angry. Probably just hurt. I read a quote recently... "Anger is just sad's body guard"...
The other I took down because.. well, I don't really know why. It was an awfully nice story. It was the story of a new love. And man, it was well written, too! Damn. Who knows why I took it down. Maybe I felt it was too much. Maybe I felt embarrassed or ashamed for being so in love so shortly after my separation (even though I shouldn't be, considering the other's circumstances). Maybe I am just afraid. Afraid to feel those things. Afraid of it all ending, like everything else has. And maybe I was still trying to be considerate to someone who doesn't deserve it.
I'm still struggling with the changes in my life. So many changes...
Moving (again..).. Dear gawd, I feel like a friggin gypsy. I've had 5 different addresses in the past 6 years. That's pretty sad. Reminds me a lot of my father. Although, he moved so much because he wanted to, not because he had to.
Living here with Mom is different. Not all bad, but different. I love her, and we're coexisting quite well, but not a day goes by that I don't wish I had "my own place". I could have taken my tax return and put down a deposit, and paid a few months rent. Instead, I put it all into improvements for Mom's place. Financially, it's just impossible right now for me to live alone. I'd have to steal away shifts from my girls at the bar in order to make it work. Or get a second (or third) job. I figure- if I quit smoking and driving, I could afford it.
Speaking of "afford" and "finances"... I should have plenty of money, right? Saving money by living with mom... that was the idea, right? Well, if it weren't one thing after another... carpenters, plumbers, electricians... buying new cell phones after ours got shut off... groceries... gas (holy moly, it's expensive to be in love with someone who's 50 miles away!)... Jeezus. I keep saying- I'll buy a grill, when I get ahead. I'll get new curtains for the living room, when I get ahead. I'll take the dog to the groomer, when I get ahead. Maybe I'll get a new car, so I don't have to worry about actually needing my Triple A, and save some money in gas... I'll, I'll, I'll... when I get ahead... Grrrrrrrr...
I become a third-time divorcee this week. The third time, as it turns out, is not a charm.
I want to survive this week and say things like- "This is the first day of the rest of my life"... or... "In every ending there is a new beginning".. Or any of those other positive idioms. And, no doubt I will. I'll probably post all kinds of crap on facebook about how this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, how happy I am, how relieved. And maybe I'll feel it, believe it.
But right now, all I feel is like the poster child for failed relationships.
Speaking of relationships..
The new relationship is wonderful. Really, there's not much more I can say about it than that. Silly me, of course there is... I wouldn't be me if I didn't write about it...
Side note- It sometimes feels like it's adulterated by my past relationship. That needs to stop. And it will.
Otherwise, it is wonderful. Wonderful, and new, and different. And frightening. My baggage, my issues, my past failures cause(s) me to constantly question everything. Everything. Do I really feel this way? Does he really feel this way? Will this last? How will this work out? What will happen when he truly gets to know me? Will he leave, like everyone else? I don't think I could survive another heartbreak. I'm so very afraid. Sometimes I look for things, warning signs or flags, reasons.. that aren't really there. My mother would say- "Get off the train track". I'm trying, Mother.
But when I'm with him, that all goes away. The melodious sound of his voice, how he smiles, how he holds me, how he loves me... It all goes away.
But I am so afraid.
Everyone keeps asking when my next gig is...
And the band is still minus one guitar player. The original one quit; which was not a huge disappointment. He was much like every other musician- difficult. More so than most. Even more difficult than me :) We thought we had a replacement, a shoe-in. It fell through. Now we're back to square one. We're all frustrated, but we aren't ready to give up. It often feels to me like "the band that never was". Isn't this part of the reason I retired? So much bullshit, so much work. It's like a relationship, without the benefits. We have one gig a month booked right now, and plenty of opportunity to book more. What will we do? I don't know. Maybe I'll learn to play guitar. Wicked fast.
I need more coffee.
No, I need to get off this computer and get ready. I have a date with a smokin' hot guitar player and a cute three year old.