tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Isn't it funny how you can be so sure of your position, so firm in your resolve... and then one text at 2am can send you spiraling back onto the emotional roller coaster that you worked so hard to jump off of.
What's even more sad, is that I have more reasons to stay off it than I do to get back on. But then there's that one little thing that keeps you on the ride... feelings.
I've always been such an intellectually charged individual.. analytical, scientific, calculative... I'm not sure when I began to succumb to acting on emotion rather than brain power.
But I know that I have to turn it around somehow. Put it back in proper order. Brain first, heart... never.

The job search continues. I've been averaging one, sometimes two interviews a week. And still nothing. I had a preliminary interview last week, and got a call back for a second one this week. I sent an email this morning, and will be applying in person for another job today. I probably apply for (at least) about a half dozen jobs per week. There just aren't that many out there that I "qualify" for, otherwise, the list would be longer. I keep hearing from various people- "It's an employer's market out there"... I guess they are right.

I've run out of things (with any worth) to sell. The grill, my Tiffany bracelet... the craft fairs aren't very profitable. No more money coming in. The bar is supposed to open late next week. I pray that it does...
And still the lights haven't been shut off... yet. I keep waiting for the moment when I realize I've run out of oil. That's pretty damn scary. I have absolutely no idea what we will do then. Take hot showers at Mom's next door, and heat the house with the propane fireplaces... Until I run out of propane...
Shit.
And then there's Christmas... There really will be no Santa this year...

Dawson continues to ask how we will make it... I continue to lie to him, and tell him everything will be fine.

Last week I wrote- "At rock bottom, there is clarity"...
I probably should have added- destitution, depression, poverty, failure, devastation.