After my husband leaving us (for, I think, the fourth time), after accepting him back into our lives, waiting for him to decide if he ever truly wants us to be together, after struggling for months with half-measures, broken/empty promises, one foot in-one foot out... after finally hearing him say that he can't envision us living together, that our lives and lifestyles are too different, (but that he loves me so much and can't imagine his life without me)... I file for divorce today.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I served him yesterday. That took more guts than I've had to muster in a long time.
And, not surprisingly, he had nothing to say. Other than to tell me that I have to switch the electric bill into my name. (After promising when he left that he'd keep it in his name, keep it on, continue paying it as a "contribution" to all the expenses he left us with)...
But, I digress...
It's funny how the tiniest of things can reassure you that you are doing the right thing.
I've lived the last week in a very strange frame of mind. A very different place than I have been, for months, maybe even years.
Hitting rock bottom has done that for me, I think.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not in some "higher place". I'm destitute, still. Poor, literally. Depressed. Hopeless.
No income other than a minimal amount of child support. No money for rent, oil, electricity, phone, cable, gas... Trying my damnedest to get a job...
DHHS was a bust yesterday. The kids and I don't qualify for anything like TANF or Aspire, or any of their other cash assistance programs. My measly $365 a month in child support puts us over the limit for "deprivation". Her exact words. I laughed at that. Literally, out loud, in her face. And then I cried.
Rock bottom gives you clarity. At least it does that.
And in that clarity, I discovered something.
I'm poor. I have no job, no career, no college degree, no 401k, no money...
But you know what I still do have? ... Worth.
I have worth.
I deserve someone in my life who will love as much as I do. Who loves as unconditionally as I do. Who is willing to go to the ends of the earth for another, as I do. Who will put me first, as I put them first. Who will accept me for all my faults and quirks and idiosyncrasies, and love and cherish me still, regardless of them all.
I deserve that.
And as long as I stayed stuck where I was, I would have never truly received it. I would have settled for a half measure. And I want more than that. I deserve it.
Somewhere, someday, it will exist for me. I know that it will.
Wow, my dogs really stink.
Someday, someone will love me regardless of that too.