tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


I know, I haven't written in a while.
There hasn't been much to report lately. Well, I guess that's not necessarily true. There's always something to write about. There's just not always the time or opportunity. Or more accurately, the gumption.

I've been getting that knocked-down feeling a lot lately.
Thank you, life.

The job search continues to be fruitless. I've sent out dozens and dozens of resumes, had a couple handfuls of interviews, and received just as many "thank you, but..." letters.

And my bitterness about it all grows daily. I hate that I am in this position. I hate that I'm going back to working two jobs. Taking a second job that I'll probably be forced to take, because I can't get anything better. Probably won't pay very well. Probably will keep odd hours. Probably lose time at home with Dawson (and Logan, when she's around, that is). Probably be exhausted again. All this, and probably still broke.
And the thing is, it's mainly my own damn fault. I shouldn't have become comfortable relying on someone else.
But, I digress.

The bar isn't scheduled to reopen for almost another three weeks. Initially, the thought was to reopen next week. But there is so much to still be done, that it has been postponed.
So much wonderful progress being made there... The place is already unrecognizable.
I was holding onto that, though... It was really all I had, that one ounce left... telling myself- just a few more days, Crista, and you'll  be back to work at the bar... Then there will at least be a little money coming back in... Then maybe you can pay the cable, the phone, the car insurance, keep the lights on...
...The rent.
Which is another ugly monster in itself.
Some would say I am fortunate to be renting from family, who won't evict me for not being able to keep up. The other side to that coin, however, is that it has the potential to cause great conflict.
Sigh.

My husband and I continue to try and "work things out", with the "ultimate goal" in mind... becoming a family unit again. But there are so many variables to that. So many pieces to that puzzle. It is sometimes difficult to figure out how they will come together.

Logan is doing really well in college. She makes me proud.
She injured her back over the summer, and is still struggling with it. We are being referred out to Northeast Pain Management and for physical therapy. Its a compression fracture in her spine. It will heal on it's own supposedly, but it could take 6 months. She's impatient. :)
And she still hangs around with that no-good boy who doesn't recognize her worth. I wish she were stronger (stronger than me, stronger in general), and would just tell him to piss off. He doesn't deserve her. She doesn't realize that.
And she has some real issues with me saying those things. She would tell me to go take a long look in the mirror. She's angry.

I worry about Dawson. He is struggling academically. And emotionally, still. He still does not understand this entire situation... his step-dad is here a lot, yet we all still don't live together... (I think to myself... Trust me bud, I don't understand it half the time either)... He's really confused. And evidently I'm not offering the right explanations to ease that. He now has financial worries as well... He asked me just yesterday- Mom, what happens if we can't afford this house anymore? Where will we go? What will we do?
I just try to convince him that he has nothing to worry about, that I'll take care of it, that we'll be fine...

But I'm not sure I even know what "fine" is anymore.