I don't know what to say.
So I'll just quote Warsan Shire for this entire blog, since she pretty much speaks for me.
Thank you, Sam, for introducing me to her.
If nothing else, it's a good read, regardless of its relevance.
And if you're reading it for its relevance, to my life, or to yours, then drink in every word.
"I’m not sad, but the boys who are looking for sad girls always find me. I’m not a girl anymore and I’m not sad anymore. You want me to be a tragic backdrop so that you can appear to be illuminated, so that people can say ‘Wow, isn’t he so terribly brave to love a girl who is so obviously sad?’ You think I’ll be the dark sky so you can be the star? I’ll swallow you whole."
"you are a horse running alone, and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway, to a burning house
says you are blinding him, that he could never leave you,
forget you, want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you is doused in your name
you fill his mouth, his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense, frightening in the way you want him,
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love, split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings, someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave, then let him leave
you are terrifying and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love."
"two people who were once very close can
or grand betrayal
perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world"
"how far have you walked for men who've never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn't they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently,
thinking they couldn't hear you, but they smelt it on you,
you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you,
why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?"
"for the fifth time this month you say you’re going to leave him
he calls you a cunt over the phone
then walks the three miles to your house
and kisses your mouth until the word is just a place on your body.
i don’t know what brings broken people together
maybe damage seeks out damage
the way stains on a mattress halo into one another
the way stains on a mattress bleed into each other."
"i don't know when love became elusive
what i know, is that no one i know has it
my fathers arms around my mothers neck
fruit too ripe to eat, a door half way open
when your name is just a hand i can never hold
everything i have ever believed in, becomes magic.
i think of lovers as trees, growing to and
from one another searching for the same light,
my mothers laughter in a dark room,
a photograph greying under my touch,
this is all i know how to do, carry loss around until
i begin to resemble every bad memory,
every terrible fear,
every nightmare anyone has ever had.
i ask did you ever love me?
you say of course, of course so quickly
that you sound like someone else
i ask are you made of steel? are you made of iron?
you cry on the phone, my stomach hurts
i let you leave, i need someone who knows how to stay."