tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Friday, September 27, 2013

Life is funny.
Although it's no funnier than it was during my last blog a few days ago. Life is status quo. 
Still funny.

I continue to spend time with my estranged husband. All the while trying to make the most of that time, enjoy the moment(s), play pretend.
Pretend that this isn't the most unusual circumstance I've ever been in. One of the most bittersweet. One of the most painful.

I still don't know if the "ultimate goal" will ever be realized. 
Primarily because I don't know if it's even possible. We enjoy our time together, we love one another. In fact, I love him more than I've loved any man. But let's face it, we are separated (again) for valid reasons. Perhaps this truly is irreconcilable.
Secondly, because I'm not sure that I can make it to that point, if it is possible. Saying goodbye to him every time we are together is proving to be very difficult. The constant wondering if this is truly going to work. The incessant analyzing of every single situation (does he still love me, is he thinking about giving up, am I doing this right, or that right, or this wrong, where is he and what is he doing, should I hold back, am I too invested, am I invested enough..). The ceaseless worry about whether or not it's right to be spending time with our children. And the risk of it not working may be the worst. The fear of that pain, all over again.
And I question my own faith.
Which, considering how hurtful and disruptive (and frequent) this has been, is completely normal I suppose.
I am sure of my love for him. It seems it's everything else that I'm unsure of.

Love is a big thing (understatement).. It's all encompassing. It's monumental. But I'm learning that "everything else" is just as big.  It's kind of late in life to be learning this hard lesson. But it is learned. Even this skeptic used to hold fast to the notion that The Beatles were right, that love was all you needed; that through love, all things were possible.  It's quite depressing, actually... To realize at 40, that somewhere deep down in this pessimistic heart and soul of mine, there was still that Disney-edge hope that "love conquers all"... Guess I never really grew up.
I was searching for an epiphany. 
That was one I could have done without.
The Beatles LIED.
Bastards.