Well, perhaps not writing, as I'm in fact dictating this as I drive. So please pardon any and all grammatical errors; Proper placement of periods, commas, semicolons are somewhat challenging during dictation. And forget the… See? That was supposed to be spelled out. (Some of my friends will get that). But anyway…
I've had a more than usual restless mind lately. I blame my father for that. Or perhaps it's the moon's gravitational pull, or the position of Jupiter in the solar system, or reducing the dosage on my meds….
Either way, I've felt a little bit crazy lately. Bored, yet unmotivated. Agitated, irritated, restless, bored. Did I say bored already?
I want a new car, a new pet, a second job, a new hobby, a new location… (Troy is just happy that I haven't had the desire for a new husband). And although I may desire all these things, I never do pull the trigger on any of them. That is the wonderful thing about bipolar disorder, folks (Noted sarcasm)- You know better than to make a decision about ANYTHING, because you also know that- within hours, sometimes days, perhaps weeks- You will feel completely different about the idea.
And let me back up a minute… That whole bipolar thing is a label I'm still struggling to accept. Hence the experiment of weaning off my meds (After a half hour of sweet talking my psychiatrist). They agreed to cut my Depakote in half for a few weeks, and see how things go first. FYI, Depakote is one of the "big five "in treating bipolar disorder. It is the fastest acting bipolar drug, and typically used to treat irritability and anger in bipolars with mild-moderate symptoms of hypomania.
I don't know what I was trying to accomplish with the idea. Well, of course I do. I was hoping to prove to myself that I didn't need it. Unfortunately for my bruised ego, it turns out I was more than likely mistaken. These last few weeks I've noticed a definite difference in my disposition. I once again wake up angry most days. I'm dissatisfied with everything and anything. Little things get under my skin, where they fester and grow into giant things. I want to shake things up... create little earthquakes just to feel alive, or different. I don't like feeling "flat" (which is why many bipolars end up going off their meds). The "restless mind syndrome" has once again become nearly intolerable.
And that's where I ended my dictation the other night. Primarily because it was 1am and raining, and I figured I'd better be paying closer attention to the road.
Finances are a mess. Well, I don't think I can even call it "finances". That would imply there is money involved. And we have none. A second job has become a necessity rather than just a cure for boredom. Guess I'd better get lookin'.
The other day (while possibly enthralled in one of my "manic moments"), I decided I wanted a different vehicle. I listed my jeep in Uncle Henry's and Craigslist. Just to see. Wouldn't you know it, someone is coming to buy it tomorrow. Looks like I'll be hoofing it for a while.
The kids are driving me mad. I am anxious for school to start again. I don't even know why. It's like having pests in the house. Little flies buzzing around. I will potentially experience guilt about these feelings later on. In fact, I feel guilty even saying it out loud.
But then again, everything is driving me mad. It's not just the kids (those poor little buggers do get the brunt of it)... My husband, the dogs, the house, my job, my friends, myself... my own damn self.
(Okay, now I do sound crazy)
Aside from all that redundancy, I'm also missing my Dad.
I think about him all the time. Many times in anger. Knowing that he did this to himself (and to us), that it could have been prevented, that it was a wasted life.
Sometimes I think of him in guilt. What could I have done to convince him to stop drinking, or drink less? Or go to the doctor sooner? Sigh. I know the answer is- nothing. So, back to being angry with him.
And the other times it's like "playing pretend". He's not really gone. He's right next door, in his chair.
But most times I'm just sad. I wish I could "wish" him back, or turn the clock back. I miss him so much.
And I'm lonely. Because perhaps, the one and only person I could relate to, and who understood me, is gone.
I see this life
Like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
In my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and ye shall find
Old, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
And I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're told
I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive