tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Sunday, August 25, 2013

"Life is a lesson. Happiness is not given: it is worked for, it is fought for, struggled for, it is EARNED. Happiness to me is love, family, parenthood, devotion, marriage, affection,........ Happiness is what I have with Crista. In the past I've been blinded with frustration and anger about things that should never get in the way of the things that matter in life, petty things. I let my anger, frustration, and my own shortcomings almost ruin a relationship that provided all the things that make me happy in life. I was blinded by pettiness and made horrible decisions that effected our whole family. I love Crista, madly. She makes me insanely happy. I adore our children. Our life together is excellent. Nothing is perfect- Especially, me. But, our life together makes me happy. I am so fortunate to have another chance at the life I want to live. Thank you, babe. I love you. Sun and Moon. I will work harder than ever before to never disappoint you or our kids again. You are my happiness and my future."
Those were words written by my husband the last time he left, four short months ago. They are probably very similar to the words he wrote the time before that as well. Or maybe similar to the words he wrote the time even before that when he said he wanted to leave. Or the time before, or the time before, or the time ...
You get the point.

These last couple weeks I've watched as we spiraled towards this inevitable point once again. Hell, I guess it's probably been the last couple months. God knows we've had a shit storm of stuff happening in life this summer.
But, even with the so-called shit storm, I thought we were stronger than before. I let my guard down. I didn't expect him to jump back into the whole- I'm not happy, things aren't good between us, things have changed, things aren't changing enough, wishy-washy, one foot in-one foot out, bullshit again. I didn't see it coming.
But then again, I never did the times before either.

But maybe that's not quite accurate... I think I've known somewhere deep down that he's been teetering on this precipice for a couple months now. Maybe he just wanted to wait, so it wouldn't seem so heartless leaving me right after Dad died. What a stand-up guy.

This time he didn't so much say he wanted to leave, just inferred it. Talking about how bad things are between us, how unhappy "we" are (how unhappy he is, more accurately), how things are no different, or how things have changed... And this is our history. Things are never good enough for him. If there aren't rainbows and butterflies all the time, then watch out, he's off and running. Quitter.

So I told him that I am NOT going through this again. Living scared, always fearing that my husband will one day "not be happy", and leave us, again. He's either all in, or all out. I cannot live like this anymore. No more one foot in, one foot out. I made a promise to myself that I would never allow this again, especially considering how many times I've lived it already with him...  I told him- If you go down this road again, you will never look upon my face or my children's faces again. You will be dead to us, and us to you.
And he replied... "I'll start looking for a place."
To which I responded- "Fine, make it as quick as possible."

And so, he's probably convinced, once again, that I "threw him out", that I ended things. He is good at that you know, manipulating the situation so that it appears that way. Then he gets to play victim to the world.
And the snide remarks about money... They've already begun (like the text he sent me earlier, reminding me that he just gave me money to put towards buying my truck.. and yet, he can't be bothered to pay any bills before he leaves)... He'll toot his horn about what a great guy he was... how he paid all our bills, put money towards household improvements or buying vehicles. He loves to rub that in my face every time this happens... Oh, I pay for this, I gave you money for that, I'm so generous, bla bla bla... Unfortunately, money has no meaning when it comes to love and commitment. Put your money where your mouth is.
All the money in the world couldn't undo what you have done all these times. And what you're doing again.
But go ahead and use it as fodder for your failure, if it helps you sleep at night.
He's not fooling anyone but himself.

I hope to hell I can stay strong through this entire thing.
I'm awful goddamn tired.