tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Friday, February 22, 2013

Today I was going to attend my first group therapy meeting. This group is for people with "mood disorders", a wide spectrum. I don't quite know why I'd go.. it's only a recommended part of my care plan. I suppose I'd go to compare my level of crazy to other people's level of crazy. But as I said.. I was "going to go". Oh well, there's always next Friday.

I mentioned this to my mother this morning. Her words exactly were "moody I get, but mood DISORDER... I'm not buying it"...
I would like to challenge her to step inside my brain for a week.. Hell, two or three days would probably do it. To have her know what it's like to not be able to control the things you say, or how you react, or the things you do. To not be able to trust how you're feeling from one moment to the next. To watch the people you love walk around you on eggshells for fear of angering you. To lose friendships and relationships over the years for no reason other than "you're mean" or "you're too difficult" or "you're too uncaring". To be happy, then sad, then angry, then happy again, all in the course of a day, and sometimes less. And to positively HATE yourself through all of it.
What shocks me is that this comes from a woman who enabled her alcoholic husband for as long as I've been alive. He who is obviously a classic bipolar 2, and who probably self medicates with the alcohol...

So far I've heard the terms "bipolar 2" and "anxiety disorder" from my doctor, my therapist, the intake LCSW, the psych nurse, and my psychiatrist. Two of them also threw around the term "personality disorder"...

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a sucker for labels. Just because they say it doesn't mean I believe it or "buy it" either. But since I've known my doctor for many years, and my therapist has known me for about a year, I think they might know what they're talking about. And after talking with me and my husband (who knows me better than anyone), the intake LCSW, the psych nurse, and the psychiatrist all seem to agree with the first two. So who the hell knows....

You know what? I know. I know me. I know when I'm "not okay".. When I'm "my normal". Which as of late, has been WAY too often. And so, I'll get the help that I KNOW I need. Regardless of whether or not you "buy it".