Wow... an entire year between blogs.
There is a saying about authors... we write best when we are either falling in love or falling apart. Evidently (based on this blog), I do one of those things once or twice a year.
I wouldn't say that I'm in the process of either of those things currently, but I certainly am contemplative.
Well, I'm always contemplative. Perhaps just a bit more so right now.
Being by the water heightens my habit of overthinking. Or maybe, another possible theory, is that it clarifies things in my brain, makes way for the overthinking to serve a purpose.
I'm sitting lakeside as I write this. I have been here for almost a month. Well, off and on, between northern gigs and baby time on Wednesdays. It's a waterfront site at a very nice campground, which has its own set of pros and cons. But I do love being here, mostly. Minus the people.
It's (mostly) peaceful here. If the beach is too noisy or crowded, I retreat to my campsite, where I still have a clear view of the water, and the clamor is buffered by the breeze, towering trees, birds, and a comfortable distance.
It's mostly peaceful here.
Except for this morning.
And not because of noise or people. Well, noise, yes, but the noise in my own head.
I slept fitully, hardly slept, actually. But in the moments when I was asleep, I was plagued by dreams. And not the pleasant kind.
Unfortunately, while your waking mind tries to block out the relevance of your current life circumstances, that pesky subconscious takes over when you close your eyes.
(And as I set my fingers to this keyboard, I realize that this blog is about to become just like nearly every other blog I've written)...
My dreams taught me a little something about love and relationships. Well, maybe not taught, as I likely already knew, probably just reminded me.
And my first waking thoughts were- isn't it funny (not funny ha ha, but funny odd) that when something destructive happens in a relationship, a specific pattern emerges...
- Anger, fury, distancing, sometimes resulting in the end.
- Recovery of the relationship (or at least, apparent recovery), forgiveness (again- or apparent forgiveness), and a seemingly euphoric reconnecting (hence the popularity of the term "makeup sex" ...sorry for the explicit reference, but it's true, accurate).
- And then (when the exhilaration wears off); consideration, contemplation, examination.
Can't people just reside forever in number 2?
Repeating the same patterns, the same lessons, the same stupid fucking circumstances, over and over.
I'm tired of the exploitation of my vulnerability, my trust, my peace.