It's been almost two months since I've written.
A lot has happened.. is happening. A lot I can't write about. Some I shouldn't write about.
I guess that's why I haven't.
The ice has finally left the lake; it doesn't look like a frozen tundra here anymore. I love seeing the open water. I am hoping that it will bring me peace in the coming months.
My life is about to be turned upside down. I have some time to prepare, but not much.
And these are one of the things I can't talk about. Not yet. And that's eating me alive, of course. But not nearly as much as the situation itself. I have spent many a night crying myself to sleep over it. Almost every night, actually.
I keep telling myself I've been through tougher things, I'll persevere, it'll all be alright... But all the reassuring self-talk hasn't helped much.
As most of you know, I somehow got myself roped into providing a (temporary) home for a dog who was on his way to the humane society. He's sweet. Cute. Fun. But he also reminds me why my life is not conducive to having a dog in it. It has become more of a stressor than anything, and I need to get him placed. And my cat is absolutely miserable.
My personal life feels like a mess, as usual. Well, not externally, I guess. It probably looks pretty normal from the outside. But on the inside, I'm a mess. But hey, what's new, right??
I've gone back and forth in "relationships" so many times in the last couple years, it's almost like a ping pong game. Or tennis. Yeah, tennis. Life-40, Me-Love. (Oh, I do like that ironic play on words).
I'm trying, again. Yet I find the same situation exists that did before. Life circumstances, differences, challenges, that don't go away, no matter how much you try to pretend they could. And a past that still haunts me.
How I wish... for one of two things... A; I can find something consistent and lifelong that I can emotionally invest in, or, B; I can just completely turn off my need to have a life partner.
I don't ask for much, right?
At some point over the last couple years, I adopted the idea (or at least tried to) that I didn't need anyone in my life, as long as I had my son. I know, weird. Norman Bates' mother syndrome? It's really not as weird as it sounds, really...
I just felt that, as long as the boy was in my life, I didn't need anything else. He would be my only priority. I would live for him. Oh hell, I do live for him.
My daughter is grown, and takes care of herself (for the most part). I see her on occasion, but not as often as I would like to. But my boy is still home, well, part time. And aside from him, there's not much else in my life that gives it purpose.
But, he's spending more and more time now at his father's. It's painful, but I am trying to understand it... He feels closer to his brother when he's there. He has been having a very hard time coping with his brother's death. He internalizes, still. He gets through each day. Appears normal. But I know him, and I know that inside he is struggling, so much. I wish I could bring him peace somehow. And I am still coping with my own pain and anger, at life, for giving this to my son. Anyway... aside from that, dad has all the toys; four wheelers, dirt bikes, snowmobiles... And his youngest brother is there, and needs him. And I'm trying to accept the fact that he's simply grown closer to his dad than he is to me.
And so, as he grows apart from me (which is happening now at a lightening fucking speed), what am I left with?
Absolutely. Fucking. Nothing.
I know, I know... I should get a hobby or two. Join a gym. Go out. Make new friends. Meditate.
Or some shit like that.
What day of the week is it? I can't even tell. Usually the boy comes home on Sunday nights. He hasn't yet this week. So it still feels like Sunday. But it's not, it's Tuesday. At least, I think it's Tuesday.
And since I've brightened everyone's day with my garbage, I'll try leaving you with something positive, uplifting, motivational...
"When life gives you lemons... keep them. Because, hey, free lemons."
"You might have been given a cactus, but that doesn't mean you have to sit on it."
"When shit happens, turn it into fertilizer".
Etc, etc, etc... Blah, blah, blah.