tHe haPPy grOUch

tHe haPPy grOUch

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Another Sunday, another blog.

Nothing much has changed in the last seven days since I've written.
Well, nothing substantial. Well, maybe. Just little things.

Worrying isn't one of them. That never changes.

My boy is still growing up and away from me. And it kills me. I wish he needed me as much as he used to when he was little. At times it seems he doesn't even like me. He doesn't want me to sit too close to him. He hugs me, but it's brief, I can't hold on for more than a second. He says I tell him I love him too much. My male friends tell me this is a normal part of boys growing up. I don't like it. At all.

My daughter just got into her new apartment, finally. After desperately searching for a place that would allow her dog, she finally found one. Less than a week later, her and her boyfriend are having trouble (again). Which of course throws her into worrying about finances... rent, bills, car payment, potentially all alone (Oh, how I know her troubles). Honestly, even though she may be facing these challenges, she would be better off. I hope she realizes this. Recognizes her worth.

Which brings us to a relative point... She's always had the option of moving in with my mother. So have I, for that matter. And with all of us worrying about finances (and I worry about mom getting older), the three of us are actually giving it some consideration. Mom threw out the idea of putting an addition on the house, to make more room for all of us. And then she started really considering it. And so did I. Now I'm trying to design it, lol. Whether or not we actually do it, remains to be seen. It would be very costly for us, initially. But in the end, it would add value to her home, and make it a nicer place for one of us (Me, my kids, my sister, her kids, whomever needed) to live for the future. And it would be very affordable living, as the home is paid off.
I don't know. It's worth considering.
I could afford a car payment then. I could afford to spoil the boy for the last few years he is at home. I could afford to go back to school (again). I could be there to take care of Mom.
And, hell, then I wouldn't be alone, right?
Speaking of which..

My present "relationship" has taken a somewhat unfortunate turn.
Let me start by explaining why I use quotes...
It's existed a year and a half. We use the "L word". We care for one another very, very much.
And yet, we have so many vast differences. Geographical, relationship/communication style, circumstantial, lifestyles... Differences that prevent the relationship from becoming anything more than what it currently is. And what it is, basically, is three-ish days per week spent together, and text messages in between. And yet, an undeniable connection, regardless.
And although we're aware of our future (or lack thereof?), we've always just kept on. Because the alternative, not being together, was a sadder reality. But, is it? Are we preventing each other from finding something more? Are we cheating ourselves out of an opportunity to find a real lifetime companionship? I don't know. I've never known, I guess. I've just kept on keeping on. And so has he. But the reality is always there, buried just under the surface.
But I digress...
All of that might not matter anymore.
Circumstances have arisen that will prevent us from spending much time together anymore (and we have so little time as it is). A substantial difference. Probably as little as one night per week. Maybe even less.
And if I've already become discontent with what little we currently have, how am I (are we) supposed to maintain a "relationship" on what we will have now?
Sigh.
I've cried and cried about it. Cursed the universe, again. For giving me such a complicated situation to begin with, and for making it even more seemingly impossible now.
F%&k you, universe.

But perhaps this is my future.
Perhaps, with all my failed, impossible relationships, this is what I am destined for. Being alone.
But, I can't believe that. As much of a skeptic and cynic (and often times pessimistic) as I am, I still can't truly believe that.
Because I am still a romantic, unfortunately.
And someday, I'll go to sleep next to someone (other than my dog) every night. We'll make breakfast on Sunday mornings. We'll go to kids sporting events, graduations. We'll have designated date nights. We'll vacation. We'll grocery shop together. We'll have grandchildren. We'll get old. And he'll hold my hand while I'm taking my last breath, or I will his.
Someday.

Hey, it's possible.
I recently saw an article in the Bangor Daily News about an elderly couple who were married at the hospital. I guess that means it's not too late for me?
Who knows.

Whatever.
I'm going to go make some cheesy scrambled eggs, stare at the lake, talk to the dog, and watch men in tights (football).

Be well.