Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Has it really been a month since I've written? Sheesh. I'm slacking.
Not that I haven't had fodder for writing; as usual, there's always something to write about.
In my life, there seems to be something to write about daily.
Last week I was the girl holding up the drive through at Dunkin... At the window, at the head of a line of a dozen or more cars, at peak coffee time... chasing around a ten dollar bill I had dropped while handing it to the barista... Picture it, if you will.. the wind whipping that ten dollar bill here and there, back and forth, as I ran in circles around my car, like a chicken with its head cut off.. Around and around and around my car we went, that ten dollar bill and I, until it finally settled comfortably, far under the center of my car.. On hands and knees, on the ground at the window, butt pointing high into the air, I crawled under the car to retrieve said ten dollar bill.. I hoisted myself up, brushed myself off, shouted "you're welcome for the show!" to all in line behind me, grabbed my coffee and change, and went along my way.
It should have been a tv commercial for how badly you need your morning cup of Dunkin coffee.
Alas, that's the comical stuff that happens in my life, on a goddamn daily basis. Seriously, I constantly find myself saying aloud- "You can't make this shit up."
That's the stuff I live for.
That, and my kid.
Living alone has proven to be tolerable. At times, potentially enjoyable. Perhaps I don't technically live alone; My boy is here four days a week, and my companion is here 2-3 days a week as well. And then there's Hairy, the beta fish. Yes, Hairy, not Harry. It's so that I can pretend he is a fuzzy dog or cat (since I can't have pets here). He doesn't mind. Although I think he may sometimes suffer from identity crisis. But I digress... Living alone has turned out to be okay. Acceptable. Tolerable. However, it still gets lonely sometimes. A lot of the time. Okay, most of the time.
Work is good, as usual. I'm quite busy, as usual. I am a bit consumed by it, as usual. Perhaps I don't mind being so busy and so obsessed with work, because it fills a void. It keeps me occupied, and gives me something to focus on. It gives me worth and purpose.
Much like my kiddo. He gives me worth and purpose. And a friggin headache.
Jeezus, he is his father's child.
I must give him the same headaches, though. Through all of the turmoil this past year, I haven't been a peach to live with. He has had a very tough time of it this year, with all of our changes. He is missing his (ex) step-father a lot lately. Not that that's anything new; he has always missed him. But recently it has been worse. Perhaps it's the new home and living alone together. Perhaps it's the time of year. Perhaps it's adolescence. Or, he just misses him. Sigh.
They did have a very close relationship. Closer than any man who's ever been in my life. We talk about it at least once a week. I've considered allowing him to try and maintain some kind of relationship with him. I know the other party would be willing. But I don't know what the right thing to do is in this situation. Will it make things that much harder? Will it help? Why don't I have the answers to that? What do I do?
Otherwise, the boy is doing really well. Academically this year, he has vastly improved. Any of you who know me well, knows that he has struggled for years. But this year.. the change has been amazing. This year's parent teacher conference was so different from the norm. I am overwhelmed with pride. And he's doing awesome in basketball, even as nervous and scared as he has been. He lacks self confidence. I think this season will help him build that.
And of course, as usual, I probably still suck the life out of him.
Norman Bates's mother.
If my daughter were still at home, I'd probably suck the life out of her as well. I miss her being around. The boy does too. And I worry, good lord, don't I worry. When your children leave the nest, I think you worry even more than when they were at home. She seems to be doing okay.. Still in school, working, got her own apartment, without roommates.. But jeezus, I worry.
She's stressed out. School, work, an apartment on her own, relationships (and relationship strife), are all big things for a young woman to juggle. Hell, I can barely juggle it all at my age. Anyway.. And it shows. She is tired, pale, thin. I worry. Jeezus, I worry.
I fear she is settling for relationships similar to the ones I have had in the past. Ironic. I thought, watching her mother go through these kinds of relationships, would prevent her from settling for anything less than wonderful. In fact, growing up she always said that she would never put up with any bullshit. Probably from watching her mother over the years. Unfortunately, it seems to have conditioned her to the opposite. Why can't she find a prince charming? Or better yet, just be comfortable being alone? Focus on her; her education, her work, her life, her future.
Isn't this just like the pot calling the kettle black.
Jeezus, I worry.
I miss having a dog. I mean, really miss having a dog. I didn't think it would impact me so.
I miss having a dog, very, very much.
I am getting excited for Christmas. I'm not sure how I managed to shop as much as I did. I had a little bit left in savings, tips at work haven't been bad and I have been working more hours, and I sold a ton of candles. All that must have been it... Upon moving in here, I thought our Christmas would be bleak. I was so depressed. I kept telling myself- we have each other, we have our new home, presents are not what makes Christmas, blah, blah, friggin blah.. But for those of you who buy gifts for your children, you know the importance of presents. Yes, it is commercialized, yes, it is superficial. But it is the way. Presents are a part of Christmas, especially for children. And yes, we adults are to blame for that. But anyway.. I am very excited for Christmas. Through sheer luck, or saving, or financial budgeting, or what-ever.. I have been able to provide what will be a great Christmas for my boy. And for my girl. And for that, I am grateful.
And, we have each other.
Oh crap, it's time to get ready for the day.